Sunday October 28, 2012

I woke up this morning at 3:30 a.m. picked up my phone and looked up the definition to the word petulant. Which is:
Childishly sulky or bad-tempered.

This is a characteristic of mine, my son, and most people I know's behavior at one time or another.

This has been a challenge for me this week in dealing with others in my life. I find myself working around adults, especially some. I end up feeling like I am constantly raising other adults in my life.

This makes me feel more alone and crazy!

I am writing this post from a bus seat on my way back from a marching band contest. It went really well and made me realize something about myself.

When I am immersed in the throws of preparing the kids to perform and the actual performance, I am pure. My mind is blank and driven with one singular purpose. Everything is about the present moment.

I wish life were more like that.

There have been songs about it, thousands hours of research and meditations about it but, until there are less things to take care of in life we are all doomed to be a million places at once mentally.

It seems this is just the way it is going to be for all of us.

I will just have to keep holding onto the bits of clarity that I can catch in the wind of a stadium, concert hall, or playing with a four year old.

That will be enough for me.

October 21, 2012

     It has been very interesting in crazy town this week. It was fall break and I am more tired than if I would have been at work! I decided to paint as many rooms in the house as I could in three days. That was two. I didn't realize how incredibly long it take to paint a room correctly and I wanted to do this correctly.
     So after I finished the bathroom, my ex-wife comes to visit. This means she will notice Miles is in the room, ask me a bunch of questions, tell me all of the injustices in her life, gather up a car load of her stuff, and then leave. The state calls this visitation. Anyway, sunshine walks in the house apparently smells paint.  She walks directly into the bathroom then comes out and says, "I hope you have some of that paint left over so I can fix all those spots." She could tell with my response that I didn't appreciate her remarks and tried to back peddle as fast as she could but, too late.
      Also this week we had a band contest which went really well. The thought of  band as competitions makes me my mind wander and in turn me to giggle. The term makes me picture students and directors actually doing things to deter or sabotage the other bands to enhance their chances. I picture kids from other bands running on the field and keeping people from getting to their spots, rigging equipment to fail, trip wires, or all manner of things to enhance your own chances. The movie in my mind is hilarious but, real life is simply not as exhilarating as our fantasies. Weird right?!
    The kids did really as well as they could and I was very proud of them. We came in third.

   My man is still having some trouble at school. He doesn't want to take a nap and calls for his daddy at nap time. Side note: Why do they have to tell me this? I picture my son just distraught and sobbing and begging for me. This makes me feel awesome - Thanks guys! Also he is not focused, won't follow instructions, and is being rough. I know my kid and see is none of these things so like being concerned I started visiting during my planning period and guess what? He was actually doing some of the things. which floored me, but nothing to the level they have you believe. When I say he was doing these things I mean he was going from center to center and playing with his friends, they had to repeat themselves a couple of times, and he ran with the other boys. I saw what they are saying but I refuse to be a part of the current educational model which emasculates little boys as soon as possible or, tries to medicate them. I guess I will have to be that guy.

Well that was my week. No grandiose philosophical rants or life changing moments. Just two guys dealing with my crazy in-laws and ex wife. Trying to keep sane and have a little fun in the process. I hope this week was good for you.

Questions and Answers

     I have been trying to think about what I was going to write about for this week. It has caused my thoughts to run around in my head so fast that i am afraid they are going trip.

     This week has been not too anything. There was no more turmoil than usual, schedules were not interrupted, and we navigated crazy river pretty well as well.

     I have also been thinking about the relationships in my life both past and present. People have more than supportive this past year and always ask me how things are going. It has also caused several old friends to reach out. All of this reminiscing has made me think about how the many different decisions, we make in split seconds based off of nothing but feelings, can alter our life in drastic ways. It really is funny how things turn out.
     This all causes me to question things that are better left alone. I grew up with some truths. There is a God, he has a plan for us, everything is in his ultimate plan and will work out in the end.

         I still hold some of those truths close to my beliefs close to my heart but, now I have some serious questions.
           I know there is a god. I have seen him in everything around me and in my son's eyes. However I am wavering on his plan for everything and it all works out in the end. I have seen recently that sometimes things don't work out for the better, and, to be frank, if God had the past year planned for me he is kind of a jerk. I don't know if things will work out for the better but, I know that I will make sure that things will work and we will be fine.
        Also I have heard many times about having a personal relationship with God. Well I have never been a part of any relationship where at some point there wasn't some sort of tension. I feel it is ok to shake your fist at the sky, grieve parts of your relationship being lost, and overjoyed at new parts gained. This makes it more authentic for me.  

    So I have figured out this week that I have incredible people involved in my life, my ex-wife is still riding the crazy train, I don't really know much of anything, and I will work as hard as my ignorant self can to make sure that my son and I have the best life we can.

    Being unsure about everything is the only thing I can be sure of.

October is here!

       I promised  that this week I would try and refrain from whining about things and have a positive attitude about things. I will try.

      This week has been good except for a couple of bumps in the road. It was the busiest week in awhile and the football game on Friday was out of control in a number of different ways. We had the middle school kids play with the band, it was homecoming, and little man came to the game. I was ready for most of it but, as one would guess adversity is the friend of 300 middle school students in one place. My little man did get to stand on the field and scream touchdown for the first score and do a touchdown dance in the end zone. It was awesome and incredibly cute. 

      Saturday was our first contest day and went pretty well. There are some problems with the show, and to be frank, they are writing errors by the drill guy and the music people not paying attention to each other. They will be easy to fix in the long run but, we didn't really have time to get them yesterday. 

     On the home front, it was just another week of navigation down crazy river avoiding crazy boulders. I am convinced that if you touch one of these boulders it immediately boils your brain so I am extra careful when it comes to both of us and our boating.  

 

The next day I found his first piggy bank that was supposed to have been broken when she was getting some of her stuff from the house. It had not a scratch on it, and was completely empty. It had a note, from the person she used to stay with, saying there was more things of ours at her house. SHOCKING!

We made it through another week! Our brains haven't been boiled, we are still smiling, we decorated the house for halloween, carved some pumpkins, learned to write a K, almost mastered writing our name, and ate some french fries. A pretty good week. 

Oh, and if someone has some really controversial investment opportunities I have ten dollars to invest.  

  

September 30, 2012

      I was sitting here trying to think about what I want to share with this privately/public journal for this week and I didn't want it to be the same old story about me and my boy are gonna make it and my ex spouse being awful. Instead I want to spend some time thinking about what is going well and what is not going so great and see if writing them down can help me think of some solutions.

     The good things - I am starting to do a little better financially. I received a home loan modification which is helping me a great deal but, there are still a lot of bills I simply can't pay. I am trying to figure it out the best I can as I think most people are these days. I do think about how she isn't helping at all financially. To think about it just makes me crazy.

I digress.

     Another good thing is that my little boy is starting to be a lot better adjusted to our life. I am a firm believer that we all need out ruts. People lament their lives being in a rut all the time and wish and hope for excitement and variety. Well my life was devoid of a routine for the better part of a year and let me tell you that ruts are healthy and awesome and I am so glad to be digging my own new daily rut with just my son and myself.

  Also he is starting to catch up with both his verbal communication and his preschool counterparts. He is still behind to be sure but, since we are establishing our routine and now have time to work on all of our schoolwork instead of going here and there.

Biggest thing - I have remembered how to laugh again, really laugh. Laugh from the bottom of my gut and so long and hard that my eyes water. I have found me again.


The bad things-

My boy is behind his preschool counterparts. How did I let this happen?

I have too many bills I can't pay.

I  let myself be affected by ignorance at work and be manipulated into doing things that I know are going to end up either disappointing me or frustrating me because I know other people won't get them done.

I am lonely.

 Well there's where I am at these days. As you can see my mind is conflicted about everything except, me and the boy are better and my ex is awful. Oh well I will try and find some thing else to talk about next week!

Monday September 24

Wow! That's really all I can say about this past week. It has been a challenge and at the same time normal, busy, and awesome.
   Things are so much calmer since I decided to make things be the way I want them to be instead of making people happy while they present no effort in their own happiness.
    I have been thinking about things and I find myself rationalizing everything.  " I feel this way but, I guess everyone does," or " This is really hard but, things are hard for lots of people." I have decided that I am not going to do that anymore. What is,is, and what I feel is what I feel and I will be damned if I apologize for it.
   Also I am not going to pretend I am going through things a lot of people go through. Sure there are a lot of people who are worse off than me and a lot of people who are going through basically the same thing as me but, frankly I don't care. I am an individual ad I am allowed to feel that this is hard.
  I also refuse for this to make me hard or harden my heart towards people. Other people's lives are what they are and mine is what it is. That's it. Nothing more or less and I won't begrudge people.
  I still love people and I love being around people and I love being. I am not perfect, my life is a mess, and I wouldn't trade it with anyone else's because I would have to pack. Does anyone know how I acquired so much crap?

Smile- not because God loves you , but, because I love you. If you are reading this you are someone important to me.

Bring it life! Let's see what else you got!
 

Week of September 17

It has been a good week. My new approach to our life is already starting to pay dividends. Little man is sleeping in his bed by himself for the first time in months. He is doing way better in speech. So well that his teacher says we are going to give it another month and if he is still doing this well he will be caught up and not need to come anymore.
He is learning to count and write his alphabet better than ever and his focus level is way higher.
I am now learning how to manage my thoughts and not feel guilty about everything I think. I am also learning how to not be a part of the crazy or let the crazy affect my state of mind.
Things aren't perfect, but they are getting better.
I am afraid though that this schedule is simply not doable for many more years not because I am too tired or things are slipping but, I want my guy to be able to play soccer, do cub scouts, take karate, or whatever and actually be able to do it without our whole life revolving around my crazy schedule.
I love the kids I teach and I really like
My job, but I both like and love my son more.