Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas from Crazy Town

Merry Christmas Everyone!

     Today is Christmas day and the past week has been a whirlwind to say the least.

 People are accustomed to being busy during the holidays and I have been used to it too. This one has been no different. Also it seems that I am always broke and get paid like two days before Christmas.

     Making me run around like a crazy person the last couple of days before Christmas but, I always seem to figure it out.

This year was no different.

     This was our first Christmas without the ex in the house and it was weird and a little sad frankly. Eventough she never really did much there was always someone there and this year there wasn't.  This seemed to make everything more challenging. Also my inlaws are always being very nice but, overly nice which leads me to be suspicious of their true motives.

     Dealing with the ex was a challenge on a couple of fronts. First there was times when she was completely normal and others when she was a complete train wreck and made want to run for the hills while pulling my hair out.

     I know that a couple of weeks ago I said I was done being that guy and for the most part I am but, when it comes to ny boy I find myself having to swallow my words and be more passive about things than I would like to, or, deserve to be.

     I just feel that my boy deserves to know his mother and doesn't deserve to know that she completely drops the ball as a mother. If this means I pay and smile and treat people kindly when I would like to tell them to go away or to shut up then that is what I have to do. He will eventually learn on his own and I will hopefully always be there to pick up the pieces.

    This, unfortuantely, also means that others that like to second guess and or give me advice such as, I shouldn't invite her, or tell her this or that. This makes it harder to share with others and results in me sitting here typing my feelings to those of you have the kindness enough read my thoughts.

I guess I will just have to do what I have to do and deal with it or whine and cry to a keyboard.

This holiday with its trials and tribulations has been good, bad, happy, sad, lonely, crowded, frustrating, and relaxing all at the same time. I am guessing this is normal for most and if it's not don't tell me.

I need to think that all of us live in our own versions of CRAZY TOWN!


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Please don't let the world end Friday because Santa Claus is coming!!

Well this week was definitely different than most weeks. It was full of more inner thought about my relationship to the world and how I feel about the things going on in the world than usual.

Frankly, it's about time I thought about something other than myself and my son. I , like most of us, get caught up in my own life's trials and joys and sometime forget that there is a world out there with other people in it who feel basically like I do.

This week an awful thing happened. A young man shot his way into a school then shot 6 adults, including his mother, and 20 children ages 6 - 7.

This tragedy of course unleashed the media machine on this poor little grieving town to make illuminate every crack and crevice of the shooter, the gun industry, school safety, autism, and the relatives and attempts at genuine care. This makes the whole thing so surreal and public that it really makes me as appalled at the behavior of people after the  tragic event than the event itself.

I can't imagine what it would be like and I don't want to because that is too much heartache to even imagine for me. I have deep sympathy for them and their community.

I can imagine, though, that I would probably want to be left alone.

This all makes me think about the world and what is happening in it. I have thought about it more than in years for the past couple of days and here is what I have come up with.

We are all scared to death most of the time. We all think our problems aren't like anyone else's problems. We are all lonely and some of us snap.

Most of the people in the world are good and we have to not let the bad ones ruin this glorious life for us.

I have also had two encounters lately that any other time in my life would really upset me and they both involve people thinking that I said something that I didn't and being just insanely offended.

A year or so this would bother me because I used to spend most of my time walking on eggshells afraid upset anyone.

 Now, I have come to the understanding that if you are willing to abandon someone of any significance in your life over words real relationships will elude you forever.

 Well it has been one heck of a week. I am doing okay. I am still scared,broke, and lonely like the rest of us but, I know it and it is not going to make me sad ever again.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays,


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

What am I ?

What am I ? Who am ? What am I doing? How did I get here?

     I find myself asking these questions almost daily these days. My identity is loosely based on a couple things that are happening in my life. Single dad and band director seem to top the list these days but, I really don't know what I am to myself these days.

    I think we all probably struggle with our titles and how they match up to what we do now and then but, man this is weird!

     I find myself questioning myself while I am doing things that are more on the mother side of the coin in my mind. Saying things in my head like, " my dad never did this stuff," and making myself feel a way about doing what needs to be done. Is it strange that I feel strange about doing things like this or, pouring over websites to buy Christmas presents for my son? Why do I feel less manly when I am mopping the floor while my crust for my pie is baking in the oven? I am watching football at the same time just to be sure that I don't become too effeminate because if someone saw me I would feel uncomfortable.

     It might be that I grew up in such a traditional household and because of this I find myself saying to myself all the time, " what would mom do in this situation?" or, "what would dad do?"

     I spend most of my time trying to figure out things at the same time as actually doing it and, for a person who has always been tough and on top of things, it makes me feel frantic.

      The other thing that I think about are the titles that I have left behind in the recent past. Husband, Lover, and sometimes even friend are distant memories that I remember and wonder if ever will come back to me. Maintaining other titles also becomes something that needs to be worked on and nurtured as well. I am a friend, uncle, brother, and son as well and all these titles and relationships need work to maintain their health.  I struggle to find time and worry about the health of these relationships often.
      People tell me often about how I should go and find a "good woman" and go on and have a good life. Well the truth is I don't really  want or know how to be those things right now I would need to be to make anything like that happen. Women don't take men seriously who ask them out on a date and then share recipes, talk about the best kind of cleaner, or how if you take fabric softener mix it with water and put it in a spray bottle it makes a great febreeze alternative. I don't think women have it in their mind to marry a big burly Martha Stewart.

These are just some questions in my head now that it is completely over. My divorce is final, my son and I are on our own, and I have to remind myself to just be and it will work out.

Thanks for reading and much love.


Monday, December 3, 2012


Here is my diatribe for he week.  I am done. Can you dig it?

  1. I am done fighting. 
  2. I am done being treated like a door mat. 
  3. I am done being insecure about my abilities both as a teacher and a father. 
  4. I am done with being worried about when I put my foot in my mouth. 
     In essence I am done being what people would think when they think of me. I am just going to go on with my life. Come along if you would like and stay behind if you don't I will be good either way.

      I have been used and abused for my passive nature but, not any longer. I will not tolerate bad behavior towards me and especially not towards my boy ever again.

       This transition is going relatively smoothly for me because I am completely tired of foolishness. However, some friends and coworkers are having a rougher time with it because it means they have to gauge what they say and do around me and adjust their behaviors.

I come to a conclusion about human relationships. Let me add the disclaimer that this is not based off of science or  any sort of experiment but, just my opinion.

In any relationship there is someone with the upper hand or more influence. This ebbs and flows according to the situation and the environment but it definitely exists. For example, Mom always has more influence the clothes that are worn while Dad my have way more influence in the function maintenance of the house.
This creates balance and interest in the relationship. There is always a need for the other party to do something that is their sphere of influence in the relationship. When that balance is gone and there is no interest or need in the other party it is really hard for that relationship to continue.

This is starting to happen in some of my relationships as I am changing in my attitudes. It is incredibly interesting for me as I try and notice it from the outside. I just hate to say it but, I just don't have time for some people any more. Their attitudes and actions have made them no longer an asset and instead a liability.

Some things that make you a liability to me:

  1. A person who holds a grudge over something stupid. 
  2. uses me for things but doesn't have time for me
  3. tried to play mind games
  4. mean and angry
 These are just the worst of the worst.

I don't want to be so matter of fact but, I just want to establish some boundaries with everyone so I don't get beat up any longer.