That title basically illustrates the way I have been feeling as of late between all of the things and people running around in my life I feel like I am on a constant tilt-a-whirl. .
I have a problem that I can't seem to change and if I don't it will kill me and that is my constant worry for others and the way they feel about everything. Institutions mean a great deal to me to a fault. Respect of titles and relationships outweigh common sense to it is unbearable and I explode. Then I am perceived as the belligerent, or crazy one, because I finally let it out after being disrespected or placated for a period of time.
It is a trait that had been instilled in me from an early age. I think and worry about things that others seems to not care about at all. This isn't my parents "fault" but more an awesome and helpful lesson that I have oversimplified because I am a wimp too often. Then when I do share my opinion I am, "too passionate about it."
This contradiction as plagued me forever and there doesn't seem to be a clear end in sight.
There is way more to report about my life but, I need to wait a couple more days before I let everyone in on the bug changes.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
It is hard to believe it has been almost a month since I have written anything. Things have been crazy as usual but, mostly having to do with scheduling and trying to create a new life for my son and I.
The past few weeks have seen my son turn five, the end of the school year, two trips home to MJ, new connections with old friends, some new friends, smiles, laughs, and more than a few tears.
One of the biggest struggles of the last few weeks has been with my son. Not necessarily in dealing with him but, his relationships with his mother, her family, and more importantly other kids.
I am trying to figure out our place in the world and how much slack to give him when i am around.
I think of the world as a giant playground which bothers me greatly. I think most people think of it as a release of their parenting duties, which in my opinion is the opposite of its intention.
Instead of creating a nurturing environment for play and social interaction it becomes a sub culture of meanness where at an early age they learn cliques, hateful speech, and that to get what you want you have to take it. Pretty much everything that in my opinion that keeps the world in a limbo of sameness and stupidity.
I want my son to be able to make it in this world but, I don't want him to be cynical or mean as a youngster.
I have also made a decision to sell this house, or die trying, because everything square inch is comfortable and reminds me of a life gone and that should be forgotten. I will never move on with my life as long as the only thing different in my life is that she doesn't live here. I feel like the past year has been a dream and any moment I will wake up and everything will be ok and back to normal.
I have to change my everything to realize my everything has changed.
Also I have to get away from crazy people who's idea of family is to create drama and then save each other from the drama they created to show that they care. As an example they called to see if they could take my son to get his hair cut. I responded that I was planning to get it cut the following day so they said they wouldn't take him.
The next day he shows up at home with his hair cut by them and butchered! It was also the week before his birthday party.
It was thankfully fixable and the crisis was averted but, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT!!!
Posted by jwalsh at 12:39 PM