What am I ?

What am I ? Who am ? What am I doing? How did I get here?

     I find myself asking these questions almost daily these days. My identity is loosely based on a couple things that are happening in my life. Single dad and band director seem to top the list these days but, I really don't know what I am to myself these days.

    I think we all probably struggle with our titles and how they match up to what we do now and then but, man this is weird!

     I find myself questioning myself while I am doing things that are more on the mother side of the coin in my mind. Saying things in my head like, " my dad never did this stuff," and making myself feel a way about doing what needs to be done. Is it strange that I feel strange about doing things like this or, pouring over websites to buy Christmas presents for my son? Why do I feel less manly when I am mopping the floor while my crust for my pie is baking in the oven? I am watching football at the same time just to be sure that I don't become too effeminate because if someone saw me I would feel uncomfortable.

     It might be that I grew up in such a traditional household and because of this I find myself saying to myself all the time, " what would mom do in this situation?" or, "what would dad do?"

     I spend most of my time trying to figure out things at the same time as actually doing it and, for a person who has always been tough and on top of things, it makes me feel frantic.

      The other thing that I think about are the titles that I have left behind in the recent past. Husband, Lover, and sometimes even friend are distant memories that I remember and wonder if ever will come back to me. Maintaining other titles also becomes something that needs to be worked on and nurtured as well. I am a friend, uncle, brother, and son as well and all these titles and relationships need work to maintain their health.  I struggle to find time and worry about the health of these relationships often.
   
      People tell me often about how I should go and find a "good woman" and go on and have a good life. Well the truth is I don't really  want or know how to be those things right now I would need to be to make anything like that happen. Women don't take men seriously who ask them out on a date and then share recipes, talk about the best kind of cleaner, or how if you take fabric softener mix it with water and put it in a spray bottle it makes a great febreeze alternative. I don't think women have it in their mind to marry a big burly Martha Stewart.

These are just some questions in my head now that it is completely over. My divorce is final, my son and I are on our own, and I have to remind myself to just be and it will work out.

Thanks for reading and much love.