Monday, March 18, 2013

The Games that People Play

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It seems to me that codependency is running rampant with people that I know and my elf included. My son can't and won't handle being out of reach, sight, or voice for more than about forty five seconds.

I am such a mess I talk myself out of doing things because they are things I should do with so and so or whatever lame excuse I can come up with for not doing it.

I think this is becoming more and more common because people are scared. There is an air about everything that makes it seem like we are on the verge of being desperate, hungry, homeless, or a host of awful things. We are fed everywhere turn that things aren't going well. Shown the awful maniacs of the world and generally kept to believe the whole world is teetering on a needle at the top of Mount Everest and any minute it will all be over as our society plunges into chaos.

Maybe that is the way things are and maybe it isn't I don't really know. The thing I do know and  am trying out now is just not caring either way.

I was presented a situation this year that completely changed my outlook. It taught me so much about the image I had created of myself, the image of others not close to me, and the image of those close to me. It sharpened all of these images into crystalline focus and changed my behaviors to these various things possibly forever.

I also learned that if you indulge people with what they tell you they want both of you will realize quickly that people generally don't want what they say. They want some conglomeration of what they think they deserve, what they think you want to give, and those seldom resemble what they say.

This post may seem negative but, it is really positive for me. I have learned so much about relationships, success, failure, acceptance, integrity, perseverance, and perceptions in both my personal and professional lives this year. I am grateful and ready to approach the rest of my life in both avenues with new sense of vigor and direction. The directions and limitations will now based on what I actually want as I was the chief codependent delusional client in all my interactions.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Falling and Flailing

It is funny about this small attempt by me to publicly track my own thoughts. I have shared the fall, the flail, failure, the rebuild, and the routine and through it all I have left something out that's important for me to get out there. I am scared of the future and I think all the time that I would like the security of my old life.

Now let's be clear. I was treated poorly and my son was treated poorly. I recognize that fact and I wouldn't want to let that happen again. Somehow I feel about my marriage like most of do about high school. If I would have known then what I know now things would have been different. Would they?

It makes wonder weird things and create awful analogies to figure it out. My latest is comparing it to the fall of Rome. I wonder, "how long before they didn't miss the old days?" or " how long did it take them to forget the awful and romanticize the thought of what it was." I know my little life is not as epic as Rome, but please allow me my delusions of grandeur. It is my blog and I'll dance if I want to.

My son has entered a couple new phases that make me giggle. He loves to announce to me that he will be mad at me, he will whine, and that he doesn't like me right now. I guess mean old daddy better think twice now before he makes him brush his teeth!

The other I don't like so much. He says things like,  I will bop you in the head, I will ninja you in the leg, and so on. He promptly backs away from these with a simple , EXCUSE ME? Then he says " I'm Sorry. I love you Daddy," immediately which makes it hard for me to not giggle.

Parenting definitely has it's challenges but, no one told me the hardest one would be to not laugh or smile at how cute he is when he does something wrong and comes to tell me.

I do however think about the good old days often. Everyone likes to acknowledge all things that were wrong with my old life. I would like to acknowledge that we did love each other, we laughed all the time, and at one time were each others best friends. It is unfortunate those things couldn't out weigh the things that were so wrong.

Rome fell, it has been patched up and is ready to begin again. Kind of

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Audacity

The things that others feel comfortable in asking or saying to people astounds me on a daily basis. I remember a show with Bill Cosby called, " Kids say the Darndest Things," and it was really funny because they didn't know any better and they were completely innocent.

At some point that should not be acceptable and it is just everywhere. I teach high school and believe wen I tell you they have no filter for what is appropriate and generally they are still pretty innocent in their asking. They just want to know something about you or their peers and they don't think about it embarrassing you to answer or even hear the question.

Adult are getting worse at this by the minute. A couple of weeks ago I told the story about getting caught kissing in the car and my dad's advice which I use to this day was, "discretion is the better form of valor." I am sure it is not his quote but, he is my dad and so I will forever believe it came from him. This week I have been blown away by the lack of thought by a certain someone and just others that I know.

On another note, being single at my age is hard and confusing. I find myself looking at left fingers and being more awkward than my normally awkward self trying to figure things out and announcing to new acquaintances that I am single dad which makes me seem like a sympathy grabber or something. It is all too Confusing!

My little guy is doing great though. I have been trying to immerse him in as many activities as I can and especially at school. We have established a sense of normalcy in our lives without her and it is ok. He does talk more about her now and ask questions which i am not good at answering and has even been defensive a couple of times announcing that he in fact does have a mommy. That breaks my heart every time. I wish he did have a mommy. I will try my best to keep it so he knows that he has a mommy and not know the truth about the situation. He doesn't deserve that. he has been through enough already.

So let' s  keep moving towards an awesome life and remember to use those brain filters to your mouth!

Peace and Brussel Sprouts