Today I went to Laura's funeral. She was my girlfriend in college. I haven't spoken to her in years but, I still feel so sad that she is gone. I am sad for her family, for her daughter, and me. I don't know if I am allowed to feel sad but, I don't care. I loved her at one time and that is enough for me. I sat there in a pew and thought of all of our times good and bad. There were both to be sure but, that's life.
I have been told a number of times in the past few months that I am "too nice" or that I take things at work "too personally" and that I shouldn't feel so obligated all of the time. To me that sounds crazy so I will take them one at a time and explain my position.
1) I take things too personally at work. Well I am a teacher that is my job and in that job I teach persons. People with feelings that I have convinced to trust me and to follow me in an endeavor that needs a great amount of attention to make excellent. Also to care too much sounds silly about something anything that I do that represents myself, my family, my son, and my good name in general. To me that's like saying that steak was too good. Just ridiculous.
2) People say if you are too nice then you will be taken advantage of by others. Maybe; but to operate with sincerity in my belief that people are basically good it is imperative. In my eyes boundaries are lines created by imaginary fear of losing something.
3) Being too obligated to others is curse at times. I rethink every situation too much and spread myself too thin but, as long as it is done with sincerity I guess it just means I care.
I hope at the end of my days someone tells me that I cared too much and I was too nice.
It is an amazing thing to love another person. I have had the privilege three times. All were good and then lost in time. Life happens and I hope when the time is right I will have the courage to love as naively and innocently as I did then.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Birthday joys and sorrows
Well it was little man's birthday this week. I worked for a couple of weeks to put it together without any help from my illustrious parental counterpart.
The party was good. None of his little friends from school showed but, that is probably good considering the tension of the adults involved.
She decided to make an appearance after everything was packed up, ask where all the food was, and try an start am argument about getting my guy bunk beds for his birthday. Classy.
Then she followed that up by asking to go watch him try and his new bike but actually laying on a table and texting on her phone the whole time.
I am so tired of dealing with trying to keep civil and having to listen to her sob stories. All while there is no effort placed in anything but her own life. I am trying so hard to keep going and I really need to find a way to finally let go completely and start a new life.
The party was good. None of his little friends from school showed but, that is probably good considering the tension of the adults involved.
She decided to make an appearance after everything was packed up, ask where all the food was, and try an start am argument about getting my guy bunk beds for his birthday. Classy.
Then she followed that up by asking to go watch him try and his new bike but actually laying on a table and texting on her phone the whole time.
I am so tired of dealing with trying to keep civil and having to listen to her sob stories. All while there is no effort placed in anything but her own life. I am trying so hard to keep going and I really need to find a way to finally let go completely and start a new life.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
It's officially started
Well I finally filed the appropriate paperwork to begin the process. This came with no shortage of its own problems and frustrations.
I am now learning how the things go from amicable to bitter in a hurry. Dividing up a life and time on paper is challenging and no one feels like they are going allow themselves to be taken advantage of which makes things more confrontational.
Also it makes the process even more difficult when people aren't truthful
I have lost my patience with lies and attempts at manipulation. I am fighting more and more regularly and fiercer and fiercer and the worst part is that it don't like doing it. It must be done however or this life will become unmanageable.
I am now learning how the things go from amicable to bitter in a hurry. Dividing up a life and time on paper is challenging and no one feels like they are going allow themselves to be taken advantage of which makes things more confrontational.
Also it makes the process even more difficult when people aren't truthful
I have lost my patience with lies and attempts at manipulation. I am fighting more and more regularly and fiercer and fiercer and the worst part is that it don't like doing it. It must be done however or this life will become unmanageable.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Been a week or two
It has been a week or two since my last post and not much has happened since them. I had two concerts at school, hosted a winter guard show, hosted a guest artist, got sick, ruptured an ear drum, started big man in speech therapy, been disappointed , and been pleasantly surprised.
It amazing to me how people can completely disavow their own short comings and still try and make you feel guilty about their situation.
I try not to be judgmental but when someone tells you they are going to do something in sequential weeks and then in those weeks completely drop the ball. I find myself not believing them when they say that this time they are going to do it.
It must be a character flaw. Oh well I have a lot of flaws. I am overweight, smoke, have unreasonable standards for my students, love too much, get my feelings hurt too easily, and don't sleep enough.
But I try to be dependable, I mean I'd I wasn't dependable we would be in trouble. Like of I forget to do things it affects a whole other life and that isn't going to happen!
It amazing to me how people can completely disavow their own short comings and still try and make you feel guilty about their situation.
I try not to be judgmental but when someone tells you they are going to do something in sequential weeks and then in those weeks completely drop the ball. I find myself not believing them when they say that this time they are going to do it.
It must be a character flaw. Oh well I have a lot of flaws. I am overweight, smoke, have unreasonable standards for my students, love too much, get my feelings hurt too easily, and don't sleep enough.
But I try to be dependable, I mean I'd I wasn't dependable we would be in trouble. Like of I forget to do things it affects a whole other life and that isn't going to happen!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Friday march 2nd
Well it has been an interesting week to say the least. Boy got sick, estranged wife sold the tv my parents gave her for Xmas and took it from the house, had to pick up lots of slack, and ran out of pepper jack cheese. If this week lasted two more days I would run for the hills.
I had a new occurrence this week. Some people like to share ideas about the way things should be done. That is fine if you have any intention of helping getting them done. Toe these people's ideas are like when my generation saw Swiss family Robinson. After that movie all my friends and I wanted treehouses with all the bells and whistles. We had plans and ideas big time. I NEVER KNEW ANYONE WITH A TREE HOUSE!!
Either put up or shut up!
I had a new occurrence this week. Some people like to share ideas about the way things should be done. That is fine if you have any intention of helping getting them done. Toe these people's ideas are like when my generation saw Swiss family Robinson. After that movie all my friends and I wanted treehouses with all the bells and whistles. We had plans and ideas big time. I NEVER KNEW ANYONE WITH A TREE HOUSE!!
Either put up or shut up!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Birthday
Well I have made it another year. The facebook onslaught ensued with the eight million happy birthdays. The kids at school all told me happy birthday and I did have a pretty good day. It is good to know that even in some way you have connected with people.
The past couple of days have been busy and have worked out pretty well. I am frustrated with my inability to just say what I think when a certain someone tells me all of these things that they want. I am tired of being passive but can't make myself just fight. Then after when I am alone I go over the conversations and say what I would liked to say in my mind until my head spins. I am sure I am the only person who has had the argument they wish that they had in their mind after the real argument is over. If I am the only one don't tell me because I don't want to feel like a weirdo.
Well happy birthday to me and here's to 37 more wild and crazy years.
The past couple of days have been busy and have worked out pretty well. I am frustrated with my inability to just say what I think when a certain someone tells me all of these things that they want. I am tired of being passive but can't make myself just fight. Then after when I am alone I go over the conversations and say what I would liked to say in my mind until my head spins. I am sure I am the only person who has had the argument they wish that they had in their mind after the real argument is over. If I am the only one don't tell me because I don't want to feel like a weirdo.
Well happy birthday to me and here's to 37 more wild and crazy years.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Crazy days
Today was one of the most futile and crazy endeavors of my adult life. (besides trying to potty train)
I am not going to go into details but, I learned a little more about human evolution and cultural differences between myself and others than before.
I am not being judgmental or, at least not trying to be, unfair to people. It just seems that what some people can convince themselves is normal, tolerable behavior would make me unmanageable.
Tolerance for crazy is something I don't possess the skill set to deal with at all. Chaos breeds chaos, Violence breeds violence, and stupid is as stupid does.
Like Forrest says, "life is like a box of chocolates. You never what you're going to get." However, what he doesn't tell you is that you might not know what you're going to get; but nearly everyone throws some of those chocolates out because they are awful.
I am not going to go into details but, I learned a little more about human evolution and cultural differences between myself and others than before.
I am not being judgmental or, at least not trying to be, unfair to people. It just seems that what some people can convince themselves is normal, tolerable behavior would make me unmanageable.
Tolerance for crazy is something I don't possess the skill set to deal with at all. Chaos breeds chaos, Violence breeds violence, and stupid is as stupid does.
Like Forrest says, "life is like a box of chocolates. You never what you're going to get." However, what he doesn't tell you is that you might not know what you're going to get; but nearly everyone throws some of those chocolates out because they are awful.
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