Sunday, February 17, 2013

Been a week or two.

I didn't write last week.

I have been dealing with some things that I don't really feel comfortable talking about but, this is supposed to be my public cathartic release. The bearing of my soul to the universe and the digital voyeurs. 

I have been approached a by a number of people who have read and do read this blog and they tell me that I am in their thoughts and prayers. I really do appreciate this. 

These past few weeks have been relatively quiet as far as drama and I am grateful that karma has decided to give me a break. This has made some decisions for my immediate future a little more troubling. I have found myself reevaluating both my value systems and my goals for me as an individual and my professional aspirations. I am really struggling on finding a path forward. 

I wonder if other people find themselves spending entire days without saying a word. If my boy isn't here and I have scrounged up some sort of plan with someone so I can not feel totally alone. I literally will go two days without speaking a word. Which makes me ponder how many people go for periods of time without speaking to someone. 

I find it suffocating. I of course most of the time have my little one to keep me company and he keeps me busy believe me. However, the lack of emotional and / or intimate connections leave me troubled more than I would like to admit. 

Also my poor self image and lack of self confidence don't help. 

Don't get me wrong I am happy now and I am getting along better now than I can remember in my recent past. Things are moving smoothly but, i am just doing it all alone and have no one but my little guy to celebrate our normalcy with. 

Keep kickin' 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Lovey Dovey for Valentines.

It seems in the recent past I have been spending a significant amount of time talking and thinking about love and relationships in my life and here is what I have figured out.

I really don't much more than I did when I was a teenager and I am just as awkward.

I have been in love a number of times in my life like most people. However I have had four life altering relationships in my life. Jennifer, Laura, Lara Beth, and August have all affected my heart in a number of ways. From being a teenager and first kisses to child birth, divorce and broken hearts they have all had a part in shaping who I am and who I will be in the future.

I have learned that love makes you awkward, shy, foolish, brave, and generally a better and worse person at the same time. You will treat your friends and your family badly. You will watch movies and say the the craziest lies you can muster to to get things smoothed over or to sneak that kiss.

I have some great memories and some awful memories wrapped in these thoughts. Like driving all night to go see Christmas lights, getting busted kissing by my dad in the back of the car. Dancing in the living room night before getting married. Learning to laugh and learning to cry. Watching god awful movies and awkwardly holding hands..

Thinking about these relationships make me wonder if I am damaged goods or am I wiser for it?

Who knows?

I can just bet that I will be awkward as hell and have a great time doing it.