Today is a new day

It is the week of Thanksgiving and like most people I have been thinking of things I am thankful to have in my life.

We have all seen the Facebook daily reminders, which I think are great, but I not interested in sharing the specifics of why I am thankful or for what I am thankful. This leads, in my opinion, to the people feeling responsible to post the same old responses.

Well what if I am truly thankful for chile rellenos? Is that silly? If I told you romantic back story about how we went to have them the night before my son was born because a nurse told us that he was on his way and we should go have a good meal and pack the car to which we both immediately wanted Mexican food.

Would it make more sense and be less silly?

I am of course thankful for the things that make my life worth living. My family, my son, my relative good health and the good health of those I care about, etc...

I am also thankful for thing others would think are silly. Like people reading these posts and telling me they read them. It makes my feeling feel valid.

I am also very thankful that some things are gone from my life and are hopefully to never return.

So I want everyone know that I am thankful for all the people who have given me any support and have guided my life to where I am now. Good or Bad I have been guided by people, events, and the silliest of things have led me to this place.

Happy Thanksgiving and I hope that it is happy, thankful, and restful for everyone.

An old post I forgot to publish

This week has taught me many things about me, my relationships, my work, and my life in general.

The first thing it has taught me about myself is that I am starting to feel more like myself. I am still scared, insecure, most importantly lonely but, I am starting to figure out that I am all those things so I can start to work on them. I am going to start making  lists and checking them off for things I can change to help in all of these areas. 

My relationships are hard to work on and / or define. I have my family relationships, my friend relationships, and my work relationships. The thing is because of my past work experience almost all of  my friend and work relationships are so intertwined that they are almost impossible to separate. I left where I was to have more time with my son however and I have had so much more time with him that I am really grateful. However, when I actually want to do anything with other adults they are all with their families because they don't have band stuff that weekend or, at band stuff. It makes a social life somewhat challenging. This is yet another area that I am going to have figure out how to move forward. 

My work is the biggest change of them all. The kids are different, the expectations different, just everything is different. I am having to figure out how to approach my position. The high school portion is fine . I understand it. I am trying to take kids give them skills, make them good at those skillls, perform with those skills, add more skills and repeat. Basicall what I have always done. Just in some ways starting over. It is fun and a new challenge and I think I needed it. 

Now the middle school is a different story. It is everything new. Paperwork, Langauge objectives for drum class, it is an exploratory so I only see them for nine weeks and then get a new group. It is truly a challenge to figure out. I will though and I am determined to figure it out. I can teach a paper bag to play a drum if you give me enough time but, that is the problem. There is no time, and no retention or ability for retention so all that's left is finding ways to spend time with different activities and making sure that I am turning in the appropriate paperwork the appropriate way. For a goal oriented person who strives to reach goals and has shown an ability to set goals and reach them multiple times. TO take away goals is a tad confusing but, I will just have to figure out new different kinds of goals to reach. 

So I have basically figured out in the past couple of weeks that I haven't figured anything out but, I'm happier and have more time to realize it. 

  

Halloween!

I love halloween. I have so many good memories of halloween. It's fun, being scared and excited at the same time. I think halloween was the first real independence I can remember feeling as a child. I was with my friends, on my street, with a pillowcase, all dressed up, and completely left to my own devices for an indetermined amount of time. It was thrilling then and still bring a smile to my face. 

My dad would be all dressed up and sitting in a chair in front of the house handing out candy to all the kids from the neighborhood. Trying to ease the worries of the younger ones that it would be ok to come and get candy. It was a time when I could see out in the open the truly gentle nature of my father. Mom was always dealing with my little brother. He was a toddler at the time. 

After the thrill of trick or treating came the annual pouring of all the candy on the floor to sift out the " iffy" pieces and the pieces we didn't want. One thing I always wonderend and never understood was why people insisted on making those popocorn balls after the movie halloween came out. They knew that neither would we eat them willingly or, our parents allow us to eat them. Seemed like a wasted effort even to a nine year old. 

I also remember my "last" halloween. I was about fourteen, with the same friends, and in the same neighborhood. Our domain had now grown two streets over and we barely put any effort into our costuming. We came to one house and the lady answered the door with, " aren't you two a little old to be trick or treating?" Then it was over, and for several years it became haunted houses and scary movies.

In college my teacher would let me come over to his house and give out candy. He lived in a nieghborhood and kids were everywhere all at once, " It was back!" 

Now I have a little one and I am always a little too excited about all the holidays. I love hearing him pick out his coustume and to see the scrunch of his little nose when he puts his hand in the pumpkin. 

One thing is noticably different now though. It seems like I won't be able to pass on that spirit of independence to him because of they world is now. Now we take our kids to the mall, and to trunk or treat to make sure that they are safe. 

I am going to fight it though. I plan on in a few years sitting on the front lawn in a chair trying to ease the worries of the young ones that it will be ok to come and get a piece of candy, I am also going to let my son go with a friend or two up down our street and feel the ture joy of a kid at halloween. 

Happy halloween everyone, god bless.//

September has come and almost gone.

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post and things have been interesting to say the least.

I feel a little lost and for the first time in my life  a little confused about what I want to do for the future.

Here's what I know as of right now.
- I have a great family and people who are willing to care about me and help me even when I am a jerk.
- I have a great little boy.
- I am relatively intelligent and can adapt to most situations.

Here's what I lost or forgot how to do.
- I used to be the funnest guy in the room. I laughed, I made others laugh, and people wanted to be around me.
- I forgot how to envision my future and know how to plan and get where I want to be.
- What I want to do professionally.

A year ago I was running around crazy and completely overwhelmed about working out my life around my typical shcedule and fixing the financial mistakes I had made while I was married. The main idea was to making life fit around the thing I wanted to do professionally and fit in life when I could arrange it. I wanted to be a good father and I really tried ,and still try, to be a good father. I was making it fit though instead of it being the priority.

Now all the things that were comfortable are gone. My life is completely about figuring out how to start over both professionally and personally and I am spinning around in circles to figure it out.  

One thing I now know thanks to a god shaking is that feeling sorry for myself and looking backward won't make things happen.

 I am figuring out now that I want to fit my job into my life instead of the other way around. For the first time I am completely ok with leaving band behind to have a life. That is a new and scary place for me.

I also know that I love teaching but, as it stands now, teaching has little to do with education. It has become this bargaining chip for unions and politicians. As evidence, in all the news stories about education how many times does the question, What is the best decision to help the students, come into play? I know it's bad punctuation and a run on sentence. I teach music back off.

Not teachers, or posturing to constituents, but helping kids have better lives. That's why we do it or, at least it used to be.

So, I have concluded that I don't know much, but I know I love you, and that may be all I need to know.

Thanks for listening and thanks for not judging my little thoughts on pixels.

Labor Day Weekend

It has been a good couple of weeks. There have been struggles to be sure and some things still need to be worked out but, over all I think things are good. 

My new job is very different than anything I have ever done and is challenging me in ways I would have never thought. I am not used to the ages of kids I am working with or the demographics.  Also in the past I have been involved in creating goals for both progress and the building of skills in a progression to create a program. 

This job is way more general music based and is supposed to be just to introduce kids to things and not to create any fluidity in the program. This is a hard change for me because the kids have no interest in excellence. They just want to do fun things and bang on drums. However an hour and a half of banging on drums makes things really hard to find things to do. 

I will figure it out but, it's going to take a minute. 

However, I do get home in time to take my son to do things, I am going to some concerts, went camping with him for the first time, I haven't missed an event at his school, and have still had the time to join the YMCA and start exercising. 

Another job thing, I don't take it home, obsess, or feel pressure to equate myself with my job. 

I am struggling with some things in this new life but,  I am going to make the best of things and live my life not live my job.

A new week. A new life, and a new pain in left knee.

It has begun! 

We have moved and unpacked, well kind of.... 

This has been a challenging week and has also been full of new starts, ideas, and pathways for both myself and my son that I am very excited about. I have also come to understand that kids are kids and if I could establish solid relationships in one place I can do it again and again. I am going to have to teach my butt off but, it will be so fun. It is amazing how distance can empower and make you feel more in control. 

There are a lot things to figure out here but I am going to do it with a new perspective. 

I am not going to let my thoughts scare and intimidate me into not trying new things or being successful. My lizard brain will not win this one. 

On another note... 

My little boy is already showing signs of being different in only a week. Some good, some bad. He has been through a lot already and is going though even more now. I hope one day I am as tough and resilient while being as lovable and happy as anyone can be. He is truly a great little guy. 

One funny story...

Yesterday I was putting together his bed while he was downstairs playing. I would check on him to make sure things were ok. I screwed in a side board and peeked out. Everything seemed to be fine but, as I looked closer I noticed something. HE WAS NAKED from the waist down. When I asked why he had no pants on he looked at me and said, " I spilled on them."  It seems that when we spill something on ourselves the right thing to do is just take that piece of clothes immediately. 

If this were true however I would end most meals with my shirt off. 

Take Care and have a good week. 

The times they are a changin'

Well things are definitely changing around these parts. 

Everything is changing. 

My son, my job, my living situation, my outlook, my attitude, and my financial situation. 

All of this change is kind of scary but, it is really exciting too. The life I have built here has traveled its course and I am ok with it. With my divorce and this learning to live on my own has caused me  to watch the world change without changing myself. 

I have felt stuck in an a movie where everyone tells me I am supposed to feel different and everything is going to get better but nothing changes for me but the situations. 

It has gotten better in some ways,  but not in others. Time to shake things up!

I am doing well in one aspect of my life. My son and I are moving in the right direction. He is more verbal and articulate, he is happy, he is catching up to other children his age scholastically, and our relationship is so great.  I am truly fortunate to have such a sweet and caring son. 

I am also excited to try something new professionally. I really do love the guys I worked with like my brothers and I will miss them. 

However, I am excited for new experiences, ideas, and a new atmosphere. I have  found that sometimes there is too much history. It keeps people from evolving or being able to evolve because of past events. This eventually makes it so no matter how you act or react it is perceived with a slant of how it would have been handled in the past. We live and we learn, hopefully.

I am so ready for this change! It is going to be an awesome ride!