I guess it is time for my weekly post. This week has been productive but, a little weird without my little man. I hate it when he is not around and I hate myself for how easy it is and how I think about how hard it is going to be when he gets home.
I really hope this doesn't make me a bad dad and just a human being who is recognizing that his life is more or less complicated according to the situation. I also have reached a place where if people do think that it makes them feel like a bad person then whatever. My little brother has cemented that word as my least favorite in the entire english language. Its indifference just drives me crazy and infuriates me and he can use at the perfect time and the perfect way to completely make me crazy. Now I feel that way about a whole section of people and ideas.
I have come to a place in both my job and dealing some specific people where I just have a limit on what I will tolerate in both speech and actions. After that threshold is reached I am done both with the person and the situation. I still don't have the capacity to fight like others think I should or like I feel like I want to sometimes but I feel it coming and fast. When it does I hope I can control it. I guess that is the real fear. The fear that if I let it out, if I say how I feel, that I won't be able to hold the tiger by the tail and it will get out of hand.  
It scares the hell out of me. Way more than being by myself for the rest of my life with a little boy and mountains of debt. That is easy. Just love him with my whole heart, try harder than I think I can, and keep going, just keep going. So that is the plan right now.
Keep the mouth at bay and just keep going.

See you soon! Stay in front if you want to talk to me cause I'm not looking back any more!

July 14

This week has been ok. My little fellow got sick this week and subsequently got made me sick.
Band camp starts next week and I am ready to get started. It will present its challenges in logistics relating to my little fellow but nothing I don't think I won't be able to handle. I mean I have done it by myself to this point.
I am trying to set limits on what I am willing to communicate and do in regards to my ex instead of being less nice. People say I am top nice all the time and I have trouble with that. What I do feel is appropriate to set limits on mine and his exposure to her, communication with her, and what is acceptable behavior.
We both need a release from the drama and I will try to find a way to get it.

July 3, 2012

We have been back from vacation for awhile and last week was my first week of camp. Things went really well and I am very excited about the upcoming year. My buddy went to stay with my mom and dad the week of camp and it is amazing how much I missed him. It made me realize that I really don't have a lot of contact with other adults.
When we got back his mother came to see him and of course there was a big scene. She did ok paying attention to him and even tried to help out a little. Then she broke down about her life which is not going so well.
I do feel bad for her. She has no home to speak of, no car, her shop was shut down, and things aren't going very well. I do feel awful for her and I hope she can herself figured out.
It makes me fell awful because my life hasn't necessarily changed that much. It also makes me sad that it hasn't.
When we were together I got him up, took him to school, came home, made dinner, played with him, gave him a bath, put him to bed, and then went to bed alone while she sat up and read or played on her phone, or watched whatever, and then I got up and did it again. We really didn't have much contact with each other even though we lived in the same house. So now that I am by myself the only thing that is different is that I don't wake up next to anyone. Which is sad when I think about how I lived but also sad when I think about how different her life must be.
I am lonely but, not at the same time. It is weird; I am around people all the time but I don't really have anyone to talk to other than his blog. 
I think that some people are so used to not to making themselves thing it steps that they when things go so invariably wrong they can't think in terms of creating a list of getting put of it. 
I  am convinced that everything in life good and bad come from lists and steps, whether they are in our mind or written down, everything that is successful happens in some order. Even in trying to start my new life I am having to create lists and orders to try and get out of this hole I am drowning financially. 
I will follow the steps and finally get on the right side of things.