Tuesday, January 31, 2012

January 31

With my current state of affairs being somewhat in flux day to day I find that dependability is more important in the people around me than ever before. Things I used to shrug off as "you know so and so" are almost intolerable now.
Schedule has become as important to me as substance.
Creating a stable environment free of chaos and dramatic flair has become one of the major focuses of my life. It is what I am striving for emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
We are starting to have a routine in daily life and it has become soothing during this time for both of us. I only hope that these routines continue because they really help make our lives more enjoyable.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Saturday January 28

It seems to me the only thing more futile than cleaning a house with a toddler living there would be to convince the American public that teachers work hard.
I do clean. Probably worse than some and better than others and I find its ritual soothing somehow. I create a list of activities, get the materials together, turn on some music, and then clean.
I am alone in my thoughts and they wonder here and there with no real responsibility to them. I spray, scrub wipe, repeat. I also get the pride of sitting down after it is done and admiring my work but, somehow that never seems to happen. As soon I as I stop I see that one thing I forgot or didn't get quite clean.

This also seems to happen in daily life for me. I try hard to go through my daddy checklist. Feeding, bathing, playing, more playing, reading, potty training, etc., but at the end of the night I lay there and think of thing I didn't quite get to or didn't want to do. Instead of New Year resolutions I find myself making daily resolutions to do whatever more or a little better everyday. I am afraid I make the list so long everyday that I doom myself to never feeling like I am never doing enough.
I think this is probably pretty natural but who knows? Oh well, I am pretty sure the when the list is done  I will look around and admire the life that past me by while I was living it.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Funny story

It seems that my little boy is about as sarcastic as his dad at the age of three.
Yesterday he and I were making dinner together ,as we always do, and everything seemed fine. He put the water and the butter in the pot. We lit the cube steak in a zip lock bag and he shook it up and then daddy cooked everything.
After it was all done we sat down to eat and little man took one bite of his cube steak, spit it out, looked at me and said "poopy." I explained that he had made it to which he responded "poopy."
It is a good thing that there is always chicken noodle soup around. It always saves us from, "poopy."

A new day

One thing that I struggle with now and it may because I am hyper sensitive to it is constant reprimanding of my son. It seems like I say don't grab that, let's pick that up, out of your mouth all the time.
I know that I need to keep him from doing things dangerous and that he needs to learn how to operate in society but I don't want to unfun him or make him a weirdo or something.
I guess there has to be a balance somewhere an hopefully we can find it once he stops putting things on his mouth and grabbing things he shouldn't.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

January 25

I can't help but wonder today. If things are going to get significantly better or are they pretty much going to stay the same. Staying the same is ok as I am sure things could be worse.
I think everyone has a desire to have things that they don't have no matter their circumstance.
Complacency is the enemy of happiness to most people's perception but, where is the fine line between complacent and content?
Just my thoughts this morning.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

January 2012

This is my therapy. I once heard someone say ,or I made it up, that putting it in print makes it real and therefore able to be processed. I hope that's true because I definitely have much processing to do.
Any way here goes!

First some back story. I have been married for six years and I am now separated. That's all the back story anyone needs. The sorted details are just that ; details. The reality is the situation I am in now. A single dad who works a lot and has a three year old little boy.

I am trying my best in a rugged situation and I am constantly conflicted in whether what and how I am doing things are right and/or the best way to deal with any of life's situations. I have developed some routines in trying to keep a house liveable and trying to spend as much time as I can with the little man. I am often conflicted about my logical reasoning and my conscious conscience and the way it makes me feel. I hate telling my son to go play and I will be there in a minute while I load the dishwasher while remembering the fact that he hasn't seen me for the last nine hours.
; I feel horribly guilty that I crave the break I get on Friday nights when he stays with his grandparents.
I hope this is normal.

The one thing that I do take solace in is that I think he is ok. We are both relatively happy in our lives and I hope that we can stay that way. Every parent screws up their kid in some way but, I hope and pray mine is something inane like he doesn't eat green beans or, he doesn't like to wear flannel shirts or something.
It is weird that my only conversations after work are with a three year old in broken English and usually consist of some sort of quiz about where's the circle, what does a cow say, or what color is the puppy in the book.
It could definitely be worse. I could be talking to adults about politics!

This does make me feel better