We have been back from vacation for awhile and last week was my first week of camp. Things went really well and I am very excited about the upcoming year. My buddy went to stay with my mom and dad the week of camp and it is amazing how much I missed him. It made me realize that I really don't have a lot of contact with other adults.
When we got back his mother came to see him and of course there was a big scene. She did ok paying attention to him and even tried to help out a little. Then she broke down about her life which is not going so well.
I do feel bad for her. She has no home to speak of, no car, her shop was shut down, and things aren't going very well. I do feel awful for her and I hope she can herself figured out.
It makes me fell awful because my life hasn't necessarily changed that much. It also makes me sad that it hasn't.
When we were together I got him up, took him to school, came home, made dinner, played with him, gave him a bath, put him to bed, and then went to bed alone while she sat up and read or played on her phone, or watched whatever, and then I got up and did it again. We really didn't have much contact with each other even though we lived in the same house. So now that I am by myself the only thing that is different is that I don't wake up next to anyone. Which is sad when I think about how I lived but also sad when I think about how different her life must be.
I am lonely but, not at the same time. It is weird; I am around people all the time but I don't really have anyone to talk to other than his blog.
I think that some people are so used to not to making themselves thing it steps that they when things go so invariably wrong they can't think in terms of creating a list of getting put of it.
I am convinced that everything in life good and bad come from lists and steps, whether they are in our mind or written down, everything that is successful happens in some order. Even in trying to start my new life I am having to create lists and orders to try and get out of this hole I am drowning financially.
I will follow the steps and finally get on the right side of things.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Vacation
Well we on our way home from vacation. I went with my parent and my little boy to Orlando. It was interesting and a good time.
It has been along time since I have been a part of the whole riding in the car with my folks for a long time and while I am used to driving here there and yonder with my little guy. I am also used to riding on a bus for hours and hours with my job. This is completely different than both of those.
I am completely grateful for my parents to give me an opportunity to go with my little man to places I can't at this point afford to take him. I appreciate all the meals, gas , and accommodations.
These things are currently out of my reach financially but hopefully not for long.
We are on our way back now and I sincerely hope we all make it back in one piece.
It has been along time since I have been a part of the whole riding in the car with my folks for a long time and while I am used to driving here there and yonder with my little guy. I am also used to riding on a bus for hours and hours with my job. This is completely different than both of those.
I am completely grateful for my parents to give me an opportunity to go with my little man to places I can't at this point afford to take him. I appreciate all the meals, gas , and accommodations.
These things are currently out of my reach financially but hopefully not for long.
We are on our way back now and I sincerely hope we all make it back in one piece.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Ideas about family
I was talking to my mom today about family things and I realized that we have two completely different ideas about family and it makes me wonder about my perception of family and what the little guy's will be.
Both my parents grew up very close to their extended families and saw them regularly. They both had significantly different experiences which is really neat but, the same in they saw them regularly.
My brother and myself did not. Because of my parent's work situations we moved a lot when I was younger. I wouldn't change that for the world. I got to see so many places, learn to adapt to new situations, and learn to be close to my immediate family more than most people I know.
I still care about my extended family but, we don't really share any experiences but a few and when we do get together it always seems to get back to them. People who want to share something common that don't really have anything in common. So we end up talking about one trip to the beach when we were fourteen and we got scared because we thought we were stuck on boogie boards. This is the only common life experience we have and I think that is alright. It just makes us different.
So we end up being more family acquaintances and I think that is alright. My mom thinks this is the craziest thing ever because she has such an attachment to the people and the places that this is her family. She can look at the town and have memories, she can look at the house and have memories, she can think of the people and have memories, I can't. She can also feel a deep sense of connection with her siblings children and why wouldn't she. I feel an instant love for my niece and nephew and we don't live close to each other but they are my little brother's kids and he is my family. We have history and experiences that no other two people have on this earth that bind us and to me that is family.
I grew knowing that family is important and I still think it is. I would do anything in my power for any member of family even the distant ones I don't have any connection with other than name or blood relation.
I also grew up knowing that my family consisted of myself, my brother, my mother and my father and we were our family. We depended on each other and we went through most things both good and bad together.
This makes me wonder how my little boy will feel about family. Whatever it is I hope he knows it is important. I also he has a strong relationship with his grandparents and his uncle, aunt, and their kids but, I will understand if he sometimes doesn't relate or feels a little out of place because I have definitely been there.
Both my parents grew up very close to their extended families and saw them regularly. They both had significantly different experiences which is really neat but, the same in they saw them regularly.
My brother and myself did not. Because of my parent's work situations we moved a lot when I was younger. I wouldn't change that for the world. I got to see so many places, learn to adapt to new situations, and learn to be close to my immediate family more than most people I know.
I still care about my extended family but, we don't really share any experiences but a few and when we do get together it always seems to get back to them. People who want to share something common that don't really have anything in common. So we end up talking about one trip to the beach when we were fourteen and we got scared because we thought we were stuck on boogie boards. This is the only common life experience we have and I think that is alright. It just makes us different.
So we end up being more family acquaintances and I think that is alright. My mom thinks this is the craziest thing ever because she has such an attachment to the people and the places that this is her family. She can look at the town and have memories, she can look at the house and have memories, she can think of the people and have memories, I can't. She can also feel a deep sense of connection with her siblings children and why wouldn't she. I feel an instant love for my niece and nephew and we don't live close to each other but they are my little brother's kids and he is my family. We have history and experiences that no other two people have on this earth that bind us and to me that is family.
I grew knowing that family is important and I still think it is. I would do anything in my power for any member of family even the distant ones I don't have any connection with other than name or blood relation.
I also grew up knowing that my family consisted of myself, my brother, my mother and my father and we were our family. We depended on each other and we went through most things both good and bad together.
This makes me wonder how my little boy will feel about family. Whatever it is I hope he knows it is important. I also he has a strong relationship with his grandparents and his uncle, aunt, and their kids but, I will understand if he sometimes doesn't relate or feels a little out of place because I have definitely been there.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
May 29 2012
Today I went to Laura's funeral. She was my girlfriend in college. I haven't spoken to her in years but, I still feel so sad that she is gone. I am sad for her family, for her daughter, and me. I don't know if I am allowed to feel sad but, I don't care. I loved her at one time and that is enough for me. I sat there in a pew and thought of all of our times good and bad. There were both to be sure but, that's life.
I have been told a number of times in the past few months that I am "too nice" or that I take things at work "too personally" and that I shouldn't feel so obligated all of the time. To me that sounds crazy so I will take them one at a time and explain my position.
1) I take things too personally at work. Well I am a teacher that is my job and in that job I teach persons. People with feelings that I have convinced to trust me and to follow me in an endeavor that needs a great amount of attention to make excellent. Also to care too much sounds silly about something anything that I do that represents myself, my family, my son, and my good name in general. To me that's like saying that steak was too good. Just ridiculous.
2) People say if you are too nice then you will be taken advantage of by others. Maybe; but to operate with sincerity in my belief that people are basically good it is imperative. In my eyes boundaries are lines created by imaginary fear of losing something.
3) Being too obligated to others is curse at times. I rethink every situation too much and spread myself too thin but, as long as it is done with sincerity I guess it just means I care.
I hope at the end of my days someone tells me that I cared too much and I was too nice.
It is an amazing thing to love another person. I have had the privilege three times. All were good and then lost in time. Life happens and I hope when the time is right I will have the courage to love as naively and innocently as I did then.
I have been told a number of times in the past few months that I am "too nice" or that I take things at work "too personally" and that I shouldn't feel so obligated all of the time. To me that sounds crazy so I will take them one at a time and explain my position.
1) I take things too personally at work. Well I am a teacher that is my job and in that job I teach persons. People with feelings that I have convinced to trust me and to follow me in an endeavor that needs a great amount of attention to make excellent. Also to care too much sounds silly about something anything that I do that represents myself, my family, my son, and my good name in general. To me that's like saying that steak was too good. Just ridiculous.
2) People say if you are too nice then you will be taken advantage of by others. Maybe; but to operate with sincerity in my belief that people are basically good it is imperative. In my eyes boundaries are lines created by imaginary fear of losing something.
3) Being too obligated to others is curse at times. I rethink every situation too much and spread myself too thin but, as long as it is done with sincerity I guess it just means I care.
I hope at the end of my days someone tells me that I cared too much and I was too nice.
It is an amazing thing to love another person. I have had the privilege three times. All were good and then lost in time. Life happens and I hope when the time is right I will have the courage to love as naively and innocently as I did then.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Birthday joys and sorrows
Well it was little man's birthday this week. I worked for a couple of weeks to put it together without any help from my illustrious parental counterpart.
The party was good. None of his little friends from school showed but, that is probably good considering the tension of the adults involved.
She decided to make an appearance after everything was packed up, ask where all the food was, and try an start am argument about getting my guy bunk beds for his birthday. Classy.
Then she followed that up by asking to go watch him try and his new bike but actually laying on a table and texting on her phone the whole time.
I am so tired of dealing with trying to keep civil and having to listen to her sob stories. All while there is no effort placed in anything but her own life. I am trying so hard to keep going and I really need to find a way to finally let go completely and start a new life.
The party was good. None of his little friends from school showed but, that is probably good considering the tension of the adults involved.
She decided to make an appearance after everything was packed up, ask where all the food was, and try an start am argument about getting my guy bunk beds for his birthday. Classy.
Then she followed that up by asking to go watch him try and his new bike but actually laying on a table and texting on her phone the whole time.
I am so tired of dealing with trying to keep civil and having to listen to her sob stories. All while there is no effort placed in anything but her own life. I am trying so hard to keep going and I really need to find a way to finally let go completely and start a new life.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
It's officially started
Well I finally filed the appropriate paperwork to begin the process. This came with no shortage of its own problems and frustrations.
I am now learning how the things go from amicable to bitter in a hurry. Dividing up a life and time on paper is challenging and no one feels like they are going allow themselves to be taken advantage of which makes things more confrontational.
Also it makes the process even more difficult when people aren't truthful
I have lost my patience with lies and attempts at manipulation. I am fighting more and more regularly and fiercer and fiercer and the worst part is that it don't like doing it. It must be done however or this life will become unmanageable.
I am now learning how the things go from amicable to bitter in a hurry. Dividing up a life and time on paper is challenging and no one feels like they are going allow themselves to be taken advantage of which makes things more confrontational.
Also it makes the process even more difficult when people aren't truthful
I have lost my patience with lies and attempts at manipulation. I am fighting more and more regularly and fiercer and fiercer and the worst part is that it don't like doing it. It must be done however or this life will become unmanageable.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Been a week or two
It has been a week or two since my last post and not much has happened since them. I had two concerts at school, hosted a winter guard show, hosted a guest artist, got sick, ruptured an ear drum, started big man in speech therapy, been disappointed , and been pleasantly surprised.
It amazing to me how people can completely disavow their own short comings and still try and make you feel guilty about their situation.
I try not to be judgmental but when someone tells you they are going to do something in sequential weeks and then in those weeks completely drop the ball. I find myself not believing them when they say that this time they are going to do it.
It must be a character flaw. Oh well I have a lot of flaws. I am overweight, smoke, have unreasonable standards for my students, love too much, get my feelings hurt too easily, and don't sleep enough.
But I try to be dependable, I mean I'd I wasn't dependable we would be in trouble. Like of I forget to do things it affects a whole other life and that isn't going to happen!
It amazing to me how people can completely disavow their own short comings and still try and make you feel guilty about their situation.
I try not to be judgmental but when someone tells you they are going to do something in sequential weeks and then in those weeks completely drop the ball. I find myself not believing them when they say that this time they are going to do it.
It must be a character flaw. Oh well I have a lot of flaws. I am overweight, smoke, have unreasonable standards for my students, love too much, get my feelings hurt too easily, and don't sleep enough.
But I try to be dependable, I mean I'd I wasn't dependable we would be in trouble. Like of I forget to do things it affects a whole other life and that isn't going to happen!
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