Been a week or two.

I didn't write last week.

I have been dealing with some things that I don't really feel comfortable talking about but, this is supposed to be my public cathartic release. The bearing of my soul to the universe and the digital voyeurs. 

I have been approached a by a number of people who have read and do read this blog and they tell me that I am in their thoughts and prayers. I really do appreciate this. 

These past few weeks have been relatively quiet as far as drama and I am grateful that karma has decided to give me a break. This has made some decisions for my immediate future a little more troubling. I have found myself reevaluating both my value systems and my goals for me as an individual and my professional aspirations. I am really struggling on finding a path forward. 

I wonder if other people find themselves spending entire days without saying a word. If my boy isn't here and I have scrounged up some sort of plan with someone so I can not feel totally alone. I literally will go two days without speaking a word. Which makes me ponder how many people go for periods of time without speaking to someone. 

I find it suffocating. I of course most of the time have my little one to keep me company and he keeps me busy believe me. However, the lack of emotional and / or intimate connections leave me troubled more than I would like to admit. 

Also my poor self image and lack of self confidence don't help. 

Don't get me wrong I am happy now and I am getting along better now than I can remember in my recent past. Things are moving smoothly but, i am just doing it all alone and have no one but my little guy to celebrate our normalcy with. 

Keep kickin' 

Lovey Dovey for Valentines.

It seems in the recent past I have been spending a significant amount of time talking and thinking about love and relationships in my life and here is what I have figured out.

I really don't much more than I did when I was a teenager and I am just as awkward.

I have been in love a number of times in my life like most people. However I have had four life altering relationships in my life. Jennifer, Laura, Lara Beth, and August have all affected my heart in a number of ways. From being a teenager and first kisses to child birth, divorce and broken hearts they have all had a part in shaping who I am and who I will be in the future.

I have learned that love makes you awkward, shy, foolish, brave, and generally a better and worse person at the same time. You will treat your friends and your family badly. You will watch movies and say the the craziest lies you can muster to to get things smoothed over or to sneak that kiss.

I have some great memories and some awful memories wrapped in these thoughts. Like driving all night to go see Christmas lights, getting busted kissing by my dad in the back of the car. Dancing in the living room night before getting married. Learning to laugh and learning to cry. Watching god awful movies and awkwardly holding hands..

Thinking about these relationships make me wonder if I am damaged goods or am I wiser for it?

Who knows?

I can just bet that I will be awkward as hell and have a great time doing it.

Cell phones and cookies

I find these days I am really intrigued by news of new technology and especially in the mobile realm. I think it is because it seems to be the only thing around these days that seems to really be interested in producing quality and actively trying to surpass their competitors with innovation and quality.

It seems that everything else has associated quantity with quality, or tries to treat the consumer like they are smart enough to know the difference. It seems to be working in their favor though if you follow the Walmart model and most people I know end up in Walmart more tha we would like to admit.

The other thing I like about gadgety technology is their persistence of making things better. I have a metronome application I use all the time and it is great. Just a simple thing that keeps time. I get an update on the simple little app about once every two months. It seems like it works fine and has for years but they feel they need to keep improving it. In think this is refreshing in today's use it and throw it away society.

I find myself doing exactly that like everyone else and then almost immediately have remorse about it. I seem to have the conflict often where what I want to do and my overwhelming insecurity convince myself to have remorse about things that others don't.

It is hilarious with the conversations and bargains I make inside my own head. I will walk by a towel on the floor and then tell myself to go pick it up or, convince myself I will start exercising when I don't have this cold.
I bargain with my own brain all the time and. I wonder if other people do it as much. I have also become a master negotiator with my boy. You can have a cookie if you brush your teeth first. This somehow convinces me that I am still in charge even though he still got what he wanted for doing something he was going to have to do anyway.

Oh well I will try to be better next week if I can talk my self into it.

Standing on solid ground

Solid. Solid can mean a host of things to a huge number of people. I have been trying to put my life on solid terms financially, personal relationships, work life, and in parenting. It has been heading that direction and things have been steadily getting better.

The challenge has been to do this through the tornado approach to life of the people I have to deal with along the way. Constant drama and attempts to befriend me through the condemnation of the others completely undermines my attempts at solid.

These two weeks have been rather solid and I am appreciative to the wheels of karma allowing this to happen.

I have had the chance to clear my head about my work situation and have had the amazing opportunity to participate in the inauguration parade, really establish a sense of purpose again, and just make my self comfortable with my goals.

Things haven't been much easier with the others but I am starting to toughen up with them which is making them change their approach to me.

My little boy is doing great. I only have one question about his schooling that I haven't had the courage to ask the teachers. Do they have to send everything piece of paper he has ever touched with a crayon? My refrigerator looks like its wallpapered, and I have a dresser drawer that is becoming full. I love that he is busy but, goodness gracious.

These couple of weeks have been pretty low key other than trying to get a band ready to perform for the inauguration, snow, dealing with the crazies, dealing with some anxiety about flying, and trying to keep my head on straight, raising an awesome little boy and not really much else.

Couches have perspective.

   This week was not full of earth shattering revelations, money woes, cheerful celebrations, or anything of much significance. 

   We had a good week. The new year started with a ginger ale toast followed by the ball dropping on cue while my little one slept and I chatted on Facebook.

    I did not have to back to school this week and he didn't until Thursday so we had the week to stay up too late, go to Chukie Cheese  in the middle of he week for no reason, and generally play around. It was a lot of fun and a little claustrophobic at the same time. 

     You see, little man has to be next to me and I am not being metaphoric or exaggerating in any way. I mean right next to me and preferably making contact. I am literally typing this with him resting on my leg and pulling on my arm. This has the tendency to make me a little edgy sometimes because there is no such thing as personal space. Which also in turn  inflames my guilt reflex and makes me feel bad for not wanting to be with my son every minute. 

   Also I have been trying to change things physically at the house. Moving furniture, painting, new curtains, things like that. It  is incredibly empowering for me for some reason. Who knew that changing the position of a couch a few feet could completely change my perspective? I don't know if it makes me feel like my life is changing because the house looks different or, if it is a simple as I can put things wherever I want and don't have to negotiate anything. 

It may be a little of both or just my imagination but my perspective is changing for the better. 

Who knew couches and curtains were so powerful?

I wish everyone a happy new year and see you soon!!  

That really just happened!!

I am really unsure of how to start or say anything in this post.

My Christmas break was really good. I had the privilege of spending time with my family for multiple days (which doesn't typically happen), see some really old friends, and generally relax. It was fantastic!

To be honest it made me really sad to leave knowing that I am going to travel back into the middle of crazy,

So when I got home can you guess what happened? That's right -  crazy town!

-The grandma called me to make sure I knew that the mother had kept the presents she bought at the mother's  house and the grandmother told her - blah, blah, blah. She also came down and looked over the house and cleaned up a bit. NOPE -  everything was exactly the way I left it.

-the mom calls me twice a day since being home to tell me some foolishness about getting the ex's things out of my house, that the grandmother was worried because the ex had done this and that.

- the ex calls and checks on us and little man won't talk to her as usual. Her parents have done this and that, and then she comes to see the little man and let's me know.....wait for it.......that she is pregnant! It is not any of my business other than it relates to my boy but, she actually wanted to know what to tell him. I calmly explained to he that he if four and doesn't need that and wouldn't understand that so we weren't going to tell him anything.

Also my heat went out. This all happened in two days!!

I have figured out the game though. It is called DRAMA HOUNDS and here is how you play.

1) I have a tragedy that I need to be saved from so that once you save me I can vilify you to others.

2)This makes me seems persecuted to the next person who will try and help save me from the villain ,which in turn will make me use you to make you the villain to the next sap.

It is a tangled web that I can't even begin to dig into much my way out of. These people are so adept at this game that if you try and play they will have you so turned around in a matter of minutes you will question whether you, they, or their game is crazy.  

Oh well, Christmas was great, I am great, the boy is great, and we will keep on keeping on until we can change our circumstances.

Have a great week and be careful out there!!

Merry Christmas from Crazy Town

Merry Christmas Everyone!

     Today is Christmas day and the past week has been a whirlwind to say the least.

 People are accustomed to being busy during the holidays and I have been used to it too. This one has been no different. Also it seems that I am always broke and get paid like two days before Christmas.

     Making me run around like a crazy person the last couple of days before Christmas but, I always seem to figure it out.

This year was no different.

     This was our first Christmas without the ex in the house and it was weird and a little sad frankly. Eventough she never really did much there was always someone there and this year there wasn't.  This seemed to make everything more challenging. Also my inlaws are always being very nice but, overly nice which leads me to be suspicious of their true motives.

     Dealing with the ex was a challenge on a couple of fronts. First there was times when she was completely normal and others when she was a complete train wreck and made want to run for the hills while pulling my hair out.

     I know that a couple of weeks ago I said I was done being that guy and for the most part I am but, when it comes to ny boy I find myself having to swallow my words and be more passive about things than I would like to, or, deserve to be.

     I just feel that my boy deserves to know his mother and doesn't deserve to know that she completely drops the ball as a mother. If this means I pay and smile and treat people kindly when I would like to tell them to go away or to shut up then that is what I have to do. He will eventually learn on his own and I will hopefully always be there to pick up the pieces.

    This, unfortuantely, also means that others that like to second guess and or give me advice such as, I shouldn't invite her, or tell her this or that. This makes it harder to share with others and results in me sitting here typing my feelings to those of you have the kindness enough read my thoughts.

I guess I will just have to do what I have to do and deal with it or whine and cry to a keyboard.

This holiday with its trials and tribulations has been good, bad, happy, sad, lonely, crowded, frustrating, and relaxing all at the same time. I am guessing this is normal for most and if it's not don't tell me.

I need to think that all of us live in our own versions of CRAZY TOWN!