Sunday August 26 2012

    This week was interesting to say the least. Little man and I went to grandma's like we were supposed to this week and she wasn't there to see him. This is infuriating beyond belief because she couldn't let me know that she wasn't going to be there and it had the potential of upsetting my man.
     Luckily he is easily diverted and it doesn't affect him now but, soon it will and that will be it for her and her ability to see him and be a part of deciding when. While we were there I found out that my ex-wife's uncle suddenly passed away. That somehow became the reason she couldn't come and see him. She had left her grandma's house hours earlier and didn't know that he passed until I called and told her once we were already at her grandma's. She just couldn't be there because she was so broke up in advance I guess.
    She asked if she could come and see Miles the next day once she could get herself under control, to which I said ok. So the next day we went to the library and to see the fountain after school and got home about six thirty or so. I called her and let her know we were home and she said she would be right over but, she also wanted to know if I would take her to her paternal grandmother's house. I said I would.
She finally showed up her to "see her son" at about 8:45. I took her to her grandmother's and she managed to visit her grandmother for about 4 minutes. The rest of the time she walked around the house doing god knows what.
    This craziness that she exhibits is becoming more erratic and not as easily taken by me. I am really tired of having to deal with her and try and keep some sort of a normal life. She is obviously only concerned with herself and uses her son for emotional manipulation and I refuse for it to happen. He doesn't deserve it and won't be a part of it. He is not a prop!
   I am a little more tired than usual this week but, c'est la vie.

    Another thing that happened this week was my mom being put in the hospital for chest pains. They let her go home the next day after some tests and we are supposed to go visit this upcoming weekend.
     I can't imagine if something were to happen to either one of my parents right now. I hate to make it about me but, that might be the thing that finally breaks me and sends me into crazy land with the rest of the people up here. Probably more likely I would completely shut the emotion factory down inside and just be productive and not human. Sometimes I feel like that is what I am doing most of the time anyway but, I think most people feel like that more than would like to or admit to.


 

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post and sorry and ecstatic to say that everything has been pretty much normal. Band camp was more challenge than I expected it to be both professionally and personally. Little man was supposed to stay with my parents the first week and then my parents were supposed to come up here and help with my house and stay here for the second week. Well my mom threw out her back and they had to bring my boy back and I was alone for the second week. I was terrified because of the long crazy hours and trying to find what to do with him during the evening hours, etc.... However, we did it without a hitch! It worked fine because I have some awesome friends and some really great band parents who really were there for me.
This made me realize more than ever that I can do this. I may get a little crazy and my patience gets tested because the little guy is a stubborn as his father and when he gets something in his head it won't leave until he is satisfied but, we are doing ok.
On the professional side; everything that I feared about not writing the show has come to pass. The parts are lame, he didn't get us one note during band camp,and I don't really care. I know that I should be up in arms and I should be angry and I tried to be but, I was reminded very quickly of my ranking in opinion and  process. Now I don't care if the drums learn the whole show before Christmas. I will teach it to them when it gets here, I will make it as good as I can, and I won't complain about it. I will not however retry and fix the problem when it comes up again, rewrite a single note, put one single once of my own creativity into it, or make chicken salad out of it at all. Also, frankly, I don't think I should be expected to either.

My personal life has taken a positive turn. WE have signed the prerequisite papers and it is now on its way to being officially done. Also I found out I have been approved for my loan modification. Two big steps on my way to a normal existence!! I have also started to try and become a semi vegetarian and quit drinking sodas. Another two big steps added on to my having not had a cigarette in two months. I am really proud of myself for all of these accomplishments both professionally and personally. They show a level of persistence I had lost and now I am starting to like have ing control again. So people better watch out. Passive is gone.

I guess it is time for my weekly post. This week has been productive but, a little weird without my little man. I hate it when he is not around and I hate myself for how easy it is and how I think about how hard it is going to be when he gets home.
I really hope this doesn't make me a bad dad and just a human being who is recognizing that his life is more or less complicated according to the situation. I also have reached a place where if people do think that it makes them feel like a bad person then whatever. My little brother has cemented that word as my least favorite in the entire english language. Its indifference just drives me crazy and infuriates me and he can use at the perfect time and the perfect way to completely make me crazy. Now I feel that way about a whole section of people and ideas.
I have come to a place in both my job and dealing some specific people where I just have a limit on what I will tolerate in both speech and actions. After that threshold is reached I am done both with the person and the situation. I still don't have the capacity to fight like others think I should or like I feel like I want to sometimes but I feel it coming and fast. When it does I hope I can control it. I guess that is the real fear. The fear that if I let it out, if I say how I feel, that I won't be able to hold the tiger by the tail and it will get out of hand.  
It scares the hell out of me. Way more than being by myself for the rest of my life with a little boy and mountains of debt. That is easy. Just love him with my whole heart, try harder than I think I can, and keep going, just keep going. So that is the plan right now.
Keep the mouth at bay and just keep going.

See you soon! Stay in front if you want to talk to me cause I'm not looking back any more!

July 14

This week has been ok. My little fellow got sick this week and subsequently got made me sick.
Band camp starts next week and I am ready to get started. It will present its challenges in logistics relating to my little fellow but nothing I don't think I won't be able to handle. I mean I have done it by myself to this point.
I am trying to set limits on what I am willing to communicate and do in regards to my ex instead of being less nice. People say I am top nice all the time and I have trouble with that. What I do feel is appropriate to set limits on mine and his exposure to her, communication with her, and what is acceptable behavior.
We both need a release from the drama and I will try to find a way to get it.

July 3, 2012

We have been back from vacation for awhile and last week was my first week of camp. Things went really well and I am very excited about the upcoming year. My buddy went to stay with my mom and dad the week of camp and it is amazing how much I missed him. It made me realize that I really don't have a lot of contact with other adults.
When we got back his mother came to see him and of course there was a big scene. She did ok paying attention to him and even tried to help out a little. Then she broke down about her life which is not going so well.
I do feel bad for her. She has no home to speak of, no car, her shop was shut down, and things aren't going very well. I do feel awful for her and I hope she can herself figured out.
It makes me fell awful because my life hasn't necessarily changed that much. It also makes me sad that it hasn't.
When we were together I got him up, took him to school, came home, made dinner, played with him, gave him a bath, put him to bed, and then went to bed alone while she sat up and read or played on her phone, or watched whatever, and then I got up and did it again. We really didn't have much contact with each other even though we lived in the same house. So now that I am by myself the only thing that is different is that I don't wake up next to anyone. Which is sad when I think about how I lived but also sad when I think about how different her life must be.
I am lonely but, not at the same time. It is weird; I am around people all the time but I don't really have anyone to talk to other than his blog. 
I think that some people are so used to not to making themselves thing it steps that they when things go so invariably wrong they can't think in terms of creating a list of getting put of it. 
I  am convinced that everything in life good and bad come from lists and steps, whether they are in our mind or written down, everything that is successful happens in some order. Even in trying to start my new life I am having to create lists and orders to try and get out of this hole I am drowning financially. 
I will follow the steps and finally get on the right side of things. 

Vacation

Well we on our way home from vacation. I went with my parent and my little boy to Orlando. It was interesting and a good time.
It has been along time since I have been a part of the whole riding in the car with my folks for a long time and while I am used to driving here there and yonder with my little guy. I am also used to riding on a bus for hours and hours with my job. This is completely different than both of those.
I am completely grateful for my parents to give me an opportunity to go with my little man to places I can't at this point afford to take him. I appreciate all the meals, gas , and accommodations.
These things are currently out of my reach financially but hopefully not for long.
We are on our way back now and I sincerely hope we all make it back in one piece.

Ideas about family

      I was talking to my mom today about family things and I realized that we have two completely different ideas about family and it makes me wonder about my perception of family and what the little guy's will be.
    
     Both my parents grew up very close to their extended families and saw them regularly. They both had significantly different experiences which is really neat but, the same in they saw them regularly.

    My brother and myself did not. Because of my parent's work situations we moved a lot when I was younger. I wouldn't change that for the world. I got to see so many places, learn to adapt to new situations, and learn to be close to my immediate family more than most people I know.
     
     I still care about my extended family but, we don't really share any experiences but a few and when we do get together it always seems to get back to them. People who want to share something common that don't really have anything in common. So we end up talking about one trip to the beach when we were fourteen and we got scared because we thought we were stuck on boogie boards. This is the only common life experience we have and I think that is alright. It just makes us different.

     So we end up being more family acquaintances and I think that is alright. My mom thinks this is the craziest thing ever because she has such an attachment to the people and the places that this is her family. She can look at the town and have memories, she can look at the house and have memories, she can think of the people and have memories, I can't. She can also feel a deep sense of connection with her siblings children and why wouldn't she. I feel an instant love for my niece and nephew and we don't live close to each other but they are my little brother's kids and he is my family. We have history and experiences that no other two people have on this earth that bind us and to me that is family.

I grew knowing that family is important and I still think it is. I would do anything in my power for any member of family even the distant ones I don't have any connection with other than name or blood relation.

I also grew up knowing that my family consisted of myself, my brother, my mother and my father and we were our family. We depended on each other and we went through most things both good and bad together.

This makes me wonder how my little boy will feel about family. Whatever it is I hope he knows it is important.  I also he has a strong relationship with his grandparents and his uncle, aunt, and their kids but, I will understand if he sometimes doesn't relate or feels a little out of place because I have definitely been there.