Sunday, December 29, 2013

Happy New Year

I started to write this on Christmas Eve and I am finishing after the New Year has started. 

For some I feel like I need to add a timeline to these posts. To me it s like telling a priest how long it has been since your last confession. It gives context and at the same time allows me to put things in order mentally which is the whole reason that this blog exists for me.

This year has been full of new adventures, growing pains, and learning lots of new things. This Christmas has been full of new things as well. New surroundings and traditions make everything new and a little different. I do know that after this Christmas I am going to do somethings different next Christmas to make it a little less hectic and more enjoyable for both myself and the boy. Trying to be in two places at once never works and only makes things more stressed. 

At this point, last year has come to a close and the new year is upon us. Everyone seems to feel nostalgic and looking towards the future. Resolutions abound from everyone, even resolutions to not make resolutions for the defiant ones. We all need the defiant ones who refuse to watch the hip new show, know what is popular, or just generally be righteous in there ability to remain unaware of society in some way. 

I have spent a good bit of time this past week thinking about this past year and creating some ideas about ways to make my new year better. I just read an article about how systems and not goals actually make us do better at things. So I resolve to create some better behaviors for the new year. I am not going to set the end goals. Here are the things I am going to try and figure out how to do. 

1) I am going to do more exercising. Half marathons are hipper than starbucks right now and everyone wants to run in color, mudder toughly, or something else. I just want to feel a little better.

2) Write everyday. I am not going to try and write a book but, I am going to spend more time writing about something everyday if even for a little bit. Then if it makes sense try and make something like a book out of it. 

3) Be more organized with my time. Man can I waste some damn time, epsecially on the internet!

4) Laugh. I am not going to take myself, my job, my relationships, money, or anything too seriously. I used to do this as a habit, especially at work, and it makes no difference in the end. Good work is good work and making it something it isn't only makes you lose perspective of the actual size of the world. 

I said once that I think life is a compilation of what we think we deserve, what we will tolerate, and how we view ourselves. That doesn't mean that that can't change at a moment's notice. 

I know that everyone has read a million things like this. To paraphrase one of my favorite movies. This blog is mine. I can not blog without my blog and my blog can't blog without me. 


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Today is a new day

It is the week of Thanksgiving and like most people I have been thinking of things I am thankful to have in my life.

We have all seen the Facebook daily reminders, which I think are great, but I not interested in sharing the specifics of why I am thankful or for what I am thankful. This leads, in my opinion, to the people feeling responsible to post the same old responses.

Well what if I am truly thankful for chile rellenos? Is that silly? If I told you romantic back story about how we went to have them the night before my son was born because a nurse told us that he was on his way and we should go have a good meal and pack the car to which we both immediately wanted Mexican food.

Would it make more sense and be less silly?

I am of course thankful for the things that make my life worth living. My family, my son, my relative good health and the good health of those I care about, etc...

I am also thankful for thing others would think are silly. Like people reading these posts and telling me they read them. It makes my feeling feel valid.

I am also very thankful that some things are gone from my life and are hopefully to never return.

So I want everyone know that I am thankful for all the people who have given me any support and have guided my life to where I am now. Good or Bad I have been guided by people, events, and the silliest of things have led me to this place.

Happy Thanksgiving and I hope that it is happy, thankful, and restful for everyone.

An old post I forgot to publish

This week has taught me many things about me, my relationships, my work, and my life in general.

The first thing it has taught me about myself is that I am starting to feel more like myself. I am still scared, insecure, most importantly lonely but, I am starting to figure out that I am all those things so I can start to work on them. I am going to start making  lists and checking them off for things I can change to help in all of these areas. 

My relationships are hard to work on and / or define. I have my family relationships, my friend relationships, and my work relationships. The thing is because of my past work experience almost all of  my friend and work relationships are so intertwined that they are almost impossible to separate. I left where I was to have more time with my son however and I have had so much more time with him that I am really grateful. However, when I actually want to do anything with other adults they are all with their families because they don't have band stuff that weekend or, at band stuff. It makes a social life somewhat challenging. This is yet another area that I am going to have figure out how to move forward. 

My work is the biggest change of them all. The kids are different, the expectations different, just everything is different. I am having to figure out how to approach my position. The high school portion is fine . I understand it. I am trying to take kids give them skills, make them good at those skillls, perform with those skills, add more skills and repeat. Basicall what I have always done. Just in some ways starting over. It is fun and a new challenge and I think I needed it. 

Now the middle school is a different story. It is everything new. Paperwork, Langauge objectives for drum class, it is an exploratory so I only see them for nine weeks and then get a new group. It is truly a challenge to figure out. I will though and I am determined to figure it out. I can teach a paper bag to play a drum if you give me enough time but, that is the problem. There is no time, and no retention or ability for retention so all that's left is finding ways to spend time with different activities and making sure that I am turning in the appropriate paperwork the appropriate way. For a goal oriented person who strives to reach goals and has shown an ability to set goals and reach them multiple times. TO take away goals is a tad confusing but, I will just have to figure out new different kinds of goals to reach. 

So I have basically figured out in the past couple of weeks that I haven't figured anything out but, I'm happier and have more time to realize it. 


Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I love halloween. I have so many good memories of halloween. It's fun, being scared and excited at the same time. I think halloween was the first real independence I can remember feeling as a child. I was with my friends, on my street, with a pillowcase, all dressed up, and completely left to my own devices for an indetermined amount of time. It was thrilling then and still bring a smile to my face. 

My dad would be all dressed up and sitting in a chair in front of the house handing out candy to all the kids from the neighborhood. Trying to ease the worries of the younger ones that it would be ok to come and get candy. It was a time when I could see out in the open the truly gentle nature of my father. Mom was always dealing with my little brother. He was a toddler at the time. 

After the thrill of trick or treating came the annual pouring of all the candy on the floor to sift out the " iffy" pieces and the pieces we didn't want. One thing I always wonderend and never understood was why people insisted on making those popocorn balls after the movie halloween came out. They knew that neither would we eat them willingly or, our parents allow us to eat them. Seemed like a wasted effort even to a nine year old. 

I also remember my "last" halloween. I was about fourteen, with the same friends, and in the same neighborhood. Our domain had now grown two streets over and we barely put any effort into our costuming. We came to one house and the lady answered the door with, " aren't you two a little old to be trick or treating?" Then it was over, and for several years it became haunted houses and scary movies.
In college my teacher would let me come over to his house and give out candy. He lived in a nieghborhood and kids were everywhere all at once, " It was back!" 

Now I have a little one and I am always a little too excited about all the holidays. I love hearing him pick out his coustume and to see the scrunch of his little nose when he puts his hand in the pumpkin. 

One thing is noticably different now though. It seems like I won't be able to pass on that spirit of independence to him because of they world is now. Now we take our kids to the mall, and to trunk or treat to make sure that they are safe. 

I am going to fight it though. I plan on in a few years sitting on the front lawn in a chair trying to ease the worries of the young ones that it will be ok to come and get a piece of candy, I am also going to let my son go with a friend or two up down our street and feel the ture joy of a kid at halloween. 

Happy halloween everyone, god bless.//

Sunday, September 22, 2013

September has come and almost gone.

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post and things have been interesting to say the least.

I feel a little lost and for the first time in my life  a little confused about what I want to do for the future.

Here's what I know as of right now.
- I have a great family and people who are willing to care about me and help me even when I am a jerk.
- I have a great little boy.
- I am relatively intelligent and can adapt to most situations.

Here's what I lost or forgot how to do.
- I used to be the funnest guy in the room. I laughed, I made others laugh, and people wanted to be around me.
- I forgot how to envision my future and know how to plan and get where I want to be.
- What I want to do professionally.

A year ago I was running around crazy and completely overwhelmed about working out my life around my typical shcedule and fixing the financial mistakes I had made while I was married. The main idea was to making life fit around the thing I wanted to do professionally and fit in life when I could arrange it. I wanted to be a good father and I really tried ,and still try, to be a good father. I was making it fit though instead of it being the priority.

Now all the things that were comfortable are gone. My life is completely about figuring out how to start over both professionally and personally and I am spinning around in circles to figure it out.  

One thing I now know thanks to a god shaking is that feeling sorry for myself and looking backward won't make things happen.

 I am figuring out now that I want to fit my job into my life instead of the other way around. For the first time I am completely ok with leaving band behind to have a life. That is a new and scary place for me.

I also know that I love teaching but, as it stands now, teaching has little to do with education. It has become this bargaining chip for unions and politicians. As evidence, in all the news stories about education how many times does the question, What is the best decision to help the students, come into play? I know it's bad punctuation and a run on sentence. I teach music back off.

Not teachers, or posturing to constituents, but helping kids have better lives. That's why we do it or, at least it used to be.

So, I have concluded that I don't know much, but I know I love you, and that may be all I need to know.

Thanks for listening and thanks for not judging my little thoughts on pixels.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Labor Day Weekend

It has been a good couple of weeks. There have been struggles to be sure and some things still need to be worked out but, over all I think things are good. 

My new job is very different than anything I have ever done and is challenging me in ways I would have never thought. I am not used to the ages of kids I am working with or the demographics.  Also in the past I have been involved in creating goals for both progress and the building of skills in a progression to create a program. 

This job is way more general music based and is supposed to be just to introduce kids to things and not to create any fluidity in the program. This is a hard change for me because the kids have no interest in excellence. They just want to do fun things and bang on drums. However an hour and a half of banging on drums makes things really hard to find things to do. 

I will figure it out but, it's going to take a minute. 

However, I do get home in time to take my son to do things, I am going to some concerts, went camping with him for the first time, I haven't missed an event at his school, and have still had the time to join the YMCA and start exercising. 

Another job thing, I don't take it home, obsess, or feel pressure to equate myself with my job. 

I am struggling with some things in this new life but,  I am going to make the best of things and live my life not live my job.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

A new week. A new life, and a new pain in left knee.

It has begun! 

We have moved and unpacked, well kind of.... 

This has been a challenging week and has also been full of new starts, ideas, and pathways for both myself and my son that I am very excited about. I have also come to understand that kids are kids and if I could establish solid relationships in one place I can do it again and again. I am going to have to teach my butt off but, it will be so fun. It is amazing how distance can empower and make you feel more in control. 

There are a lot things to figure out here but I am going to do it with a new perspective. 

I am not going to let my thoughts scare and intimidate me into not trying new things or being successful. My lizard brain will not win this one. 

On another note... 

My little boy is already showing signs of being different in only a week. Some good, some bad. He has been through a lot already and is going though even more now. I hope one day I am as tough and resilient while being as lovable and happy as anyone can be. He is truly a great little guy. 

One funny story...

Yesterday I was putting together his bed while he was downstairs playing. I would check on him to make sure things were ok. I screwed in a side board and peeked out. Everything seemed to be fine but, as I looked closer I noticed something. HE WAS NAKED from the waist down. When I asked why he had no pants on he looked at me and said, " I spilled on them."  It seems that when we spill something on ourselves the right thing to do is just take that piece of clothes immediately. 

If this were true however I would end most meals with my shirt off. 

Take Care and have a good week. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The times they are a changin'

Well things are definitely changing around these parts. 

Everything is changing. 

My son, my job, my living situation, my outlook, my attitude, and my financial situation. 

All of this change is kind of scary but, it is really exciting too. The life I have built here has traveled its course and I am ok with it. With my divorce and this learning to live on my own has caused me  to watch the world change without changing myself. 

I have felt stuck in an a movie where everyone tells me I am supposed to feel different and everything is going to get better but nothing changes for me but the situations. 

It has gotten better in some ways,  but not in others. Time to shake things up!

I am doing well in one aspect of my life. My son and I are moving in the right direction. He is more verbal and articulate, he is happy, he is catching up to other children his age scholastically, and our relationship is so great.  I am truly fortunate to have such a sweet and caring son. 

I am also excited to try something new professionally. I really do love the guys I worked with like my brothers and I will miss them. 

However, I am excited for new experiences, ideas, and a new atmosphere. I have  found that sometimes there is too much history. It keeps people from evolving or being able to evolve because of past events. This eventually makes it so no matter how you act or react it is perceived with a slant of how it would have been handled in the past. We live and we learn, hopefully.

I am so ready for this change! It is going to be an awesome ride! 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

100 mph with towards a brick wall

      That title basically illustrates the way I have been feeling as of late between all of the things and people running around in my life I feel like I am on a constant tilt-a-whirl. .

    I have a problem that I can't seem to change and if I don't it will kill me and that is my constant worry for others and the way they feel about everything. Institutions mean a great deal to me to a fault. Respect of titles and relationships outweigh common sense to it is unbearable and I explode. Then I am perceived as the belligerent, or crazy one, because I finally let it out after being disrespected or placated for a period of time.
     It is a trait that had been instilled in me from an early age. I think and worry about things that others seems to not care about at all. This isn't my parents "fault" but more an awesome and helpful lesson that I have oversimplified because I am a wimp too often. Then when I do share my opinion I am, "too passionate about it."
     This contradiction as plagued me forever and there doesn't seem to be a clear end in sight.

There is way more to report about my life but, I need to wait a couple more days before I let everyone in on the bug changes.

Take Care

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Things have been good, different, but good

It is hard to believe it has been almost a month since I have written anything. Things have been crazy as usual but, mostly having to do with scheduling and trying to create a new life for my son and I. 

The  past few weeks have seen my son turn five, the end of the school year, two trips home to MJ, new connections with old friends, some new friends, smiles, laughs, and more than a few tears. 

One of the biggest struggles of the last few weeks has been with my son. Not necessarily in dealing with him but, his relationships with his mother, her family, and more importantly other kids. 

I am trying to figure out our place in the world and how much slack to give him when i am around. 

I think of the world as a giant playground which bothers me greatly.  I think most people think of it as a release of their parenting duties, which in my opinion is the opposite of its intention. 

Instead of creating a nurturing environment for play and social interaction it becomes a sub culture of meanness where at an early age they learn cliques, hateful speech, and that to get what you want you have to take it. Pretty much everything that in my opinion that keeps the world in a limbo of sameness and stupidity. 
I want my son to be able to make it in this world but, I don't want him to be cynical or mean as a youngster. 

I have also made a decision to sell this house, or die trying, because everything square inch is comfortable and reminds me of a life gone and that should be forgotten. I will never move on with my life as long as the only thing different in my life is that she doesn't live here. I feel like the past year has been a dream and any moment I will wake up and everything will be ok and back to normal.

I have to change my everything to realize my everything has changed. 

Also I have to get away from crazy people who's idea of family is to create drama and then save each other from the drama they created to show that they care. As an example they called to see if they could take my son to get his hair cut. I responded that I was planning to get it cut the following day so they said they wouldn't take him. 

The next day he shows up at home with his hair cut by them and butchered! It was also the week before his birthday party. 

It was thankfully fixable and the crisis was averted but, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT!!!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Crazy Town might be Hotel California.

I have been a part of some crazy shenanigans in the past year or so dealing with my ex-wife and her family but, the past week and a half has presented itself with challenges that I didn't think I would ever have to deal with or even be presented with.

My interactions with her family have been constant and while they present themselves as caring for me and being empathetic to my situation I am completely certain that they are interested in being helpful to the point that it makes sure they will be able to see my son. I mean they tried to get custody of him when we were were first split ! That went well for them. I understand this and use this to my advantage as best I can. It helps with some of my household chores and things around the house but, mostly it is just giving me a day a week to take care of the things I need to take of in my life.

That being said my son is happy and healthy and we are doing great. We have our struggles like any family but, we are moving forward and choosing to move forward. That is a lesson I have learned from a new old friend. She is one of the most positive people I have ever met.

Which, brings my next calamity moment of the past week.

I was the victim of a cruel and vicious joke when I was in high school. I was elected class president my senior year. I was unaware that this would mean that, much like some forlorn character in a movie, I was now indentured to my class for the rest of my life.

With this dubious honor comes the task of reunions apparently. Long story short, I have been working on this reunion thing for a little over four months now. I finally got what I thought was the ball rolling pretty effeciently from five hours away.

HOWEVER, in a matte of minutes I was informed by one group that I was doing nothing and that I should , butt out, and by a whole other hostile group that I was trying to do it all by myself and wouldn't listen to anyone. This literally happened within minutes of each other,

So I quit and I have been happy for it.

it seems to me like my life is a series of events in a circle. I can try and be reasonable and it doesn't work. I set my limits and try to make my life normal and it eventually is turned back into a carnival ride. I hate the song Hotel California but, I sure as hell understand it now.

take care and watch out for bird poop. (one of my all time fears is to be pooped on by a bird)

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Catching up

It has been a couple of weeks and frankly I haven't just had time to get to writing this thing. Sorry.

I sure have needed this little fountain of whine where I can say almost all the things I would like to say.

Things have been busy to say the least. I haven't really had much negative happen other than a few situations that I would like to share. 

The boy got sick
He found out that the ex is having a child
Constant communication with my ex-inlaws. Which is exhausting.
Work has just been weird.

Most of them were easy to handle. When your kid is sick, you take them to the doctor and try to make them feel better. Simple. 

It was not even that hard to talk to him about the ex having a baby. He doesn't think about relationships and their complications. Man I him envy him on that one. 

His thought process is - He loves his mommy. Mommy is having a baby. I am a brother. Done. 

I wish I could feel that simply about any relationship. It seems relationships are increasingly hard for me because of my being burned so badly. From work to old friends, I find myself thinking about the angles more than the statements or actions. I have been around people who manipulate for so long that people who don't really want anything but friendship seem to be non existent  Every one seems to have an angle, including me sometimes. It is all so confusing and frankly sad that it has come to that but life goes on. 

I feel like my life is getting to make a sharp turn. I have been taking little steps to financial, physical, and mental well being for the past year. Now I feel like in the next couple of months so dramatic changes are going to take place and I am more than ready to rock this boat as hard as it will without capsizing and removing all the progress I have made.

Oh well just some thoughts to catch up on. I am sure I will have more to say later in the week. 

Be good.   

Monday, March 18, 2013

The Games that People Play

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It seems to me that codependency is running rampant with people that I know and my elf included. My son can't and won't handle being out of reach, sight, or voice for more than about forty five seconds.

I am such a mess I talk myself out of doing things because they are things I should do with so and so or whatever lame excuse I can come up with for not doing it.

I think this is becoming more and more common because people are scared. There is an air about everything that makes it seem like we are on the verge of being desperate, hungry, homeless, or a host of awful things. We are fed everywhere turn that things aren't going well. Shown the awful maniacs of the world and generally kept to believe the whole world is teetering on a needle at the top of Mount Everest and any minute it will all be over as our society plunges into chaos.

Maybe that is the way things are and maybe it isn't I don't really know. The thing I do know and  am trying out now is just not caring either way.

I was presented a situation this year that completely changed my outlook. It taught me so much about the image I had created of myself, the image of others not close to me, and the image of those close to me. It sharpened all of these images into crystalline focus and changed my behaviors to these various things possibly forever.

I also learned that if you indulge people with what they tell you they want both of you will realize quickly that people generally don't want what they say. They want some conglomeration of what they think they deserve, what they think you want to give, and those seldom resemble what they say.

This post may seem negative but, it is really positive for me. I have learned so much about relationships, success, failure, acceptance, integrity, perseverance, and perceptions in both my personal and professional lives this year. I am grateful and ready to approach the rest of my life in both avenues with new sense of vigor and direction. The directions and limitations will now based on what I actually want as I was the chief codependent delusional client in all my interactions.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Falling and Flailing

It is funny about this small attempt by me to publicly track my own thoughts. I have shared the fall, the flail, failure, the rebuild, and the routine and through it all I have left something out that's important for me to get out there. I am scared of the future and I think all the time that I would like the security of my old life.

Now let's be clear. I was treated poorly and my son was treated poorly. I recognize that fact and I wouldn't want to let that happen again. Somehow I feel about my marriage like most of do about high school. If I would have known then what I know now things would have been different. Would they?

It makes wonder weird things and create awful analogies to figure it out. My latest is comparing it to the fall of Rome. I wonder, "how long before they didn't miss the old days?" or " how long did it take them to forget the awful and romanticize the thought of what it was." I know my little life is not as epic as Rome, but please allow me my delusions of grandeur. It is my blog and I'll dance if I want to.

My son has entered a couple new phases that make me giggle. He loves to announce to me that he will be mad at me, he will whine, and that he doesn't like me right now. I guess mean old daddy better think twice now before he makes him brush his teeth!

The other I don't like so much. He says things like,  I will bop you in the head, I will ninja you in the leg, and so on. He promptly backs away from these with a simple , EXCUSE ME? Then he says " I'm Sorry. I love you Daddy," immediately which makes it hard for me to not giggle.

Parenting definitely has it's challenges but, no one told me the hardest one would be to not laugh or smile at how cute he is when he does something wrong and comes to tell me.

I do however think about the good old days often. Everyone likes to acknowledge all things that were wrong with my old life. I would like to acknowledge that we did love each other, we laughed all the time, and at one time were each others best friends. It is unfortunate those things couldn't out weigh the things that were so wrong.

Rome fell, it has been patched up and is ready to begin again. Kind of

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Audacity

The things that others feel comfortable in asking or saying to people astounds me on a daily basis. I remember a show with Bill Cosby called, " Kids say the Darndest Things," and it was really funny because they didn't know any better and they were completely innocent.

At some point that should not be acceptable and it is just everywhere. I teach high school and believe wen I tell you they have no filter for what is appropriate and generally they are still pretty innocent in their asking. They just want to know something about you or their peers and they don't think about it embarrassing you to answer or even hear the question.

Adult are getting worse at this by the minute. A couple of weeks ago I told the story about getting caught kissing in the car and my dad's advice which I use to this day was, "discretion is the better form of valor." I am sure it is not his quote but, he is my dad and so I will forever believe it came from him. This week I have been blown away by the lack of thought by a certain someone and just others that I know.

On another note, being single at my age is hard and confusing. I find myself looking at left fingers and being more awkward than my normally awkward self trying to figure things out and announcing to new acquaintances that I am single dad which makes me seem like a sympathy grabber or something. It is all too Confusing!

My little guy is doing great though. I have been trying to immerse him in as many activities as I can and especially at school. We have established a sense of normalcy in our lives without her and it is ok. He does talk more about her now and ask questions which i am not good at answering and has even been defensive a couple of times announcing that he in fact does have a mommy. That breaks my heart every time. I wish he did have a mommy. I will try my best to keep it so he knows that he has a mommy and not know the truth about the situation. He doesn't deserve that. he has been through enough already.

So let' s  keep moving towards an awesome life and remember to use those brain filters to your mouth!

Peace and Brussel Sprouts

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Been a week or two.

I didn't write last week.

I have been dealing with some things that I don't really feel comfortable talking about but, this is supposed to be my public cathartic release. The bearing of my soul to the universe and the digital voyeurs. 

I have been approached a by a number of people who have read and do read this blog and they tell me that I am in their thoughts and prayers. I really do appreciate this. 

These past few weeks have been relatively quiet as far as drama and I am grateful that karma has decided to give me a break. This has made some decisions for my immediate future a little more troubling. I have found myself reevaluating both my value systems and my goals for me as an individual and my professional aspirations. I am really struggling on finding a path forward. 

I wonder if other people find themselves spending entire days without saying a word. If my boy isn't here and I have scrounged up some sort of plan with someone so I can not feel totally alone. I literally will go two days without speaking a word. Which makes me ponder how many people go for periods of time without speaking to someone. 

I find it suffocating. I of course most of the time have my little one to keep me company and he keeps me busy believe me. However, the lack of emotional and / or intimate connections leave me troubled more than I would like to admit. 

Also my poor self image and lack of self confidence don't help. 

Don't get me wrong I am happy now and I am getting along better now than I can remember in my recent past. Things are moving smoothly but, i am just doing it all alone and have no one but my little guy to celebrate our normalcy with. 

Keep kickin' 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Lovey Dovey for Valentines.

It seems in the recent past I have been spending a significant amount of time talking and thinking about love and relationships in my life and here is what I have figured out.

I really don't much more than I did when I was a teenager and I am just as awkward.

I have been in love a number of times in my life like most people. However I have had four life altering relationships in my life. Jennifer, Laura, Lara Beth, and August have all affected my heart in a number of ways. From being a teenager and first kisses to child birth, divorce and broken hearts they have all had a part in shaping who I am and who I will be in the future.

I have learned that love makes you awkward, shy, foolish, brave, and generally a better and worse person at the same time. You will treat your friends and your family badly. You will watch movies and say the the craziest lies you can muster to to get things smoothed over or to sneak that kiss.

I have some great memories and some awful memories wrapped in these thoughts. Like driving all night to go see Christmas lights, getting busted kissing by my dad in the back of the car. Dancing in the living room night before getting married. Learning to laugh and learning to cry. Watching god awful movies and awkwardly holding hands..

Thinking about these relationships make me wonder if I am damaged goods or am I wiser for it?

Who knows?

I can just bet that I will be awkward as hell and have a great time doing it.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Cell phones and cookies

I find these days I am really intrigued by news of new technology and especially in the mobile realm. I think it is because it seems to be the only thing around these days that seems to really be interested in producing quality and actively trying to surpass their competitors with innovation and quality.

It seems that everything else has associated quantity with quality, or tries to treat the consumer like they are smart enough to know the difference. It seems to be working in their favor though if you follow the Walmart model and most people I know end up in Walmart more tha we would like to admit.

The other thing I like about gadgety technology is their persistence of making things better. I have a metronome application I use all the time and it is great. Just a simple thing that keeps time. I get an update on the simple little app about once every two months. It seems like it works fine and has for years but they feel they need to keep improving it. In think this is refreshing in today's use it and throw it away society.

I find myself doing exactly that like everyone else and then almost immediately have remorse about it. I seem to have the conflict often where what I want to do and my overwhelming insecurity convince myself to have remorse about things that others don't.

It is hilarious with the conversations and bargains I make inside my own head. I will walk by a towel on the floor and then tell myself to go pick it up or, convince myself I will start exercising when I don't have this cold.
I bargain with my own brain all the time and. I wonder if other people do it as much. I have also become a master negotiator with my boy. You can have a cookie if you brush your teeth first. This somehow convinces me that I am still in charge even though he still got what he wanted for doing something he was going to have to do anyway.

Oh well I will try to be better next week if I can talk my self into it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Standing on solid ground

Solid. Solid can mean a host of things to a huge number of people. I have been trying to put my life on solid terms financially, personal relationships, work life, and in parenting. It has been heading that direction and things have been steadily getting better.

The challenge has been to do this through the tornado approach to life of the people I have to deal with along the way. Constant drama and attempts to befriend me through the condemnation of the others completely undermines my attempts at solid.

These two weeks have been rather solid and I am appreciative to the wheels of karma allowing this to happen.

I have had the chance to clear my head about my work situation and have had the amazing opportunity to participate in the inauguration parade, really establish a sense of purpose again, and just make my self comfortable with my goals.

Things haven't been much easier with the others but I am starting to toughen up with them which is making them change their approach to me.

My little boy is doing great. I only have one question about his schooling that I haven't had the courage to ask the teachers. Do they have to send everything piece of paper he has ever touched with a crayon? My refrigerator looks like its wallpapered, and I have a dresser drawer that is becoming full. I love that he is busy but, goodness gracious.

These couple of weeks have been pretty low key other than trying to get a band ready to perform for the inauguration, snow, dealing with the crazies, dealing with some anxiety about flying, and trying to keep my head on straight, raising an awesome little boy and not really much else.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Couches have perspective.

   This week was not full of earth shattering revelations, money woes, cheerful celebrations, or anything of much significance. 

   We had a good week. The new year started with a ginger ale toast followed by the ball dropping on cue while my little one slept and I chatted on Facebook.

    I did not have to back to school this week and he didn't until Thursday so we had the week to stay up too late, go to Chukie Cheese  in the middle of he week for no reason, and generally play around. It was a lot of fun and a little claustrophobic at the same time. 

     You see, little man has to be next to me and I am not being metaphoric or exaggerating in any way. I mean right next to me and preferably making contact. I am literally typing this with him resting on my leg and pulling on my arm. This has the tendency to make me a little edgy sometimes because there is no such thing as personal space. Which also in turn  inflames my guilt reflex and makes me feel bad for not wanting to be with my son every minute. 

   Also I have been trying to change things physically at the house. Moving furniture, painting, new curtains, things like that. It  is incredibly empowering for me for some reason. Who knew that changing the position of a couch a few feet could completely change my perspective? I don't know if it makes me feel like my life is changing because the house looks different or, if it is a simple as I can put things wherever I want and don't have to negotiate anything. 

It may be a little of both or just my imagination but my perspective is changing for the better. 

Who knew couches and curtains were so powerful?

I wish everyone a happy new year and see you soon!!  

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

That really just happened!!

I am really unsure of how to start or say anything in this post.

My Christmas break was really good. I had the privilege of spending time with my family for multiple days (which doesn't typically happen), see some really old friends, and generally relax. It was fantastic!

To be honest it made me really sad to leave knowing that I am going to travel back into the middle of crazy,

So when I got home can you guess what happened? That's right -  crazy town!

-The grandma called me to make sure I knew that the mother had kept the presents she bought at the mother's  house and the grandmother told her - blah, blah, blah. She also came down and looked over the house and cleaned up a bit. NOPE -  everything was exactly the way I left it.

-the mom calls me twice a day since being home to tell me some foolishness about getting the ex's things out of my house, that the grandmother was worried because the ex had done this and that.

- the ex calls and checks on us and little man won't talk to her as usual. Her parents have done this and that, and then she comes to see the little man and let's me know.....wait for it.......that she is pregnant! It is not any of my business other than it relates to my boy but, she actually wanted to know what to tell him. I calmly explained to he that he if four and doesn't need that and wouldn't understand that so we weren't going to tell him anything.

Also my heat went out. This all happened in two days!!

I have figured out the game though. It is called DRAMA HOUNDS and here is how you play.

1) I have a tragedy that I need to be saved from so that once you save me I can vilify you to others.

2)This makes me seems persecuted to the next person who will try and help save me from the villain ,which in turn will make me use you to make you the villain to the next sap.

It is a tangled web that I can't even begin to dig into much my way out of. These people are so adept at this game that if you try and play they will have you so turned around in a matter of minutes you will question whether you, they, or their game is crazy.  

Oh well, Christmas was great, I am great, the boy is great, and we will keep on keeping on until we can change our circumstances.

Have a great week and be careful out there!!