May 29 2012

Today I went to Laura's funeral. She was my girlfriend in college. I haven't spoken to her in years but, I still feel so sad that she is gone. I am sad for her family, for her daughter, and me. I don't know if I am allowed to feel sad but, I don't care. I loved her at one time and that is enough for me. I sat there in a pew and thought of all of our times good and bad. There were both to be sure but, that's life.

I have been told a number of times in the past few months that I am "too nice" or that I take things at work "too personally" and that I shouldn't feel so obligated all of the time. To me that sounds crazy so I will take them one at a time and explain my position.

1) I take things too personally at work. Well I am a teacher that is my job and in that job I teach persons. People with feelings that I have convinced to trust me and to follow me in an endeavor that needs a great amount of attention to make excellent. Also to care too much sounds silly about something anything that I do that represents myself, my family, my son, and my good name in general. To me that's like saying that steak was too good. Just ridiculous.

2) People say if you are too nice then you will be taken advantage of by others. Maybe; but to operate with sincerity in my belief that people are basically good  it is imperative. In my eyes boundaries are lines created by imaginary fear of losing something.

3) Being too obligated to others is curse at times. I rethink every situation too much and spread myself too thin but, as long as it is done with sincerity I guess it just means I care.

I hope at the end of my days someone tells me that I cared too much and I was too nice.

It is an amazing thing to love another person. I have had the privilege three times. All were good and then lost in time. Life happens and I hope when the time is right I will have the courage to love as naively and innocently as I did then.

Birthday joys and sorrows

Well it was little man's birthday this week. I worked for a couple of weeks to put it together without any help from my illustrious parental counterpart.
The party was good. None of his little friends from school showed but, that is probably good considering the tension of the adults involved.
She decided to make an appearance after everything was packed up, ask where all the food was, and try an start am argument about getting my guy bunk beds for his birthday. Classy.
Then she followed that up by asking to go watch him try and his new bike but actually laying on a table and texting on her phone the whole time.

I am so tired of dealing with trying to keep civil and having to listen to her sob stories. All while there is no effort placed in anything but her own life. I am trying so hard to keep going and I really need to find a way to finally let go completely and start a new life.

It's officially started

Well I finally filed the appropriate paperwork to begin the process. This came with no shortage of its own problems and frustrations.
I am now learning how the things go from amicable to bitter in a hurry. Dividing up a life and time on paper is challenging and no one feels like they are going allow themselves to be taken advantage of which makes things more confrontational.
Also it makes the process even more difficult when people aren't truthful

I have lost my patience with lies and attempts at manipulation. I am fighting more and more regularly and fiercer and fiercer and the worst part is that it don't like doing it. It must be done however or this life will become unmanageable.