Sunday, September 30, 2012

September 30, 2012

      I was sitting here trying to think about what I want to share with this privately/public journal for this week and I didn't want it to be the same old story about me and my boy are gonna make it and my ex spouse being awful. Instead I want to spend some time thinking about what is going well and what is not going so great and see if writing them down can help me think of some solutions.

     The good things - I am starting to do a little better financially. I received a home loan modification which is helping me a great deal but, there are still a lot of bills I simply can't pay. I am trying to figure it out the best I can as I think most people are these days. I do think about how she isn't helping at all financially. To think about it just makes me crazy.

I digress.

     Another good thing is that my little boy is starting to be a lot better adjusted to our life. I am a firm believer that we all need out ruts. People lament their lives being in a rut all the time and wish and hope for excitement and variety. Well my life was devoid of a routine for the better part of a year and let me tell you that ruts are healthy and awesome and I am so glad to be digging my own new daily rut with just my son and myself.

  Also he is starting to catch up with both his verbal communication and his preschool counterparts. He is still behind to be sure but, since we are establishing our routine and now have time to work on all of our schoolwork instead of going here and there.

Biggest thing - I have remembered how to laugh again, really laugh. Laugh from the bottom of my gut and so long and hard that my eyes water. I have found me again.

The bad things-

My boy is behind his preschool counterparts. How did I let this happen?

I have too many bills I can't pay.

I  let myself be affected by ignorance at work and be manipulated into doing things that I know are going to end up either disappointing me or frustrating me because I know other people won't get them done.

I am lonely.

 Well there's where I am at these days. As you can see my mind is conflicted about everything except, me and the boy are better and my ex is awful. Oh well I will try and find some thing else to talk about next week!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Monday September 24

Wow! That's really all I can say about this past week. It has been a challenge and at the same time normal, busy, and awesome.
   Things are so much calmer since I decided to make things be the way I want them to be instead of making people happy while they present no effort in their own happiness.
    I have been thinking about things and I find myself rationalizing everything.  " I feel this way but, I guess everyone does," or " This is really hard but, things are hard for lots of people." I have decided that I am not going to do that anymore. What is,is, and what I feel is what I feel and I will be damned if I apologize for it.
   Also I am not going to pretend I am going through things a lot of people go through. Sure there are a lot of people who are worse off than me and a lot of people who are going through basically the same thing as me but, frankly I don't care. I am an individual ad I am allowed to feel that this is hard.
  I also refuse for this to make me hard or harden my heart towards people. Other people's lives are what they are and mine is what it is. That's it. Nothing more or less and I won't begrudge people.
  I still love people and I love being around people and I love being. I am not perfect, my life is a mess, and I wouldn't trade it with anyone else's because I would have to pack. Does anyone know how I acquired so much crap?

Smile- not because God loves you , but, because I love you. If you are reading this you are someone important to me.

Bring it life! Let's see what else you got!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Week of September 17

It has been a good week. My new approach to our life is already starting to pay dividends. Little man is sleeping in his bed by himself for the first time in months. He is doing way better in speech. So well that his teacher says we are going to give it another month and if he is still doing this well he will be caught up and not need to come anymore.
He is learning to count and write his alphabet better than ever and his focus level is way higher.
I am now learning how to manage my thoughts and not feel guilty about everything I think. I am also learning how to not be a part of the crazy or let the crazy affect my state of mind.
Things aren't perfect, but they are getting better.
I am afraid though that this schedule is simply not doable for many more years not because I am too tired or things are slipping but, I want my guy to be able to play soccer, do cub scouts, take karate, or whatever and actually be able to do it without our whole life revolving around my crazy schedule.
I love the kids I teach and I really like
My job, but I both like and love my son more.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

September 8, 2012

   It has been an interesting week to say the least. I have made some decisions relating to the care of my little guy that I am really thinking are going to be for the best. I have spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to keep people happy. Running here there and everywhere to try and keep the drama to a minimum. Afraid that people won't help me if I make them upset. 
    I am officially done with that. My son and I will be staying home and living a normal life. We are going to establish our rut and run with it. If people have a problem with that then they will just have to have a problem with it. If she has a problem with how I raise him without her support let her take me to court and prove that she is fit to have any input in his raising. 
   I went to my counselor this week and he is going to help me figure out how to not calm my mind.
   I think about every decision over and over, my feelings over and over, my parenting over and over, and basically trapping myel with my own mind. 
    I need to come to grips with something. What is, is. That means how I feel is how I feel, the decisions I make at work eithe work or they don't, I try as hard as I can in my parenting and what I get done is what I get done. 
I am not going to second guess my feelings. Also I am not going to feel guilty about my feelings. 
Last but not least - I am not responsible for the world. I am not going to feel obligated to everyone but, just one and he is going to be ok no matter what. 
   Some people aren't going to like this new way of being. Some people won't know how to take me anymore. 

I am ok with that. 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Labor day weekend

It has been a good week. We went to my parent's house for a visit and everything went fine. Little man went to his first football game with my folks and I went to my first away game of the year.
My only two frustrations of the week have to do with two situations that are taking advantage of the same strategy against me. People consistently either treat me like I don't know how to figure out that they are lying or, that I don't have the courage to call them on it.
I think the second is more like the truth of the situation. I convince myself that it is not worth fighting over or that it won't solve the problems but, it actually teaches people that they can get away with treating me poorly or having control over my life.
I am determined to not let this happen anymore. It may make me unpopular at work and cause me grief in my dealings with her but, it is time for a new me to draw some lines on acceptable behaviors towards me.
If people don't like it I guess they will have to mutter angrily to themselves because I am done with that.