The Games that People Play

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It seems to me that codependency is running rampant with people that I know and my elf included. My son can't and won't handle being out of reach, sight, or voice for more than about forty five seconds.

I am such a mess I talk myself out of doing things because they are things I should do with so and so or whatever lame excuse I can come up with for not doing it.

I think this is becoming more and more common because people are scared. There is an air about everything that makes it seem like we are on the verge of being desperate, hungry, homeless, or a host of awful things. We are fed everywhere turn that things aren't going well. Shown the awful maniacs of the world and generally kept to believe the whole world is teetering on a needle at the top of Mount Everest and any minute it will all be over as our society plunges into chaos.

Maybe that is the way things are and maybe it isn't I don't really know. The thing I do know and  am trying out now is just not caring either way.

I was presented a situation this year that completely changed my outlook. It taught me so much about the image I had created of myself, the image of others not close to me, and the image of those close to me. It sharpened all of these images into crystalline focus and changed my behaviors to these various things possibly forever.

I also learned that if you indulge people with what they tell you they want both of you will realize quickly that people generally don't want what they say. They want some conglomeration of what they think they deserve, what they think you want to give, and those seldom resemble what they say.

This post may seem negative but, it is really positive for me. I have learned so much about relationships, success, failure, acceptance, integrity, perseverance, and perceptions in both my personal and professional lives this year. I am grateful and ready to approach the rest of my life in both avenues with new sense of vigor and direction. The directions and limitations will now based on what I actually want as I was the chief codependent delusional client in all my interactions.

Falling and Flailing

It is funny about this small attempt by me to publicly track my own thoughts. I have shared the fall, the flail, failure, the rebuild, and the routine and through it all I have left something out that's important for me to get out there. I am scared of the future and I think all the time that I would like the security of my old life.

Now let's be clear. I was treated poorly and my son was treated poorly. I recognize that fact and I wouldn't want to let that happen again. Somehow I feel about my marriage like most of do about high school. If I would have known then what I know now things would have been different. Would they?

It makes wonder weird things and create awful analogies to figure it out. My latest is comparing it to the fall of Rome. I wonder, "how long before they didn't miss the old days?" or " how long did it take them to forget the awful and romanticize the thought of what it was." I know my little life is not as epic as Rome, but please allow me my delusions of grandeur. It is my blog and I'll dance if I want to.

My son has entered a couple new phases that make me giggle. He loves to announce to me that he will be mad at me, he will whine, and that he doesn't like me right now. I guess mean old daddy better think twice now before he makes him brush his teeth!

The other I don't like so much. He says things like,  I will bop you in the head, I will ninja you in the leg, and so on. He promptly backs away from these with a simple , EXCUSE ME? Then he says " I'm Sorry. I love you Daddy," immediately which makes it hard for me to not giggle.

Parenting definitely has it's challenges but, no one told me the hardest one would be to not laugh or smile at how cute he is when he does something wrong and comes to tell me.

I do however think about the good old days often. Everyone likes to acknowledge all things that were wrong with my old life. I would like to acknowledge that we did love each other, we laughed all the time, and at one time were each others best friends. It is unfortunate those things couldn't out weigh the things that were so wrong.

Rome fell, it has been patched up and is ready to begin again. Kind of

The Audacity

The things that others feel comfortable in asking or saying to people astounds me on a daily basis. I remember a show with Bill Cosby called, " Kids say the Darndest Things," and it was really funny because they didn't know any better and they were completely innocent.

At some point that should not be acceptable and it is just everywhere. I teach high school and believe wen I tell you they have no filter for what is appropriate and generally they are still pretty innocent in their asking. They just want to know something about you or their peers and they don't think about it embarrassing you to answer or even hear the question.

Adult are getting worse at this by the minute. A couple of weeks ago I told the story about getting caught kissing in the car and my dad's advice which I use to this day was, "discretion is the better form of valor." I am sure it is not his quote but, he is my dad and so I will forever believe it came from him. This week I have been blown away by the lack of thought by a certain someone and just others that I know.

On another note, being single at my age is hard and confusing. I find myself looking at left fingers and being more awkward than my normally awkward self trying to figure things out and announcing to new acquaintances that I am single dad which makes me seem like a sympathy grabber or something. It is all too Confusing!

My little guy is doing great though. I have been trying to immerse him in as many activities as I can and especially at school. We have established a sense of normalcy in our lives without her and it is ok. He does talk more about her now and ask questions which i am not good at answering and has even been defensive a couple of times announcing that he in fact does have a mommy. That breaks my heart every time. I wish he did have a mommy. I will try my best to keep it so he knows that he has a mommy and not know the truth about the situation. He doesn't deserve that. he has been through enough already.

So let' s  keep moving towards an awesome life and remember to use those brain filters to your mouth!

Peace and Brussel Sprouts

Been a week or two.

I didn't write last week.

I have been dealing with some things that I don't really feel comfortable talking about but, this is supposed to be my public cathartic release. The bearing of my soul to the universe and the digital voyeurs. 

I have been approached a by a number of people who have read and do read this blog and they tell me that I am in their thoughts and prayers. I really do appreciate this. 

These past few weeks have been relatively quiet as far as drama and I am grateful that karma has decided to give me a break. This has made some decisions for my immediate future a little more troubling. I have found myself reevaluating both my value systems and my goals for me as an individual and my professional aspirations. I am really struggling on finding a path forward. 

I wonder if other people find themselves spending entire days without saying a word. If my boy isn't here and I have scrounged up some sort of plan with someone so I can not feel totally alone. I literally will go two days without speaking a word. Which makes me ponder how many people go for periods of time without speaking to someone. 

I find it suffocating. I of course most of the time have my little one to keep me company and he keeps me busy believe me. However, the lack of emotional and / or intimate connections leave me troubled more than I would like to admit. 

Also my poor self image and lack of self confidence don't help. 

Don't get me wrong I am happy now and I am getting along better now than I can remember in my recent past. Things are moving smoothly but, i am just doing it all alone and have no one but my little guy to celebrate our normalcy with. 

Keep kickin' 

Lovey Dovey for Valentines.

It seems in the recent past I have been spending a significant amount of time talking and thinking about love and relationships in my life and here is what I have figured out.

I really don't much more than I did when I was a teenager and I am just as awkward.

I have been in love a number of times in my life like most people. However I have had four life altering relationships in my life. Jennifer, Laura, Lara Beth, and August have all affected my heart in a number of ways. From being a teenager and first kisses to child birth, divorce and broken hearts they have all had a part in shaping who I am and who I will be in the future.

I have learned that love makes you awkward, shy, foolish, brave, and generally a better and worse person at the same time. You will treat your friends and your family badly. You will watch movies and say the the craziest lies you can muster to to get things smoothed over or to sneak that kiss.

I have some great memories and some awful memories wrapped in these thoughts. Like driving all night to go see Christmas lights, getting busted kissing by my dad in the back of the car. Dancing in the living room night before getting married. Learning to laugh and learning to cry. Watching god awful movies and awkwardly holding hands..

Thinking about these relationships make me wonder if I am damaged goods or am I wiser for it?

Who knows?

I can just bet that I will be awkward as hell and have a great time doing it.

Cell phones and cookies

I find these days I am really intrigued by news of new technology and especially in the mobile realm. I think it is because it seems to be the only thing around these days that seems to really be interested in producing quality and actively trying to surpass their competitors with innovation and quality.

It seems that everything else has associated quantity with quality, or tries to treat the consumer like they are smart enough to know the difference. It seems to be working in their favor though if you follow the Walmart model and most people I know end up in Walmart more tha we would like to admit.

The other thing I like about gadgety technology is their persistence of making things better. I have a metronome application I use all the time and it is great. Just a simple thing that keeps time. I get an update on the simple little app about once every two months. It seems like it works fine and has for years but they feel they need to keep improving it. In think this is refreshing in today's use it and throw it away society.

I find myself doing exactly that like everyone else and then almost immediately have remorse about it. I seem to have the conflict often where what I want to do and my overwhelming insecurity convince myself to have remorse about things that others don't.

It is hilarious with the conversations and bargains I make inside my own head. I will walk by a towel on the floor and then tell myself to go pick it up or, convince myself I will start exercising when I don't have this cold.
I bargain with my own brain all the time and. I wonder if other people do it as much. I have also become a master negotiator with my boy. You can have a cookie if you brush your teeth first. This somehow convinces me that I am still in charge even though he still got what he wanted for doing something he was going to have to do anyway.

Oh well I will try to be better next week if I can talk my self into it.

Standing on solid ground

Solid. Solid can mean a host of things to a huge number of people. I have been trying to put my life on solid terms financially, personal relationships, work life, and in parenting. It has been heading that direction and things have been steadily getting better.

The challenge has been to do this through the tornado approach to life of the people I have to deal with along the way. Constant drama and attempts to befriend me through the condemnation of the others completely undermines my attempts at solid.

These two weeks have been rather solid and I am appreciative to the wheels of karma allowing this to happen.

I have had the chance to clear my head about my work situation and have had the amazing opportunity to participate in the inauguration parade, really establish a sense of purpose again, and just make my self comfortable with my goals.

Things haven't been much easier with the others but I am starting to toughen up with them which is making them change their approach to me.

My little boy is doing great. I only have one question about his schooling that I haven't had the courage to ask the teachers. Do they have to send everything piece of paper he has ever touched with a crayon? My refrigerator looks like its wallpapered, and I have a dresser drawer that is becoming full. I love that he is busy but, goodness gracious.

These couple of weeks have been pretty low key other than trying to get a band ready to perform for the inauguration, snow, dealing with the crazies, dealing with some anxiety about flying, and trying to keep my head on straight, raising an awesome little boy and not really much else.