Birthday

Well I have made it another year. The facebook onslaught ensued with the eight million happy birthdays. The kids at school all told me happy birthday and I did have a pretty good day. It is good to know that even in some way you have connected with people.
The past couple of days have been busy and have worked out pretty well. I am frustrated with my inability to just say what I think when a certain someone tells me all of these things that they want. I am tired of being passive but can't make myself just fight. Then after when I am alone I go over the conversations and say what I would liked to say in my mind until my head spins. I am sure I am the only person who has had the argument they wish that they had in their mind after the real argument is over. If I am the only one don't tell me because I don't want to feel like a weirdo.
Well happy birthday to me and here's to 37 more wild and crazy years.

Crazy days

Today was one of the most futile and crazy endeavors of my adult life. (besides trying to potty train)
I am not going to go into details but, I learned a little more about human evolution and cultural differences between myself and others than before.
I am not being judgmental or, at least not trying to be, unfair to people. It just seems that what some people can convince themselves is normal, tolerable behavior would make me unmanageable.
Tolerance for crazy is something I don't possess the skill set to deal with at all. Chaos breeds chaos, Violence breeds violence, and stupid is as stupid does.
Like Forrest says, "life is like a box of chocolates. You never what you're going to get." However, what he doesn't tell you is that you might not know what you're going to get; but nearly everyone throws some of those chocolates out because they are awful.

Sunday

I miss my old life. My heart is broken and I am so full of hurt and I need to find a way to forgive and move on but, I can't seem to find the strength. I pray and pray. I put on a happy face for my strong little man. I take care of things, lots of things, everything by myself.
I tried to be a good husband and father and I was met with coldness and unconcern.
I am happy ,truly happy, when I am with my little boy. He is the kindest most caring child I have ever seen.
He keeps the pieces of my heart glued together in the midst of all of this logistical foolishness and adult brokenness.
I want to forgive her but damn I am going to need a minute!

February 11

Life is hard. I wonder often if I am doing enough, if I am doing the right thing, if I am doing the right thing cause I want to or if I am afraid not to, and just a million different things all at once.
The truth is sometimes I just want to run away but, my responsibilities keep here. I love my son, like my job most of the time, and generally have a pretty good life. I don't have enough money to stay afloat but, who does these days?
I wonder if if everyone feels like the walls are closing in sometimes or am I just thinking too hard. It seems to me that the only thing that makes sense to me anymore is being a dad.
I worry about my little boy and what this is doing to him but, I know that this is the right thing for both of us. Jesus it hurts though.  

Spoiled For a couple days

This weekend the little man and I spent a couple days with my mom and dad. We both were spoiled. The little fellow by getting whatever his little heart desired. It is hard to not give in because his little smile could create world peace.
I was also spoiled by having help. I forgot or rather have never known what it feels like to have that much help. It makes things so much easier that It made me realize what I was missing in doing this by myself.
I could be bitter about it or just move on with my life but I choose to do neither.
I plan on continuing down this path but I don't think I will ever have a day to day again and I am not sure I want one.

Aarrrgghh!!!!

It strikes me as weird and irritating that people can know what their flaws are, apologize for them, and then do they same thing while looking you directly in the face.
If you don't have the willingness to change don't say your sorry the first time.