September 8, 2012

   It has been an interesting week to say the least. I have made some decisions relating to the care of my little guy that I am really thinking are going to be for the best. I have spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to keep people happy. Running here there and everywhere to try and keep the drama to a minimum. Afraid that people won't help me if I make them upset. 
  
    I am officially done with that. My son and I will be staying home and living a normal life. We are going to establish our rut and run with it. If people have a problem with that then they will just have to have a problem with it. If she has a problem with how I raise him without her support let her take me to court and prove that she is fit to have any input in his raising. 
   I went to my counselor this week and he is going to help me figure out how to not calm my mind.
   I think about every decision over and over, my feelings over and over, my parenting over and over, and basically trapping myel with my own mind. 
   
    I need to come to grips with something. What is, is. That means how I feel is how I feel, the decisions I make at work eithe work or they don't, I try as hard as I can in my parenting and what I get done is what I get done. 
I am not going to second guess my feelings. Also I am not going to feel guilty about my feelings. 
Last but not least - I am not responsible for the world. I am not going to feel obligated to everyone but, just one and he is going to be ok no matter what. 
  
   Some people aren't going to like this new way of being. Some people won't know how to take me anymore. 

I am ok with that. 

Labor day weekend

It has been a good week. We went to my parent's house for a visit and everything went fine. Little man went to his first football game with my folks and I went to my first away game of the year.
My only two frustrations of the week have to do with two situations that are taking advantage of the same strategy against me. People consistently either treat me like I don't know how to figure out that they are lying or, that I don't have the courage to call them on it.
I think the second is more like the truth of the situation. I convince myself that it is not worth fighting over or that it won't solve the problems but, it actually teaches people that they can get away with treating me poorly or having control over my life.
I am determined to not let this happen anymore. It may make me unpopular at work and cause me grief in my dealings with her but, it is time for a new me to draw some lines on acceptable behaviors towards me.
If people don't like it I guess they will have to mutter angrily to themselves because I am done with that.

Sunday August 26 2012

    This week was interesting to say the least. Little man and I went to grandma's like we were supposed to this week and she wasn't there to see him. This is infuriating beyond belief because she couldn't let me know that she wasn't going to be there and it had the potential of upsetting my man.
     Luckily he is easily diverted and it doesn't affect him now but, soon it will and that will be it for her and her ability to see him and be a part of deciding when. While we were there I found out that my ex-wife's uncle suddenly passed away. That somehow became the reason she couldn't come and see him. She had left her grandma's house hours earlier and didn't know that he passed until I called and told her once we were already at her grandma's. She just couldn't be there because she was so broke up in advance I guess.
    She asked if she could come and see Miles the next day once she could get herself under control, to which I said ok. So the next day we went to the library and to see the fountain after school and got home about six thirty or so. I called her and let her know we were home and she said she would be right over but, she also wanted to know if I would take her to her paternal grandmother's house. I said I would.
She finally showed up her to "see her son" at about 8:45. I took her to her grandmother's and she managed to visit her grandmother for about 4 minutes. The rest of the time she walked around the house doing god knows what.
    This craziness that she exhibits is becoming more erratic and not as easily taken by me. I am really tired of having to deal with her and try and keep some sort of a normal life. She is obviously only concerned with herself and uses her son for emotional manipulation and I refuse for it to happen. He doesn't deserve it and won't be a part of it. He is not a prop!
   I am a little more tired than usual this week but, c'est la vie.

    Another thing that happened this week was my mom being put in the hospital for chest pains. They let her go home the next day after some tests and we are supposed to go visit this upcoming weekend.
     I can't imagine if something were to happen to either one of my parents right now. I hate to make it about me but, that might be the thing that finally breaks me and sends me into crazy land with the rest of the people up here. Probably more likely I would completely shut the emotion factory down inside and just be productive and not human. Sometimes I feel like that is what I am doing most of the time anyway but, I think most people feel like that more than would like to or admit to.


 

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post and sorry and ecstatic to say that everything has been pretty much normal. Band camp was more challenge than I expected it to be both professionally and personally. Little man was supposed to stay with my parents the first week and then my parents were supposed to come up here and help with my house and stay here for the second week. Well my mom threw out her back and they had to bring my boy back and I was alone for the second week. I was terrified because of the long crazy hours and trying to find what to do with him during the evening hours, etc.... However, we did it without a hitch! It worked fine because I have some awesome friends and some really great band parents who really were there for me.
This made me realize more than ever that I can do this. I may get a little crazy and my patience gets tested because the little guy is a stubborn as his father and when he gets something in his head it won't leave until he is satisfied but, we are doing ok.
On the professional side; everything that I feared about not writing the show has come to pass. The parts are lame, he didn't get us one note during band camp,and I don't really care. I know that I should be up in arms and I should be angry and I tried to be but, I was reminded very quickly of my ranking in opinion and  process. Now I don't care if the drums learn the whole show before Christmas. I will teach it to them when it gets here, I will make it as good as I can, and I won't complain about it. I will not however retry and fix the problem when it comes up again, rewrite a single note, put one single once of my own creativity into it, or make chicken salad out of it at all. Also, frankly, I don't think I should be expected to either.

My personal life has taken a positive turn. WE have signed the prerequisite papers and it is now on its way to being officially done. Also I found out I have been approved for my loan modification. Two big steps on my way to a normal existence!! I have also started to try and become a semi vegetarian and quit drinking sodas. Another two big steps added on to my having not had a cigarette in two months. I am really proud of myself for all of these accomplishments both professionally and personally. They show a level of persistence I had lost and now I am starting to like have ing control again. So people better watch out. Passive is gone.

I guess it is time for my weekly post. This week has been productive but, a little weird without my little man. I hate it when he is not around and I hate myself for how easy it is and how I think about how hard it is going to be when he gets home.
I really hope this doesn't make me a bad dad and just a human being who is recognizing that his life is more or less complicated according to the situation. I also have reached a place where if people do think that it makes them feel like a bad person then whatever. My little brother has cemented that word as my least favorite in the entire english language. Its indifference just drives me crazy and infuriates me and he can use at the perfect time and the perfect way to completely make me crazy. Now I feel that way about a whole section of people and ideas.
I have come to a place in both my job and dealing some specific people where I just have a limit on what I will tolerate in both speech and actions. After that threshold is reached I am done both with the person and the situation. I still don't have the capacity to fight like others think I should or like I feel like I want to sometimes but I feel it coming and fast. When it does I hope I can control it. I guess that is the real fear. The fear that if I let it out, if I say how I feel, that I won't be able to hold the tiger by the tail and it will get out of hand.  
It scares the hell out of me. Way more than being by myself for the rest of my life with a little boy and mountains of debt. That is easy. Just love him with my whole heart, try harder than I think I can, and keep going, just keep going. So that is the plan right now.
Keep the mouth at bay and just keep going.

See you soon! Stay in front if you want to talk to me cause I'm not looking back any more!

July 14

This week has been ok. My little fellow got sick this week and subsequently got made me sick.
Band camp starts next week and I am ready to get started. It will present its challenges in logistics relating to my little fellow but nothing I don't think I won't be able to handle. I mean I have done it by myself to this point.
I am trying to set limits on what I am willing to communicate and do in regards to my ex instead of being less nice. People say I am top nice all the time and I have trouble with that. What I do feel is appropriate to set limits on mine and his exposure to her, communication with her, and what is acceptable behavior.
We both need a release from the drama and I will try to find a way to get it.

July 3, 2012

We have been back from vacation for awhile and last week was my first week of camp. Things went really well and I am very excited about the upcoming year. My buddy went to stay with my mom and dad the week of camp and it is amazing how much I missed him. It made me realize that I really don't have a lot of contact with other adults.
When we got back his mother came to see him and of course there was a big scene. She did ok paying attention to him and even tried to help out a little. Then she broke down about her life which is not going so well.
I do feel bad for her. She has no home to speak of, no car, her shop was shut down, and things aren't going very well. I do feel awful for her and I hope she can herself figured out.
It makes me fell awful because my life hasn't necessarily changed that much. It also makes me sad that it hasn't.
When we were together I got him up, took him to school, came home, made dinner, played with him, gave him a bath, put him to bed, and then went to bed alone while she sat up and read or played on her phone, or watched whatever, and then I got up and did it again. We really didn't have much contact with each other even though we lived in the same house. So now that I am by myself the only thing that is different is that I don't wake up next to anyone. Which is sad when I think about how I lived but also sad when I think about how different her life must be.
I am lonely but, not at the same time. It is weird; I am around people all the time but I don't really have anyone to talk to other than his blog. 
I think that some people are so used to not to making themselves thing it steps that they when things go so invariably wrong they can't think in terms of creating a list of getting put of it. 
I  am convinced that everything in life good and bad come from lists and steps, whether they are in our mind or written down, everything that is successful happens in some order. Even in trying to start my new life I am having to create lists and orders to try and get out of this hole I am drowning financially. 
I will follow the steps and finally get on the right side of things.