100 mph with towards a brick wall

      That title basically illustrates the way I have been feeling as of late between all of the things and people running around in my life I feel like I am on a constant tilt-a-whirl. .

    I have a problem that I can't seem to change and if I don't it will kill me and that is my constant worry for others and the way they feel about everything. Institutions mean a great deal to me to a fault. Respect of titles and relationships outweigh common sense to it is unbearable and I explode. Then I am perceived as the belligerent, or crazy one, because I finally let it out after being disrespected or placated for a period of time.
   
     It is a trait that had been instilled in me from an early age. I think and worry about things that others seems to not care about at all. This isn't my parents "fault" but more an awesome and helpful lesson that I have oversimplified because I am a wimp too often. Then when I do share my opinion I am, "too passionate about it."
     This contradiction as plagued me forever and there doesn't seem to be a clear end in sight.

There is way more to report about my life but, I need to wait a couple more days before I let everyone in on the bug changes.

Take Care

Things have been good, different, but good

It is hard to believe it has been almost a month since I have written anything. Things have been crazy as usual but, mostly having to do with scheduling and trying to create a new life for my son and I. 

The  past few weeks have seen my son turn five, the end of the school year, two trips home to MJ, new connections with old friends, some new friends, smiles, laughs, and more than a few tears. 

One of the biggest struggles of the last few weeks has been with my son. Not necessarily in dealing with him but, his relationships with his mother, her family, and more importantly other kids. 

I am trying to figure out our place in the world and how much slack to give him when i am around. 

I think of the world as a giant playground which bothers me greatly.  I think most people think of it as a release of their parenting duties, which in my opinion is the opposite of its intention. 

Instead of creating a nurturing environment for play and social interaction it becomes a sub culture of meanness where at an early age they learn cliques, hateful speech, and that to get what you want you have to take it. Pretty much everything that in my opinion that keeps the world in a limbo of sameness and stupidity. 

I want my son to be able to make it in this world but, I don't want him to be cynical or mean as a youngster. 

I have also made a decision to sell this house, or die trying, because everything square inch is comfortable and reminds me of a life gone and that should be forgotten. I will never move on with my life as long as the only thing different in my life is that she doesn't live here. I feel like the past year has been a dream and any moment I will wake up and everything will be ok and back to normal.

I have to change my everything to realize my everything has changed. 

Also I have to get away from crazy people who's idea of family is to create drama and then save each other from the drama they created to show that they care. As an example they called to see if they could take my son to get his hair cut. I responded that I was planning to get it cut the following day so they said they wouldn't take him. 

The next day he shows up at home with his hair cut by them and butchered! It was also the week before his birthday party. 

It was thankfully fixable and the crisis was averted but, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT!!!

  

Crazy Town might be Hotel California.

I have been a part of some crazy shenanigans in the past year or so dealing with my ex-wife and her family but, the past week and a half has presented itself with challenges that I didn't think I would ever have to deal with or even be presented with.

My interactions with her family have been constant and while they present themselves as caring for me and being empathetic to my situation I am completely certain that they are interested in being helpful to the point that it makes sure they will be able to see my son. I mean they tried to get custody of him when we were were first split ! That went well for them. I understand this and use this to my advantage as best I can. It helps with some of my household chores and things around the house but, mostly it is just giving me a day a week to take care of the things I need to take of in my life.

That being said my son is happy and healthy and we are doing great. We have our struggles like any family but, we are moving forward and choosing to move forward. That is a lesson I have learned from a new old friend. She is one of the most positive people I have ever met.

Which, brings my next calamity moment of the past week.

I was the victim of a cruel and vicious joke when I was in high school. I was elected class president my senior year. I was unaware that this would mean that, much like some forlorn character in a movie, I was now indentured to my class for the rest of my life.

With this dubious honor comes the task of reunions apparently. Long story short, I have been working on this reunion thing for a little over four months now. I finally got what I thought was the ball rolling pretty effeciently from five hours away.

HOWEVER, in a matte of minutes I was informed by one group that I was doing nothing and that I should , butt out, and by a whole other hostile group that I was trying to do it all by myself and wouldn't listen to anyone. This literally happened within minutes of each other,

So I quit and I have been happy for it.

it seems to me like my life is a series of events in a circle. I can try and be reasonable and it doesn't work. I set my limits and try to make my life normal and it eventually is turned back into a carnival ride. I hate the song Hotel California but, I sure as hell understand it now.

take care and watch out for bird poop. (one of my all time fears is to be pooped on by a bird)

Catching up

It has been a couple of weeks and frankly I haven't just had time to get to writing this thing. Sorry.

I sure have needed this little fountain of whine where I can say almost all the things I would like to say.

Things have been busy to say the least. I haven't really had much negative happen other than a few situations that I would like to share. 

The boy got sick

He found out that the ex is having a child

Constant communication with my ex-inlaws. Which is exhausting.

Work has just been weird.

Most of them were easy to handle. When your kid is sick, you take them to the doctor and try to make them feel better. Simple. 

It was not even that hard to talk to him about the ex having a baby. He doesn't think about relationships and their complications. Man I him envy him on that one. 

His thought process is - He loves his mommy. Mommy is having a baby. I am a brother. Done. 

I wish I could feel that simply about any relationship. It seems relationships are increasingly hard for me because of my being burned so badly. From work to old friends, I find myself thinking about the angles more than the statements or actions. I have been around people who manipulate for so long that people who don't really want anything but friendship seem to be non existent  Every one seems to have an angle, including me sometimes. It is all so confusing and frankly sad that it has come to that but life goes on. 

I feel like my life is getting to make a sharp turn. I have been taking little steps to financial, physical, and mental well being for the past year. Now I feel like in the next couple of months so dramatic changes are going to take place and I am more than ready to rock this boat as hard as it will without capsizing and removing all the progress I have made.

Oh well just some thoughts to catch up on. I am sure I will have more to say later in the week. 

Be good.   

The Games that People Play

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It seems to me that codependency is running rampant with people that I know and my elf included. My son can't and won't handle being out of reach, sight, or voice for more than about forty five seconds.

I am such a mess I talk myself out of doing things because they are things I should do with so and so or whatever lame excuse I can come up with for not doing it.

I think this is becoming more and more common because people are scared. There is an air about everything that makes it seem like we are on the verge of being desperate, hungry, homeless, or a host of awful things. We are fed everywhere turn that things aren't going well. Shown the awful maniacs of the world and generally kept to believe the whole world is teetering on a needle at the top of Mount Everest and any minute it will all be over as our society plunges into chaos.

Maybe that is the way things are and maybe it isn't I don't really know. The thing I do know and  am trying out now is just not caring either way.

I was presented a situation this year that completely changed my outlook. It taught me so much about the image I had created of myself, the image of others not close to me, and the image of those close to me. It sharpened all of these images into crystalline focus and changed my behaviors to these various things possibly forever.

I also learned that if you indulge people with what they tell you they want both of you will realize quickly that people generally don't want what they say. They want some conglomeration of what they think they deserve, what they think you want to give, and those seldom resemble what they say.

This post may seem negative but, it is really positive for me. I have learned so much about relationships, success, failure, acceptance, integrity, perseverance, and perceptions in both my personal and professional lives this year. I am grateful and ready to approach the rest of my life in both avenues with new sense of vigor and direction. The directions and limitations will now based on what I actually want as I was the chief codependent delusional client in all my interactions.

Falling and Flailing

It is funny about this small attempt by me to publicly track my own thoughts. I have shared the fall, the flail, failure, the rebuild, and the routine and through it all I have left something out that's important for me to get out there. I am scared of the future and I think all the time that I would like the security of my old life.

Now let's be clear. I was treated poorly and my son was treated poorly. I recognize that fact and I wouldn't want to let that happen again. Somehow I feel about my marriage like most of do about high school. If I would have known then what I know now things would have been different. Would they?

It makes wonder weird things and create awful analogies to figure it out. My latest is comparing it to the fall of Rome. I wonder, "how long before they didn't miss the old days?" or " how long did it take them to forget the awful and romanticize the thought of what it was." I know my little life is not as epic as Rome, but please allow me my delusions of grandeur. It is my blog and I'll dance if I want to.

My son has entered a couple new phases that make me giggle. He loves to announce to me that he will be mad at me, he will whine, and that he doesn't like me right now. I guess mean old daddy better think twice now before he makes him brush his teeth!

The other I don't like so much. He says things like,  I will bop you in the head, I will ninja you in the leg, and so on. He promptly backs away from these with a simple , EXCUSE ME? Then he says " I'm Sorry. I love you Daddy," immediately which makes it hard for me to not giggle.

Parenting definitely has it's challenges but, no one told me the hardest one would be to not laugh or smile at how cute he is when he does something wrong and comes to tell me.

I do however think about the good old days often. Everyone likes to acknowledge all things that were wrong with my old life. I would like to acknowledge that we did love each other, we laughed all the time, and at one time were each others best friends. It is unfortunate those things couldn't out weigh the things that were so wrong.

Rome fell, it has been patched up and is ready to begin again. Kind of

The Audacity

The things that others feel comfortable in asking or saying to people astounds me on a daily basis. I remember a show with Bill Cosby called, " Kids say the Darndest Things," and it was really funny because they didn't know any better and they were completely innocent.

At some point that should not be acceptable and it is just everywhere. I teach high school and believe wen I tell you they have no filter for what is appropriate and generally they are still pretty innocent in their asking. They just want to know something about you or their peers and they don't think about it embarrassing you to answer or even hear the question.

Adult are getting worse at this by the minute. A couple of weeks ago I told the story about getting caught kissing in the car and my dad's advice which I use to this day was, "discretion is the better form of valor." I am sure it is not his quote but, he is my dad and so I will forever believe it came from him. This week I have been blown away by the lack of thought by a certain someone and just others that I know.

On another note, being single at my age is hard and confusing. I find myself looking at left fingers and being more awkward than my normally awkward self trying to figure things out and announcing to new acquaintances that I am single dad which makes me seem like a sympathy grabber or something. It is all too Confusing!

My little guy is doing great though. I have been trying to immerse him in as many activities as I can and especially at school. We have established a sense of normalcy in our lives without her and it is ok. He does talk more about her now and ask questions which i am not good at answering and has even been defensive a couple of times announcing that he in fact does have a mommy. That breaks my heart every time. I wish he did have a mommy. I will try my best to keep it so he knows that he has a mommy and not know the truth about the situation. He doesn't deserve that. he has been through enough already.

So let' s  keep moving towards an awesome life and remember to use those brain filters to your mouth!

Peace and Brussel Sprouts