This old dog is trying to learn some new tricks.

 Reflection and feedback are the keys to growth, but as I found in my time in the educational world criticism is usually what people view as direct feedback. Don't get me wrong I'm not suggesting that all feedback should be positive. What I am suggesting that behaviors that are critiqued should be related to  the behavior and not the person.  This is a fundamental tenet of restorative practice for student discipline and should be an integral product of all feedback. 

It appears to me that in the world of adults this is sorely lacking in the work place. Back channel gossip, grumbling, and ultimately disgruntled managers and employees are the result of people being able to disassociate behaviors from the person. Far too often this results in what we classify as, "poor communication," and leads to dysfunctional teams, lack of results, and retention issues. There are no shortage of books and research on the culture of teams, but I have yet to see one make this connection. 

Separating the person from the actions, behaviors, or work products allows the room for growth. It allows people to view how they relate to a team and more importantly how their actions affect their results and the results of the team. Talking about how things make us feel is fine, but does it address the issue? To say, " When you do this, it makes me feel            ," only associates work with feeling and eliminates the ability to disconnect the person from the action. It is a winner take all scenario. The only options are to either continue the behavior and damage the relationship, or stop the behavior to satisfy the feelings.

Relationships are the key to success in a work culture, that is undeniable. What if we surrounded our work culture in talking about the work? What if we could say instead, "when you do this, it makes us feel        , because effects this process?" This gives the person receiving the feedback a connection to the work. It avoids the winner take all approach to feelings and provides a path forward for increasing productivity, or any other work process. 

I am trying this these days and I will completely acknowledge that it is hard. To be able to address things that make me crazy by directly associating it with the work forces me to investigate whether there is actually anything negative happening, or if it my insecurity, idiosyncrasies, or other items. It has produced some interesting results as well because it is not typical. 

We shall see how it turns out. Time will tell

Making it work - Update

      It has been more than a year since I have typed anything in this blog. This was my tool for therapy when my life was in turmoil and I needed some way to step out of myself and examine it from outside the situation.

Since I have moved here and restarted my life I have learned one thing, make it work. When I first moved here I spent the first part of my time turning around in circles looking for things to grab on to to feel stable and give myself direction. At first, I focused on old relationships and spent large amounts of my time reaching out to them to try and rekindle friendships that I cherish but, haven't nurtured or kept going for a long time. I found out rather quickly that while I got along with those old friends, and we could reminisce with the best of them, we all had different lives now and were living and operating in separate circles. These friendships were based on memories of who we were instead  of having the structure and stability of who we are.

Then I turned to my work. Work has always been something in which I could bury myself. The minutia of the tasks would mean I didn't have to acknowledge the rest of my life with any real investment. I could do all the things, make dinner, hug, bathe, but, it was part of the work. It was just my second job. My only investment was in keeping moving and making things continue to happen in a quasi-normal existence. When I moved here it allowed me the luxury of starting all over in a work capacity and made it easy for me to have something else to devote my time into other than my thoughts and feelings as a person.

This was all I knew until - I changed my perspective, or, I might say opened my heart and met the most amazing kids.

These kids taught me real perseverance, poverty, and acceptance when I moved here and it stirred inside me a new feeling which I hope to foster and grow for the rest of my life. This feeling led me to get involved. Something I was never interested in before. I went back to church. I tried really hard at understanding kids and how they felt and what they were going through. I learned that growth can happen at any age and is devoid of anything but the desire to try harder and do something, anything.

I also learned to relieve myself from things like - drama. I noticed the modus operandi of people who were like toddlers wailing and crying into their hands only to look up and see if anyone was noticing before they continued. I noticed that some people have a deep need to create something that they need to be saved from, or, to save someone else. - My whole first marriage was because of this so I am as guilty as anyone else.

Now, I am having the time of my life supporting teachers in their pursuits to help these amazing kids. My son is doing amazing and makes my heart shine with pride everyday because of his kindness, curiosity, and unwavering optimism. I am now in a loving relationship with an amazing woman who wants to be my partner, hold me close, and still be as strong as anyone I know.

All of this because I met some refugee kids and taught them some music. They taught me so much more and I am forever grateful. I know now that God has a plan for me and as long as I don't give up and I keep going he will get me where I need to be.

It has been a long time. A lot has happened.

 So like the title says - "It has been a long time."  Since I last posted to this blog I have met a wonderful woman, married, changed jobs three times, and moved halfway across the country. I have also become a step father to a little man. 

All of these things present their own challenges in different ways.  Through all this change and perpetual movement forward in life I have learned so much, made mistakes, and ultimately developed a new philosophy on life and my place in it. 

When I last used this virtual chronicle of my thoughts and feelings I was living in the midst of confusion and mending from a past that proposed to scar my heart and thoughts to the future. I was clamoring to be a dad and learn a whole new life path in a new city. While the option to close up shop on matters of the heart and devote all my energy into the raising of the boy, a simple camping trip completely turned my life into a roller coaster filled with emotions new and old all while slowly developing me into a happy fool willing to take on new adventures. It turns out that dancing in the kitchen can mend a hearts deepest wounds and teach us that the simplest of eases can be welcomed when not previously experienced. 

This development of my new family and finding comfort in discomfort has helped me in so many ways. In education we use the phrase purposeful struggle as a discussion point to make students work towards solving problems. It turns out life itself is a purposeful struggle and to be open to allowing yourself to experience new things, fail, try again, fail again, and develop new strategies to solve the same old problems can really be fun, frustrating, and so rewarding it will make your heart want to burst with love and gratitude for the opportunity.