I have received only positive feedback from people about it but, the actual sitting down and composing these little pieces of ill conceived dribble really are hard for me to compose. They are personal snippets of my thoughts that are composed with both the truth and the consideration that others are reading. Anyway , I digress.
I have learned somethings about myself this month. I have learned somethings about relationships this month. I have felt empowered, beaten, resurrected, and loved all in one month. It has been a journey unlike any other that I have felt since starting this cheapskate's version of therapy with a twist of ego.
I like the fact that people read these and say they like them. So sue me.
The first thing I have learned is that I am actually ok with setting limits within a personal relationship and ending that relationship when those limits are violated. This is a new thing for me as I was the absolute king of passive aggessive behavior to a fault. There should have been a case sutdy done on my over extending myself, and agreeing to everything while being disgruntled, embittered, and just down right angry about doing things that I had agreed to do or said were good ideas. In fact I think this trait was the single most to blame in the failure of my marriage, the struggles of my boy, and my financial abyss.
So for me to tell someone on a personal level that the were asking too much and that I wasn't comfortable was a huge milestone.
The next thing that came however, was the beating and it nearly got me.
In my professional career I have always been driven and I have always been able to forge quick and solid relationships with students. It came easy to talk to kids and get them on my side and have them be a part of my vision for what we were doing. This time however, I was met with a set of circumstances that completely tested those skills and shook me to my core beliefs as a professional. I said the word flounder out loud. It caused me to ignore who I am, who I was, and where I want to go.
It was just an awful feeling that I won't let happen again if I can help it.
So I took a minute, asked some advice, shook off some cobwebs, stood up and decided I would be damned if I was going down without a fight. I used to say, " I am the master at working around my circumstances," well now it is time to prove it. I am happy to say things are going much better now. I am learnig to manipulate my environment again, how to be a different teacher with a differrent vision and (with some time) achieve a new and different set of goals. I am on my way to new things and not trying ro recreate old things in a new place.
Last, I went to wedding this weekend. To be truthful, I considered not going. I was tired, it was a long drive, and I didn't want to leave the boy for the weekend. I am thankful for some advice that told me to go and be a good friend. I got up early and drove the five hours to the wedding still wondering if I it was the right call. The answer came quick. When I pulled up they were standing outside but I managed somehow to go by unseen. When I approached the church I finally saw my buddy satnding there all dressed up for his big day. He ran up and hugged me and we both started crying to the point that the preacher came out to see if everything was ok. The amount of sincere friendship and love I felt in that moment filled my heart to the point of bursting. I was so happy for him, to see him, and to just be buddies again for a day.
I also spent the day and into the night sitting and talking to our old friends. It was like a cheesy reunion movie but with sincerity, kindness, mischief, and more laughs than I can remember. We of course talked about some " old times" but mostly we just talked about now.
What was amazing is that we haven't seen each other in so long but, we didn't need to catch up. The time we were apart was nonexistent. Almost like we were asleep and just woke up. It was instant family, comfort, and caring.
It has been one hell of a month. I am sorry for the length of my ramblings but, in the end remember this cheapskate is just trying to sort it all out.