It has been a long time since I have made my self sit down and type out a blog post. This used to be my cathartic way of rationalizing my crazy life without completely going crazy and running with scissors or some other destructive behavior.
I thought that was all behind me ..... well not so much.
It is true that my daily dose of drama has substantially subsided since moving away and I no longer have to deal with people consumed with the need to create catastrophes in order to be saved form them by someone else. It sounds as crazy as it is and it continues still today with the same crowd. The only difference is I don't have to subscribe to the pay per view or, be a participant. I can just pretend it doesn't exist like professional wrestling. It happens, I know it happens, I hear about it happening, I know the people involved, and even with all of that knowledge I couldn't care less.
My new neurosis is worry. I worry about being lonely because I am lonely. I worry about my health because I am fat. I worry about my son. I worry about my job. I worry about what to do next with my life. I worry.
All that being said, I am not currently doing anything to remedy any of these situations in any real or focused way. I clamor around to put out whatever fire is in front of me at the time and then stand stock still until I smell or see the next flames. It is exactly like the feeling you get when you look at your to do list and it is so long that you say, "screw it. " and go drink a margarita at 2:30pm on a Wednesday afternoon for no reason.
This "worry" has become a constant in my life and I am on a mission to fix it. I'm not sure how (even though I am sure a multitude of well meaning people would be more than willing to tell me how immediately causing my natural defiance mechanism which in turn means I will automatically not do that whatever "it" is) but, I am going to try and figure some way to tackle this beast.
I have to.
I made it out of hell. I can make it out of limbo too....