This old dog is trying to learn some new tricks.

 Reflection and feedback are the keys to growth, but as I found in my time in the educational world criticism is usually what people view as direct feedback. Don't get me wrong I'm not suggesting that all feedback should be positive. What I am suggesting that behaviors that are critiqued should be related to  the behavior and not the person.  This is a fundamental tenet of restorative practice for student discipline and should be an integral product of all feedback. 

It appears to me that in the world of adults this is sorely lacking in the work place. Back channel gossip, grumbling, and ultimately disgruntled managers and employees are the result of people being able to disassociate behaviors from the person. Far too often this results in what we classify as, "poor communication," and leads to dysfunctional teams, lack of results, and retention issues. There are no shortage of books and research on the culture of teams, but I have yet to see one make this connection. 

Separating the person from the actions, behaviors, or work products allows the room for growth. It allows people to view how they relate to a team and more importantly how their actions affect their results and the results of the team. Talking about how things make us feel is fine, but does it address the issue? To say, " When you do this, it makes me feel            ," only associates work with feeling and eliminates the ability to disconnect the person from the action. It is a winner take all scenario. The only options are to either continue the behavior and damage the relationship, or stop the behavior to satisfy the feelings.

Relationships are the key to success in a work culture, that is undeniable. What if we surrounded our work culture in talking about the work? What if we could say instead, "when you do this, it makes us feel        , because effects this process?" This gives the person receiving the feedback a connection to the work. It avoids the winner take all approach to feelings and provides a path forward for increasing productivity, or any other work process. 

I am trying this these days and I will completely acknowledge that it is hard. To be able to address things that make me crazy by directly associating it with the work forces me to investigate whether there is actually anything negative happening, or if it my insecurity, idiosyncrasies, or other items. It has produced some interesting results as well because it is not typical. 

We shall see how it turns out. Time will tell

Making it work - Update

      It has been more than a year since I have typed anything in this blog. This was my tool for therapy when my life was in turmoil and I needed some way to step out of myself and examine it from outside the situation.

Since I have moved here and restarted my life I have learned one thing, make it work. When I first moved here I spent the first part of my time turning around in circles looking for things to grab on to to feel stable and give myself direction. At first, I focused on old relationships and spent large amounts of my time reaching out to them to try and rekindle friendships that I cherish but, haven't nurtured or kept going for a long time. I found out rather quickly that while I got along with those old friends, and we could reminisce with the best of them, we all had different lives now and were living and operating in separate circles. These friendships were based on memories of who we were instead  of having the structure and stability of who we are.

Then I turned to my work. Work has always been something in which I could bury myself. The minutia of the tasks would mean I didn't have to acknowledge the rest of my life with any real investment. I could do all the things, make dinner, hug, bathe, but, it was part of the work. It was just my second job. My only investment was in keeping moving and making things continue to happen in a quasi-normal existence. When I moved here it allowed me the luxury of starting all over in a work capacity and made it easy for me to have something else to devote my time into other than my thoughts and feelings as a person.

This was all I knew until - I changed my perspective, or, I might say opened my heart and met the most amazing kids.

These kids taught me real perseverance, poverty, and acceptance when I moved here and it stirred inside me a new feeling which I hope to foster and grow for the rest of my life. This feeling led me to get involved. Something I was never interested in before. I went back to church. I tried really hard at understanding kids and how they felt and what they were going through. I learned that growth can happen at any age and is devoid of anything but the desire to try harder and do something, anything.

I also learned to relieve myself from things like - drama. I noticed the modus operandi of people who were like toddlers wailing and crying into their hands only to look up and see if anyone was noticing before they continued. I noticed that some people have a deep need to create something that they need to be saved from, or, to save someone else. - My whole first marriage was because of this so I am as guilty as anyone else.

Now, I am having the time of my life supporting teachers in their pursuits to help these amazing kids. My son is doing amazing and makes my heart shine with pride everyday because of his kindness, curiosity, and unwavering optimism. I am now in a loving relationship with an amazing woman who wants to be my partner, hold me close, and still be as strong as anyone I know.

All of this because I met some refugee kids and taught them some music. They taught me so much more and I am forever grateful. I know now that God has a plan for me and as long as I don't give up and I keep going he will get me where I need to be.

It has been a long time. A lot has happened.

 So like the title says - "It has been a long time."  Since I last posted to this blog I have met a wonderful woman, married, changed jobs three times, and moved halfway across the country. I have also become a step father to a little man. 

All of these things present their own challenges in different ways.  Through all this change and perpetual movement forward in life I have learned so much, made mistakes, and ultimately developed a new philosophy on life and my place in it. 

When I last used this virtual chronicle of my thoughts and feelings I was living in the midst of confusion and mending from a past that proposed to scar my heart and thoughts to the future. I was clamoring to be a dad and learn a whole new life path in a new city. While the option to close up shop on matters of the heart and devote all my energy into the raising of the boy, a simple camping trip completely turned my life into a roller coaster filled with emotions new and old all while slowly developing me into a happy fool willing to take on new adventures. It turns out that dancing in the kitchen can mend a hearts deepest wounds and teach us that the simplest of eases can be welcomed when not previously experienced. 

This development of my new family and finding comfort in discomfort has helped me in so many ways. In education we use the phrase purposeful struggle as a discussion point to make students work towards solving problems. It turns out life itself is a purposeful struggle and to be open to allowing yourself to experience new things, fail, try again, fail again, and develop new strategies to solve the same old problems can really be fun, frustrating, and so rewarding it will make your heart want to burst with love and gratitude for the opportunity. 

Trying to Process

It has been almost 24 hours since I got the call that one of my friends from college had passed. This was a total shock to me and I have spent the day trying to process the information and in typical fashion I chose to put it down on "paper" so I could think it out and help myself understand what I am thinking and hopefully allow me to at least feel something about the situation.

Tony was an indomitable spirit from the first time I met him when he was still in high school. At first I didn't like him at all. I know the laws of kindness say I am not supposed to say that but, it is true and there it is. Tony was the polar opposite of myself, you see I took myself too seriously even then. He was always in the moment and it seemed he never took anything seriously. This made me CRAZY! In truth I was always a little jealous of him. His ability to turn anything into a joke, a good time, and he was never short on his witty retorts to anything. I wished that I could be that way, but, only when I wanted to which doesn't work at all.

After a time he and I became good friends and we spent a significant amount of time in each other's company. He would still make me absolutely crazy to the point of me wanting to "Nelson" shake him and at the same time he could always make me crack and smile because his joy never let up. We could also find the most fun in the silliest of endeavors. I remember once we rented the Madden football game and played it for 24 hours straight just trying to see how many awful, catastrophic collisions we could make happen. No score, competition, or even full games - just " Ok this time when you run jump into me and I will hit you from the left " - for 24 hours! I will remember it forever.

His death, this thing that has happened, has shaken me to the core. He is the first one of my close friends to pass away. I have been exposed to death. I have lost students, grandparents, aunts, and uncles but, this is different. It is the first sign that the immortality of youth is over. Life can touch us and our memories and make it hurt, really hurt, and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. Life has dictated that we have all chosen different paths and we have moved down those paths with different speeds and trials. The minutia of the ever-present has caused us to look back fondly but not take action in reaching out to make sure that the connection is still alive and working. This is a shame and I am going to make a concerted effort to at least keep in contact with those I care about more frequently.

I wish I could say I am going to miss Tony, but, I am not going to miss him. With all of the miles between us and the time that has past most of my connection with him is in memory of us and what we were and who we all were. This "band of brothers" that spent a brief time as everything to each other. We were colleagues, a support group, room mates, friends, and we took care of each other. SO, I won't miss Tony. I will forever hold him in in my mind as the guy who was always there with a smile, who would be silly when he shouldn't and didn't care, who could show real compassion, and who could make you forget to take it so seriously, if only for a moment.

Rest my friend, and know that I will forever think of you and smile.


Love Always,

JABBA

Worrying

     It has been a long time since I have made my self sit down and type out a blog post. This used to be my cathartic way of rationalizing my crazy life without completely going crazy and running with scissors or some other destructive behavior.

I thought that was all behind me ..... well not so much.

     It is true that my daily dose of drama has substantially subsided since moving away and I no longer have to deal with people consumed with the need to create catastrophes in order to be saved form them by someone else. It sounds as crazy as it is and it continues still today with the same crowd. The only difference is I don't have to subscribe to the pay per view or, be a participant. I can just pretend it doesn't exist like professional wrestling. It happens, I know it happens, I hear about it happening, I know the people involved, and even with all of that knowledge I couldn't care less.

    My new neurosis is worry. I worry about being lonely because I am lonely. I worry about my health because I am fat. I worry about my son. I worry about my job. I worry about what to do next with my life. I worry.

All that being said, I am not currently doing anything to remedy any of these situations in any real or focused way. I clamor around to put out whatever fire is in front of me at the time and then stand stock still until I smell or see the next flames. It is exactly like the feeling you get when you look at your to do list and it is so long that you say, "screw it. " and go drink a margarita at 2:30pm on a Wednesday afternoon for no reason.

This "worry" has become a constant in my life and I am on a mission to fix it. I'm not sure how (even though I am sure a multitude of well meaning people would be more than willing to tell me how immediately causing my natural defiance mechanism which in turn means I will automatically not do that whatever "it" is) but, I am going to try and figure some way to tackle this beast.

I have to.

I made it out of hell. I can make it out of limbo too....

Why I do what I do.

I had a fried post online a question that totally rocked me the other day. A simple question that I haven't thought about in so long that it startled me.

Why do you do what you do? What makes you tick?

This got me thinking in a million different directions at once about

•  my personal life
•  my professional life
•  my relationships with students  

Naturally because of the relationship with my friend and the things we do there are the cliched responses but, I decided to really think about what made me tick professionally. Here's what I came up with.

Being part of something bigger than yourself.
I want to teach students that being a part of something bigger than yourself is rewarding and requires sacrifice. That the feeling of being able to look to your left and the right and the people may not be the best but they are giving everything they have not only for themselves but for you and the group. 

Music has power.
   Real power. It can do anything from put a baby to sleep to create a national movement. It reaches the very part of us that is in constant touch with who we are in our most real selves. 

That music is one of the few things in this world that is fair.
     It is one of the few places where the work is essential and it doesn't matter if you are black, white, blue, rich, poor, fat, skinny, or whatever your can succeed at some level if you are willing to put in the work. 

The music theory of relativity. 
     One of the most appealing things to me about music is that in a performance or a class time is irrelevant. While you are playing, if you are doing it right, it is truly a vacation from the world. The only thing that matters is the present. There are no power bills, no high stakes testing, or anything but the investment in the  the performance, and your relationship with the other performers.

These are things that make me tick and my vehicles for doing what I feel is a real service to the world. Lots of things teach you to work hard. Lots of things can teach you responsibility, higher order thinking and all the other selling points people like to use. Music has intrinsic value and we should celebrate its value not make it fit into slogans and talking points.

When I am gone I hope for just a few things. That I was a good father, friend, that my students knew I loved them, and that for one shining moment I was able to be a part of their lives and teach them about the greatest thing I know - music.

Be. Here. Now.

A couple of things have happened in the past couple of weeks that have me thinking and reassessing some of my habits. 

The first was a trip to the Discovery Science Center and the second was an Easter egg hunt at church.

Both things are super fun and a great way for my son and I to spend time together. 

When we got to the science center my boy ran over to the first station and proceeded to start having fun and doing exactly what we were there to do. HAVE FUN. I however, did the thing that has become entirely too familiar. I whipped out my phone, made my son pose, and tried to get him wrangled in to take his picture so that I could share with my "friends" how MUCH fun we were having. I did this a couple of times throughout the place and the day as I had done a million times before. 

I posted the pics and periodically marveled at how many "likes" and "comments" were made about the super fun times we were having. This is a  thing that has become too typical in my life and outings with the undisputed most important thing in my life. 

The next event however, changed my whole perspective hopefully forever. 

We arrived at the egg hunt, helped out a little, got in line for our picture with the bunny, did some crafts, and waited for the big event all the other families. My boy was playing in the floor with a hot wheel the bunny just gave him  like it was both indestructible and made of gold at the same time. 

To watch a boy play with a hot wheel is a beautiful thing. So much joy, and imagination in how they play. They fly, fight, go underwater, become life saving crews and armed forces vehicles in seconds. All with a seamless transition that all the others understand and accept like I accept that air conditioners make air cold.  I don't know how and don't care. They make air cold and I am thankful for it. 

Anyway, I digress. Back to the task. 

I noticed a familiar behavior from all the adults in the room. It was the same behavior I had done a million times and had done the same just day before at the science center. They were all manufacturing fun and living this moment through a view finder. They weren't present. They were hours or minutes ahead of themselves and already sharing magical moments and memories without having any.

When I was a kid my parents had a camera and we took pictures but, there was a magical substance which made those pictures limited and precious. FILM. It was expensive to take a million pictures and even more expensive to get them developed. So pictures were precious commodities for only the most special occasions. I am thankful for this now. 

Now pictures aren't special. My son will have his whole life chronicled digitally, and stored, not in shoe boxes where he can find them and go through them when I pass, but on a digital cloud. 

Our lives have become too shared, liked, notified, and checked in. We share our dinners, who we are with, where we are every minute of the day, and how we are feeling about everything. Nothing is precious and / or special any longer. 

Well not for this guy any longer! 

I am going to try and be here now. BE. HERE. NOW. 

Oh and by the way, make sure to like and share this on Facebook, Twitter, Google +, and anything else you can think of.  Insert clever emoticon here! 

 

Letting Go

It is hard to believe that it has been a month since my last attempt at writing in this blog. I guess writing something everyday is out the window. Like they say, " If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans."

It has been one of he busiest and crazy months I can ever remember.. From the indoor drumline thing and trying desperately to manage it and make it at least presentable to trying to keep up with my homework it has proven to be stretching me in a way that I haven't been used to for a long time. I am having to learn to let go of things that aren't productive to me or necessary.

Letting go has proven to be the hardest thing I have had to learn in this new life adventure. I started the school year paying as much attention to my old life as my new one to the point where it felt like I was doing a camp or residence here and I would be going back to everything as normal soon. Until recently I just couldn't make myself quit thinking about my old life and finding ways that this new life didn't measure up. I did this while remaining super positive about things here to keep up appearances of being involved and working hard but, I was still involved with the other side mentally.

As time has kept on moving on though I have seen things for what they are now and they are ok.
Are they what I am used to? NO.
Are they necessarily they way I want them to be? NO.
Is my caring and interest in my old life reciprocated? NO.

In the past few weeks I have learned so much about people and my new environment. It has cause me to be more in the moment than ever before and to take real ownership on something like never before. No insecurity involved. I have had to answer these questions daily to make myself think about now and where I am going.

Can this be as good or better than before? YES
Is my life full of new experiences that are growing me as a teacher, father, and person? YES
Can I visualize the steps that I nee to take to create what I want from life now? YES
Am I happy? Mostly

This new mindset is helping propel me forward in a new way and is changing my relationships and life in a way I never thought imaginable. I am creating new and positive relationships with new people in my work environment, I am spending more time doing things I like to do, I am caring about the future in a new way and it is really fun again. I am having fun again.

I have a long way to go but, now I know when I get there I will be smiling. I couldn't have said that not too long ago.

Thanks for reading.

Why so serious?

It is funny how literal kids can take things. The simplest turn of phrase can lead to several minutes of explaining and questioning. 

Tonight we went to eat chinese, which is a weekly occurence. On the way home there were several police cars blocking the road about 100 yards from our entrance. Apparently there was large sheet of ice and there had already been several accidents so they were closing it off until a salt truck could get on site. 

I looked over my shoulder and told the boy that we were going to have to turn around and take the long way home. I apparently said that we were driving to the moon, we were never going see anyone we love again and all his toys would be given to orphans. There was an outcry, wailing and gnashing of teeth, and much dismay about this. 

The long way? How long? How much farther? How are we going to get home?

That quickly turned to dismay about the ice on the road.

How will we be able to get out? If there is ice will I be able to go to school? (nice try)

It really does amaze me how far this little guy has come and what he has overcome already in his short time. He is strong, unflappable (except when it comes to his spelling words), and has an amazing disposition. 

Also watch out! The boogie man has put black ice on all the roads home. 

 

Relationships are Amazing

It has been a month since I have sat down and forced myself to participate in this blog again. 

I have received only positive feedback from people about it but, the actual sitting down and composing these little pieces of ill conceived dribble really are hard for me to compose. They are personal snippets of my thoughts that are composed with both the truth and the consideration that others are reading. Anyway , I digress. 

I have learned somethings about myself this month. I have learned somethings about relationships this month. I have felt empowered, beaten, resurrected, and loved all in one month. It has been a journey unlike any other that I have felt since starting this cheapskate's version of therapy with a twist of ego. 

I like the fact that people read these and say they like them. So sue me. 

The first thing I have learned is that I am actually ok with setting limits within a personal relationship and ending that relationship when those limits are violated. This is a new thing for me as I was the absolute king of passive aggessive behavior to a fault. There should have been a case sutdy done on my over extending myself, and agreeing to everything while being disgruntled, embittered, and just down right angry about doing things that I had agreed to do or said were good ideas. In fact I think this trait was the single most to blame in the failure of my marriage, the struggles of my boy, and my financial abyss. 

So for me to tell someone on a personal level that the were asking too much and that I wasn't comfortable was a huge milestone. 

The next thing that came however, was the beating and it nearly got me. 

In my professional career I have always been driven and I have always been able to forge quick and solid relationships with students. It came easy to talk to kids and get them on my side and have them be a part of my vision for what we were doing. This time however, I was met with a set of circumstances that completely tested those skills and shook me to my core beliefs as a professional. I said the word flounder out loud. It caused me to ignore who I am, who I was, and where I want to go. 

It was just an awful feeling that I won't let happen again if I can help it. 

So I took a minute, asked some advice, shook off some cobwebs, stood up and decided I would be damned if I was going down without a fight. I used to say, " I am the master at working around my circumstances," well now it is time to prove it. I am happy to say things are going much better now. I am learnig to manipulate my environment again, how to be a different teacher with a differrent vision and (with some time) achieve a new and different set of goals. I am on my way to new things and not trying ro recreate old things in a new place. 

Last, I went to wedding this weekend. To be truthful, I considered not going. I was tired, it was a long drive, and I didn't want to leave the boy for the weekend. I am thankful for some advice that told me to go and be a good friend. I got up early and drove the five hours to the wedding still wondering if I it was the right call. The answer came quick. When I pulled up they were standing outside but I managed somehow to go by unseen. When I approached the church I finally saw my buddy satnding there all dressed up for his big day. He ran up and hugged me and we both started crying to the point that the preacher came out to see if everything was ok. The amount of sincere friendship and love I felt in that moment filled my heart to the point of bursting. I was so happy for him, to see him, and to just be buddies again for a day.

 I also spent the day and into the night sitting and talking to our old friends. It was like a cheesy reunion movie but with sincerity, kindness, mischief, and more laughs than I can remember. We of course talked about some " old times" but mostly we just talked about now. 

What was amazing is that we haven't seen each other in so long but, we didn't need to catch up. The time we were apart was nonexistent. Almost like we were asleep and just woke up. It was instant family, comfort, and caring. 

It has been one hell of a month. I am sorry for the length of my ramblings but, in the end remember this  cheapskate is just trying to sort it all out. 

Happy New Year

I started to write this on Christmas Eve and I am finishing after the New Year has started. 

For some I feel like I need to add a timeline to these posts. To me it s like telling a priest how long it has been since your last confession. It gives context and at the same time allows me to put things in order mentally which is the whole reason that this blog exists for me.

This year has been full of new adventures, growing pains, and learning lots of new things. This Christmas has been full of new things as well. New surroundings and traditions make everything new and a little different. I do know that after this Christmas I am going to do somethings different next Christmas to make it a little less hectic and more enjoyable for both myself and the boy. Trying to be in two places at once never works and only makes things more stressed. 

At this point, last year has come to a close and the new year is upon us. Everyone seems to feel nostalgic and looking towards the future. Resolutions abound from everyone, even resolutions to not make resolutions for the defiant ones. We all need the defiant ones who refuse to watch the hip new show, know what is popular, or just generally be righteous in there ability to remain unaware of society in some way. 

I have spent a good bit of time this past week thinking about this past year and creating some ideas about ways to make my new year better. I just read an article about how systems and not goals actually make us do better at things. So I resolve to create some better behaviors for the new year. I am not going to set the end goals. Here are the things I am going to try and figure out how to do. 

1) I am going to do more exercising. Half marathons are hipper than starbucks right now and everyone wants to run in color, mudder toughly, or something else. I just want to feel a little better.

2) Write everyday. I am not going to try and write a book but, I am going to spend more time writing about something everyday if even for a little bit. Then if it makes sense try and make something like a book out of it. 

3) Be more organized with my time. Man can I waste some damn time, epsecially on the internet!

4) Laugh. I am not going to take myself, my job, my relationships, money, or anything too seriously. I used to do this as a habit, especially at work, and it makes no difference in the end. Good work is good work and making it something it isn't only makes you lose perspective of the actual size of the world. 

I said once that I think life is a compilation of what we think we deserve, what we will tolerate, and how we view ourselves. That doesn't mean that that can't change at a moment's notice. 

I know that everyone has read a million things like this. To paraphrase one of my favorite movies. This blog is mine. I can not blog without my blog and my blog can't blog without me. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Today is a new day

It is the week of Thanksgiving and like most people I have been thinking of things I am thankful to have in my life.

We have all seen the Facebook daily reminders, which I think are great, but I not interested in sharing the specifics of why I am thankful or for what I am thankful. This leads, in my opinion, to the people feeling responsible to post the same old responses.

Well what if I am truly thankful for chile rellenos? Is that silly? If I told you romantic back story about how we went to have them the night before my son was born because a nurse told us that he was on his way and we should go have a good meal and pack the car to which we both immediately wanted Mexican food.

Would it make more sense and be less silly?

I am of course thankful for the things that make my life worth living. My family, my son, my relative good health and the good health of those I care about, etc...

I am also thankful for thing others would think are silly. Like people reading these posts and telling me they read them. It makes my feeling feel valid.

I am also very thankful that some things are gone from my life and are hopefully to never return.

So I want everyone know that I am thankful for all the people who have given me any support and have guided my life to where I am now. Good or Bad I have been guided by people, events, and the silliest of things have led me to this place.

Happy Thanksgiving and I hope that it is happy, thankful, and restful for everyone.

An old post I forgot to publish

This week has taught me many things about me, my relationships, my work, and my life in general.

The first thing it has taught me about myself is that I am starting to feel more like myself. I am still scared, insecure, most importantly lonely but, I am starting to figure out that I am all those things so I can start to work on them. I am going to start making  lists and checking them off for things I can change to help in all of these areas. 

My relationships are hard to work on and / or define. I have my family relationships, my friend relationships, and my work relationships. The thing is because of my past work experience almost all of  my friend and work relationships are so intertwined that they are almost impossible to separate. I left where I was to have more time with my son however and I have had so much more time with him that I am really grateful. However, when I actually want to do anything with other adults they are all with their families because they don't have band stuff that weekend or, at band stuff. It makes a social life somewhat challenging. This is yet another area that I am going to have figure out how to move forward. 

My work is the biggest change of them all. The kids are different, the expectations different, just everything is different. I am having to figure out how to approach my position. The high school portion is fine . I understand it. I am trying to take kids give them skills, make them good at those skillls, perform with those skills, add more skills and repeat. Basicall what I have always done. Just in some ways starting over. It is fun and a new challenge and I think I needed it. 

Now the middle school is a different story. It is everything new. Paperwork, Langauge objectives for drum class, it is an exploratory so I only see them for nine weeks and then get a new group. It is truly a challenge to figure out. I will though and I am determined to figure it out. I can teach a paper bag to play a drum if you give me enough time but, that is the problem. There is no time, and no retention or ability for retention so all that's left is finding ways to spend time with different activities and making sure that I am turning in the appropriate paperwork the appropriate way. For a goal oriented person who strives to reach goals and has shown an ability to set goals and reach them multiple times. TO take away goals is a tad confusing but, I will just have to figure out new different kinds of goals to reach. 

So I have basically figured out in the past couple of weeks that I haven't figured anything out but, I'm happier and have more time to realize it. 

  

Halloween!

I love halloween. I have so many good memories of halloween. It's fun, being scared and excited at the same time. I think halloween was the first real independence I can remember feeling as a child. I was with my friends, on my street, with a pillowcase, all dressed up, and completely left to my own devices for an indetermined amount of time. It was thrilling then and still bring a smile to my face. 

My dad would be all dressed up and sitting in a chair in front of the house handing out candy to all the kids from the neighborhood. Trying to ease the worries of the younger ones that it would be ok to come and get candy. It was a time when I could see out in the open the truly gentle nature of my father. Mom was always dealing with my little brother. He was a toddler at the time. 

After the thrill of trick or treating came the annual pouring of all the candy on the floor to sift out the " iffy" pieces and the pieces we didn't want. One thing I always wonderend and never understood was why people insisted on making those popocorn balls after the movie halloween came out. They knew that neither would we eat them willingly or, our parents allow us to eat them. Seemed like a wasted effort even to a nine year old. 

I also remember my "last" halloween. I was about fourteen, with the same friends, and in the same neighborhood. Our domain had now grown two streets over and we barely put any effort into our costuming. We came to one house and the lady answered the door with, " aren't you two a little old to be trick or treating?" Then it was over, and for several years it became haunted houses and scary movies.

In college my teacher would let me come over to his house and give out candy. He lived in a nieghborhood and kids were everywhere all at once, " It was back!" 

Now I have a little one and I am always a little too excited about all the holidays. I love hearing him pick out his coustume and to see the scrunch of his little nose when he puts his hand in the pumpkin. 

One thing is noticably different now though. It seems like I won't be able to pass on that spirit of independence to him because of they world is now. Now we take our kids to the mall, and to trunk or treat to make sure that they are safe. 

I am going to fight it though. I plan on in a few years sitting on the front lawn in a chair trying to ease the worries of the young ones that it will be ok to come and get a piece of candy, I am also going to let my son go with a friend or two up down our street and feel the ture joy of a kid at halloween. 

Happy halloween everyone, god bless.//

September has come and almost gone.

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post and things have been interesting to say the least.

I feel a little lost and for the first time in my life  a little confused about what I want to do for the future.

Here's what I know as of right now.
- I have a great family and people who are willing to care about me and help me even when I am a jerk.
- I have a great little boy.
- I am relatively intelligent and can adapt to most situations.

Here's what I lost or forgot how to do.
- I used to be the funnest guy in the room. I laughed, I made others laugh, and people wanted to be around me.
- I forgot how to envision my future and know how to plan and get where I want to be.
- What I want to do professionally.

A year ago I was running around crazy and completely overwhelmed about working out my life around my typical shcedule and fixing the financial mistakes I had made while I was married. The main idea was to making life fit around the thing I wanted to do professionally and fit in life when I could arrange it. I wanted to be a good father and I really tried ,and still try, to be a good father. I was making it fit though instead of it being the priority.

Now all the things that were comfortable are gone. My life is completely about figuring out how to start over both professionally and personally and I am spinning around in circles to figure it out.  

One thing I now know thanks to a god shaking is that feeling sorry for myself and looking backward won't make things happen.

 I am figuring out now that I want to fit my job into my life instead of the other way around. For the first time I am completely ok with leaving band behind to have a life. That is a new and scary place for me.

I also know that I love teaching but, as it stands now, teaching has little to do with education. It has become this bargaining chip for unions and politicians. As evidence, in all the news stories about education how many times does the question, What is the best decision to help the students, come into play? I know it's bad punctuation and a run on sentence. I teach music back off.

Not teachers, or posturing to constituents, but helping kids have better lives. That's why we do it or, at least it used to be.

So, I have concluded that I don't know much, but I know I love you, and that may be all I need to know.

Thanks for listening and thanks for not judging my little thoughts on pixels.

Labor Day Weekend

It has been a good couple of weeks. There have been struggles to be sure and some things still need to be worked out but, over all I think things are good. 

My new job is very different than anything I have ever done and is challenging me in ways I would have never thought. I am not used to the ages of kids I am working with or the demographics.  Also in the past I have been involved in creating goals for both progress and the building of skills in a progression to create a program. 

This job is way more general music based and is supposed to be just to introduce kids to things and not to create any fluidity in the program. This is a hard change for me because the kids have no interest in excellence. They just want to do fun things and bang on drums. However an hour and a half of banging on drums makes things really hard to find things to do. 

I will figure it out but, it's going to take a minute. 

However, I do get home in time to take my son to do things, I am going to some concerts, went camping with him for the first time, I haven't missed an event at his school, and have still had the time to join the YMCA and start exercising. 

Another job thing, I don't take it home, obsess, or feel pressure to equate myself with my job. 

I am struggling with some things in this new life but,  I am going to make the best of things and live my life not live my job.

A new week. A new life, and a new pain in left knee.

It has begun! 

We have moved and unpacked, well kind of.... 

This has been a challenging week and has also been full of new starts, ideas, and pathways for both myself and my son that I am very excited about. I have also come to understand that kids are kids and if I could establish solid relationships in one place I can do it again and again. I am going to have to teach my butt off but, it will be so fun. It is amazing how distance can empower and make you feel more in control. 

There are a lot things to figure out here but I am going to do it with a new perspective. 

I am not going to let my thoughts scare and intimidate me into not trying new things or being successful. My lizard brain will not win this one. 

On another note... 

My little boy is already showing signs of being different in only a week. Some good, some bad. He has been through a lot already and is going though even more now. I hope one day I am as tough and resilient while being as lovable and happy as anyone can be. He is truly a great little guy. 

One funny story...

Yesterday I was putting together his bed while he was downstairs playing. I would check on him to make sure things were ok. I screwed in a side board and peeked out. Everything seemed to be fine but, as I looked closer I noticed something. HE WAS NAKED from the waist down. When I asked why he had no pants on he looked at me and said, " I spilled on them."  It seems that when we spill something on ourselves the right thing to do is just take that piece of clothes immediately. 

If this were true however I would end most meals with my shirt off. 

Take Care and have a good week. 

The times they are a changin'

Well things are definitely changing around these parts. 

Everything is changing. 

My son, my job, my living situation, my outlook, my attitude, and my financial situation. 

All of this change is kind of scary but, it is really exciting too. The life I have built here has traveled its course and I am ok with it. With my divorce and this learning to live on my own has caused me  to watch the world change without changing myself. 

I have felt stuck in an a movie where everyone tells me I am supposed to feel different and everything is going to get better but nothing changes for me but the situations. 

It has gotten better in some ways,  but not in others. Time to shake things up!

I am doing well in one aspect of my life. My son and I are moving in the right direction. He is more verbal and articulate, he is happy, he is catching up to other children his age scholastically, and our relationship is so great.  I am truly fortunate to have such a sweet and caring son. 

I am also excited to try something new professionally. I really do love the guys I worked with like my brothers and I will miss them. 

However, I am excited for new experiences, ideas, and a new atmosphere. I have  found that sometimes there is too much history. It keeps people from evolving or being able to evolve because of past events. This eventually makes it so no matter how you act or react it is perceived with a slant of how it would have been handled in the past. We live and we learn, hopefully.

I am so ready for this change! It is going to be an awesome ride! 

100 mph with towards a brick wall

      That title basically illustrates the way I have been feeling as of late between all of the things and people running around in my life I feel like I am on a constant tilt-a-whirl. .

    I have a problem that I can't seem to change and if I don't it will kill me and that is my constant worry for others and the way they feel about everything. Institutions mean a great deal to me to a fault. Respect of titles and relationships outweigh common sense to it is unbearable and I explode. Then I am perceived as the belligerent, or crazy one, because I finally let it out after being disrespected or placated for a period of time.
   
     It is a trait that had been instilled in me from an early age. I think and worry about things that others seems to not care about at all. This isn't my parents "fault" but more an awesome and helpful lesson that I have oversimplified because I am a wimp too often. Then when I do share my opinion I am, "too passionate about it."
     This contradiction as plagued me forever and there doesn't seem to be a clear end in sight.

There is way more to report about my life but, I need to wait a couple more days before I let everyone in on the bug changes.

Take Care

Things have been good, different, but good

It is hard to believe it has been almost a month since I have written anything. Things have been crazy as usual but, mostly having to do with scheduling and trying to create a new life for my son and I. 

The  past few weeks have seen my son turn five, the end of the school year, two trips home to MJ, new connections with old friends, some new friends, smiles, laughs, and more than a few tears. 

One of the biggest struggles of the last few weeks has been with my son. Not necessarily in dealing with him but, his relationships with his mother, her family, and more importantly other kids. 

I am trying to figure out our place in the world and how much slack to give him when i am around. 

I think of the world as a giant playground which bothers me greatly.  I think most people think of it as a release of their parenting duties, which in my opinion is the opposite of its intention. 

Instead of creating a nurturing environment for play and social interaction it becomes a sub culture of meanness where at an early age they learn cliques, hateful speech, and that to get what you want you have to take it. Pretty much everything that in my opinion that keeps the world in a limbo of sameness and stupidity. 

I want my son to be able to make it in this world but, I don't want him to be cynical or mean as a youngster. 

I have also made a decision to sell this house, or die trying, because everything square inch is comfortable and reminds me of a life gone and that should be forgotten. I will never move on with my life as long as the only thing different in my life is that she doesn't live here. I feel like the past year has been a dream and any moment I will wake up and everything will be ok and back to normal.

I have to change my everything to realize my everything has changed. 

Also I have to get away from crazy people who's idea of family is to create drama and then save each other from the drama they created to show that they care. As an example they called to see if they could take my son to get his hair cut. I responded that I was planning to get it cut the following day so they said they wouldn't take him. 

The next day he shows up at home with his hair cut by them and butchered! It was also the week before his birthday party. 

It was thankfully fixable and the crisis was averted but, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT!!!