Merry Christmas Everyone!
Today is Christmas day and the past week has been a whirlwind to say the least.
People are accustomed to being busy during the holidays and I have been used to it too. This one has been no different. Also it seems that I am always broke and get paid like two days before Christmas.
Making me run around like a crazy person the last couple of days before Christmas but, I always seem to figure it out.
This year was no different.
This was our first Christmas without the ex in the house and it was weird and a little sad frankly. Eventough she never really did much there was always someone there and this year there wasn't. This seemed to make everything more challenging. Also my inlaws are always being very nice but, overly nice which leads me to be suspicious of their true motives.
Dealing with the ex was a challenge on a couple of fronts. First there was times when she was completely normal and others when she was a complete train wreck and made want to run for the hills while pulling my hair out.
I know that a couple of weeks ago I said I was done being that guy and for the most part I am but, when it comes to ny boy I find myself having to swallow my words and be more passive about things than I would like to, or, deserve to be.
I just feel that my boy deserves to know his mother and doesn't deserve to know that she completely drops the ball as a mother. If this means I pay and smile and treat people kindly when I would like to tell them to go away or to shut up then that is what I have to do. He will eventually learn on his own and I will hopefully always be there to pick up the pieces.
This, unfortuantely, also means that others that like to second guess and or give me advice such as, I shouldn't invite her, or tell her this or that. This makes it harder to share with others and results in me sitting here typing my feelings to those of you have the kindness enough read my thoughts.
I guess I will just have to do what I have to do and deal with it or whine and cry to a keyboard.
This holiday with its trials and tribulations has been good, bad, happy, sad, lonely, crowded, frustrating, and relaxing all at the same time. I am guessing this is normal for most and if it's not don't tell me.
I need to think that all of us live in our own versions of CRAZY TOWN!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Please don't let the world end Friday because Santa Claus is coming!!
Well this week was definitely different than most weeks. It was full of more inner thought about my relationship to the world and how I feel about the things going on in the world than usual.
Frankly, it's about time I thought about something other than myself and my son. I , like most of us, get caught up in my own life's trials and joys and sometime forget that there is a world out there with other people in it who feel basically like I do.
This week an awful thing happened. A young man shot his way into a school then shot 6 adults, including his mother, and 20 children ages 6 - 7.
This tragedy of course unleashed the media machine on this poor little grieving town to make illuminate every crack and crevice of the shooter, the gun industry, school safety, autism, and the relatives and attempts at genuine care. This makes the whole thing so surreal and public that it really makes me as appalled at the behavior of people after the tragic event than the event itself.
I can't imagine what it would be like and I don't want to because that is too much heartache to even imagine for me. I have deep sympathy for them and their community.
I can imagine, though, that I would probably want to be left alone.
This all makes me think about the world and what is happening in it. I have thought about it more than in years for the past couple of days and here is what I have come up with.
We are all scared to death most of the time. We all think our problems aren't like anyone else's problems. We are all lonely and some of us snap.
Most of the people in the world are good and we have to not let the bad ones ruin this glorious life for us.
I have also had two encounters lately that any other time in my life would really upset me and they both involve people thinking that I said something that I didn't and being just insanely offended.
A year or so this would bother me because I used to spend most of my time walking on eggshells afraid upset anyone.
Now, I have come to the understanding that if you are willing to abandon someone of any significance in your life over words real relationships will elude you forever.
Well it has been one heck of a week. I am doing okay. I am still scared,broke, and lonely like the rest of us but, I know it and it is not going to make me sad ever again.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays,
JW
Frankly, it's about time I thought about something other than myself and my son. I , like most of us, get caught up in my own life's trials and joys and sometime forget that there is a world out there with other people in it who feel basically like I do.
This week an awful thing happened. A young man shot his way into a school then shot 6 adults, including his mother, and 20 children ages 6 - 7.
This tragedy of course unleashed the media machine on this poor little grieving town to make illuminate every crack and crevice of the shooter, the gun industry, school safety, autism, and the relatives and attempts at genuine care. This makes the whole thing so surreal and public that it really makes me as appalled at the behavior of people after the tragic event than the event itself.
I can't imagine what it would be like and I don't want to because that is too much heartache to even imagine for me. I have deep sympathy for them and their community.
I can imagine, though, that I would probably want to be left alone.
This all makes me think about the world and what is happening in it. I have thought about it more than in years for the past couple of days and here is what I have come up with.
We are all scared to death most of the time. We all think our problems aren't like anyone else's problems. We are all lonely and some of us snap.
Most of the people in the world are good and we have to not let the bad ones ruin this glorious life for us.
I have also had two encounters lately that any other time in my life would really upset me and they both involve people thinking that I said something that I didn't and being just insanely offended.
A year or so this would bother me because I used to spend most of my time walking on eggshells afraid upset anyone.
Now, I have come to the understanding that if you are willing to abandon someone of any significance in your life over words real relationships will elude you forever.
Well it has been one heck of a week. I am doing okay. I am still scared,broke, and lonely like the rest of us but, I know it and it is not going to make me sad ever again.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays,
JW
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
What am I ?
What am I ? Who am ? What am I doing? How did I get here?
I find myself asking these questions almost daily these days. My identity is loosely based on a couple things that are happening in my life. Single dad and band director seem to top the list these days but, I really don't know what I am to myself these days.
I think we all probably struggle with our titles and how they match up to what we do now and then but, man this is weird!
I find myself questioning myself while I am doing things that are more on the mother side of the coin in my mind. Saying things in my head like, " my dad never did this stuff," and making myself feel a way about doing what needs to be done. Is it strange that I feel strange about doing things like this or, pouring over websites to buy Christmas presents for my son? Why do I feel less manly when I am mopping the floor while my crust for my pie is baking in the oven? I am watching football at the same time just to be sure that I don't become too effeminate because if someone saw me I would feel uncomfortable.
It might be that I grew up in such a traditional household and because of this I find myself saying to myself all the time, " what would mom do in this situation?" or, "what would dad do?"
I spend most of my time trying to figure out things at the same time as actually doing it and, for a person who has always been tough and on top of things, it makes me feel frantic.
The other thing that I think about are the titles that I have left behind in the recent past. Husband, Lover, and sometimes even friend are distant memories that I remember and wonder if ever will come back to me. Maintaining other titles also becomes something that needs to be worked on and nurtured as well. I am a friend, uncle, brother, and son as well and all these titles and relationships need work to maintain their health. I struggle to find time and worry about the health of these relationships often.
People tell me often about how I should go and find a "good woman" and go on and have a good life. Well the truth is I don't really want or know how to be those things right now I would need to be to make anything like that happen. Women don't take men seriously who ask them out on a date and then share recipes, talk about the best kind of cleaner, or how if you take fabric softener mix it with water and put it in a spray bottle it makes a great febreeze alternative. I don't think women have it in their mind to marry a big burly Martha Stewart.
These are just some questions in my head now that it is completely over. My divorce is final, my son and I are on our own, and I have to remind myself to just be and it will work out.
Thanks for reading and much love.
I find myself asking these questions almost daily these days. My identity is loosely based on a couple things that are happening in my life. Single dad and band director seem to top the list these days but, I really don't know what I am to myself these days.
I think we all probably struggle with our titles and how they match up to what we do now and then but, man this is weird!
I find myself questioning myself while I am doing things that are more on the mother side of the coin in my mind. Saying things in my head like, " my dad never did this stuff," and making myself feel a way about doing what needs to be done. Is it strange that I feel strange about doing things like this or, pouring over websites to buy Christmas presents for my son? Why do I feel less manly when I am mopping the floor while my crust for my pie is baking in the oven? I am watching football at the same time just to be sure that I don't become too effeminate because if someone saw me I would feel uncomfortable.
It might be that I grew up in such a traditional household and because of this I find myself saying to myself all the time, " what would mom do in this situation?" or, "what would dad do?"
I spend most of my time trying to figure out things at the same time as actually doing it and, for a person who has always been tough and on top of things, it makes me feel frantic.
The other thing that I think about are the titles that I have left behind in the recent past. Husband, Lover, and sometimes even friend are distant memories that I remember and wonder if ever will come back to me. Maintaining other titles also becomes something that needs to be worked on and nurtured as well. I am a friend, uncle, brother, and son as well and all these titles and relationships need work to maintain their health. I struggle to find time and worry about the health of these relationships often.
People tell me often about how I should go and find a "good woman" and go on and have a good life. Well the truth is I don't really want or know how to be those things right now I would need to be to make anything like that happen. Women don't take men seriously who ask them out on a date and then share recipes, talk about the best kind of cleaner, or how if you take fabric softener mix it with water and put it in a spray bottle it makes a great febreeze alternative. I don't think women have it in their mind to marry a big burly Martha Stewart.
These are just some questions in my head now that it is completely over. My divorce is final, my son and I are on our own, and I have to remind myself to just be and it will work out.
Thanks for reading and much love.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Done
Here is my diatribe for he week. I am done. Can you dig it?
I have been used and abused for my passive nature but, not any longer. I will not tolerate bad behavior towards me and especially not towards my boy ever again.
This transition is going relatively smoothly for me because I am completely tired of foolishness. However, some friends and coworkers are having a rougher time with it because it means they have to gauge what they say and do around me and adjust their behaviors.
I come to a conclusion about human relationships. Let me add the disclaimer that this is not based off of science or any sort of experiment but, just my opinion.
In any relationship there is someone with the upper hand or more influence. This ebbs and flows according to the situation and the environment but it definitely exists. For example, Mom always has more influence the clothes that are worn while Dad my have way more influence in the function maintenance of the house.
This creates balance and interest in the relationship. There is always a need for the other party to do something that is their sphere of influence in the relationship. When that balance is gone and there is no interest or need in the other party it is really hard for that relationship to continue.
This is starting to happen in some of my relationships as I am changing in my attitudes. It is incredibly interesting for me as I try and notice it from the outside. I just hate to say it but, I just don't have time for some people any more. Their attitudes and actions have made them no longer an asset and instead a liability.
Some things that make you a liability to me:
I don't want to be so matter of fact but, I just want to establish some boundaries with everyone so I don't get beat up any longer.
- I am done fighting.
- I am done being treated like a door mat.
- I am done being insecure about my abilities both as a teacher and a father.
- I am done with being worried about when I put my foot in my mouth.
I have been used and abused for my passive nature but, not any longer. I will not tolerate bad behavior towards me and especially not towards my boy ever again.
This transition is going relatively smoothly for me because I am completely tired of foolishness. However, some friends and coworkers are having a rougher time with it because it means they have to gauge what they say and do around me and adjust their behaviors.
I come to a conclusion about human relationships. Let me add the disclaimer that this is not based off of science or any sort of experiment but, just my opinion.
In any relationship there is someone with the upper hand or more influence. This ebbs and flows according to the situation and the environment but it definitely exists. For example, Mom always has more influence the clothes that are worn while Dad my have way more influence in the function maintenance of the house.
This creates balance and interest in the relationship. There is always a need for the other party to do something that is their sphere of influence in the relationship. When that balance is gone and there is no interest or need in the other party it is really hard for that relationship to continue.
This is starting to happen in some of my relationships as I am changing in my attitudes. It is incredibly interesting for me as I try and notice it from the outside. I just hate to say it but, I just don't have time for some people any more. Their attitudes and actions have made them no longer an asset and instead a liability.
Some things that make you a liability to me:
- A person who holds a grudge over something stupid.
- uses me for things but doesn't have time for me
- tried to play mind games
- mean and angry
I don't want to be so matter of fact but, I just want to establish some boundaries with everyone so I don't get beat up any longer.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving
This has been another good week.
Two in a row?! The universe is absolutely trying to spoil me!
This week has shown me that I am still completely amazed by certain things in my life. The kindness of strangers, the love of a child, and the craziness that some feel as completely normal makes my jaw drop and my blood boil respectively nearly every day that it happens.
This week was Thanksgiving. This means that this is another time where I try to be reasonable and make arrangements with others in mind. This usually leads to being completely let down or, to be amazed at the actions and selfishness of others.
I concocted a deal to try and be reasonable to all the parties involved. I decide that my little man would stay with his grand parents on Wednesday night, they would have their dinner that morning and then we would travel the five hours to my parents. This would mean that his mother would be able to spend the holiday with him and I would be able to have the holiday with him and my parents as well.
So, little dude went to the grandparents, had dinner, but when they brought him home for us to leave someone was conspicuously absent. I was then informed that she had left early that morning to go have the holiday with her boyfriend.
Then to make matters all the better she had the nerve to message me and ask how he was and if we had left yet. She obviously cared a great deal about his health and safety when she left him while he didn't feel good on a holiday to have dinner with her boyfriend. I was dumbfounded, angry, and had to struggle to keep from being ugly to her parents. I realized it would do no good to yell at them. They can't do anything about her actions any more than I can.
Since we have been here she has messaged and called a couple of times a day just to see what we are doing. Why wouldn't she? I have obviously had trouble taking care of him for the last four years. I sure do need someone to keep track of me and what I am doing. Good Grief!!!
Other than that, it has been a good week. I went and saw some good movies, eaten more than my share, little man has had big time playing with NANA and Thomas, and it has been completely relaxing couple of days.
It has been awesome. I guess we will head back to the grind for the final push to Christmas. It's going to be great!
See you next week!!
Two in a row?! The universe is absolutely trying to spoil me!
This week has shown me that I am still completely amazed by certain things in my life. The kindness of strangers, the love of a child, and the craziness that some feel as completely normal makes my jaw drop and my blood boil respectively nearly every day that it happens.
This week was Thanksgiving. This means that this is another time where I try to be reasonable and make arrangements with others in mind. This usually leads to being completely let down or, to be amazed at the actions and selfishness of others.
I concocted a deal to try and be reasonable to all the parties involved. I decide that my little man would stay with his grand parents on Wednesday night, they would have their dinner that morning and then we would travel the five hours to my parents. This would mean that his mother would be able to spend the holiday with him and I would be able to have the holiday with him and my parents as well.
So, little dude went to the grandparents, had dinner, but when they brought him home for us to leave someone was conspicuously absent. I was then informed that she had left early that morning to go have the holiday with her boyfriend.
Then to make matters all the better she had the nerve to message me and ask how he was and if we had left yet. She obviously cared a great deal about his health and safety when she left him while he didn't feel good on a holiday to have dinner with her boyfriend. I was dumbfounded, angry, and had to struggle to keep from being ugly to her parents. I realized it would do no good to yell at them. They can't do anything about her actions any more than I can.
Since we have been here she has messaged and called a couple of times a day just to see what we are doing. Why wouldn't she? I have obviously had trouble taking care of him for the last four years. I sure do need someone to keep track of me and what I am doing. Good Grief!!!
Other than that, it has been a good week. I went and saw some good movies, eaten more than my share, little man has had big time playing with NANA and Thomas, and it has been completely relaxing couple of days.
It has been awesome. I guess we will head back to the grind for the final push to Christmas. It's going to be great!
See you next week!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
November 20 , 2012
Hello blog and friends,
This week has not been bad at all. It started with a whole bunch of crazy but, I refused to let myself be a part of it, so it moved on to the next person.
I got my divorce papers signed!!! Go LIFE!!!
I have also decided to focus more on the positives of my life and not worry about people who aren't positives in my life. As they say, Misery loves company, and it is proving true more often than not these days. I am just not going to be company for misery or people who are miserable.
I would say that the most frustrating thing this week has been trying to get my son to sleep at night. It is a battle to say the least and he either acts like a fish removed from water or some sort of battery operated toy that eventually runs out of juice. I can't decide which.
It is really a sight to see.
He will lay in the bed and wriggle around like he is wrestling a bear, roll over to get up on his knees, lay down again, settle down and lay oh so still so you think you have won. Then he kicks both legs to wake himself up and will start the process all over again. After this ritual he will mess with his pillows or, whatever he can to stay awake but soon enough he starts to fade again. His movements become slower and slower then..... BOOM!!! He has one last burst of activity followed by immediately going to sleep and I mean completely out.
It reminds me of when your television remote's battery is dying and you smack it against your hand, turn the batteries in the bottom, move it around, and all so you can think it works and it must have been a bad connection so now it will work fine forever.
You will do this and more so you don't have to get up and dig through that drawer in your kitchen where you know the batteries are but finding them is like digging through a mine field with your fingertips. There are nails, screwdrivers, glue, tape dispensers, that piece of string, an extra light bulb to that lamp that only takes those little decorative bulbs, and a battery container with one battery left. The universe knows you need two but, that would be too easy!
I also spend every moment of life outside of band with my little dude but, can find a away of convincing myself that I am awful and ignore him constantly. Nobody can build a guilt trip for themselves or others like I can!
Take for instance Sunday, I picked him from his grandparents' house around noon. When we got home we had a snack, wrestled around while we made the bed, made my mom's famous chocolate cheesecake, peeled potatoes, had a sandwich, played trains on the floor, and had a Thanksgiving Dinner for two guys a couple of days early. After that however, I looked my phone to text some folks and check facebook. Then I convinced myself that I was awful for doing these things.
When I see it in print it confirms my craziness to even myself.
Oh well, I better get back to him before he lives life of crime because of my typing this blog while he is eating dinner.
This has been a good week over all and I hope this boring life continues for some time.
Take Care and Happy Thanksgiving.
This week has not been bad at all. It started with a whole bunch of crazy but, I refused to let myself be a part of it, so it moved on to the next person.
I got my divorce papers signed!!! Go LIFE!!!
I have also decided to focus more on the positives of my life and not worry about people who aren't positives in my life. As they say, Misery loves company, and it is proving true more often than not these days. I am just not going to be company for misery or people who are miserable.
I would say that the most frustrating thing this week has been trying to get my son to sleep at night. It is a battle to say the least and he either acts like a fish removed from water or some sort of battery operated toy that eventually runs out of juice. I can't decide which.
It is really a sight to see.
He will lay in the bed and wriggle around like he is wrestling a bear, roll over to get up on his knees, lay down again, settle down and lay oh so still so you think you have won. Then he kicks both legs to wake himself up and will start the process all over again. After this ritual he will mess with his pillows or, whatever he can to stay awake but soon enough he starts to fade again. His movements become slower and slower then..... BOOM!!! He has one last burst of activity followed by immediately going to sleep and I mean completely out.
It reminds me of when your television remote's battery is dying and you smack it against your hand, turn the batteries in the bottom, move it around, and all so you can think it works and it must have been a bad connection so now it will work fine forever.
You will do this and more so you don't have to get up and dig through that drawer in your kitchen where you know the batteries are but finding them is like digging through a mine field with your fingertips. There are nails, screwdrivers, glue, tape dispensers, that piece of string, an extra light bulb to that lamp that only takes those little decorative bulbs, and a battery container with one battery left. The universe knows you need two but, that would be too easy!
I also spend every moment of life outside of band with my little dude but, can find a away of convincing myself that I am awful and ignore him constantly. Nobody can build a guilt trip for themselves or others like I can!
Take for instance Sunday, I picked him from his grandparents' house around noon. When we got home we had a snack, wrestled around while we made the bed, made my mom's famous chocolate cheesecake, peeled potatoes, had a sandwich, played trains on the floor, and had a Thanksgiving Dinner for two guys a couple of days early. After that however, I looked my phone to text some folks and check facebook. Then I convinced myself that I was awful for doing these things.
When I see it in print it confirms my craziness to even myself.
Oh well, I better get back to him before he lives life of crime because of my typing this blog while he is eating dinner.
This has been a good week over all and I hope this boring life continues for some time.
Take Care and Happy Thanksgiving.
Monday, November 12, 2012
November 12, 2012
Wow what a week! I don't even know where to start this past week has had me turned every which way, inside out, upside down, and been the most challenging that I can remember.
It started like any other week. Monday wen't off without a hitch. It was smooth sailing. Tuesday began what I shall refer in this post as "the journey."
On Tuesday there was no school and we had an inservice day that was organized the Niswonger foundation. The Niswonger Foundation is philanthropy effort from a rich business man to try and "fix" education. It was awful and as informative as reading the directions on the back of a shampoo bottle. After the in-service myself and some friends decided to go to a restaurant to complain about the day and catch up on our insulting each other. It was really nice to be around adults and not at work.
Then I received the call. .
My boy's teacher called to tell me that he was inconsolable, wouldn't follow any directions, and completely out of control. I told her I would be there in five minutes and immediately said my goodbyes and headed that way.
I arrived at the school expecting pandemonium laced with a little violence and a wee bit off sorrow. I walked through the door and......NOTHING!! Miles was playing on the floor with another little boy and they were laughing and having a wonderful time. Outrage would be a mild understatement as to my reaction. I picked him up, put him in the 3 yr old class and then took the teacher to task in the hallway.
Wednesday went okay. My parents came to visit and we had a good time.
Thursday it all went back to "the journey." My little guy and I toured the local Catholic school and it was really exceptional. I knew all of the teachers already because of the band, they were a million times further along than his class, and it is cheaper than where he is because we are Catholic.
I took my boy back to his school and had a conference with his teacher. I tried my best to get her to understand that I am completely interested, supportive of his teachers and their approach to behavior however, I can not work on standing in line at home because there are no lines at our home. Working on circle time at home is not realistic because I have him sit on my lap and read him a story. Also I wouldn't tell him to be quiet because I think it is important to answer his questions. I would, however, like to know about his behaviors issues so I can talk to him about it but, I would rather have more pertinent information. Such as, he is having trouble with his shapes, doesn't know his lower case letter. etc...
This fell on deaf ears. So we are changing schools.
Later on in the evening I was practicing with a church band that I had agreed to play with to make some extra money for Christmas. Grandma was watching big man and she was supposed to come and visit him. I left the band practice at 7:50. I know that was the time because I was late and I wanted to call and check on everyone. I was told that she had never shown up. I arrived at home at 8 pm to find her in the dining with my son's piggy bank emptied. She stated she was trying to put money in the bank and I called her bluff and told her to put the money back.. WELCOME HOME! Then she dug in her car for a pill she had dropped and in her car for about twenty minutes. Then she came in and asked if she could download music to her phone and I told her she had five minutes then he was going to bed and she would need to leave.
FRIDAY
Friday was okay until about 1 p.m. when she called. She said that when she was downloading music the computer removed her contacts and she needed them to because the doctor told her she had cancer and she needed to call someone. I told her that I would meet here at the house and when I arrived I tried to go to the back up of her phone. When I looked at her contacts they were all there so I asked and she said there wasn't all of them. So I let try and began to pick up some things around the house. When I looked over towards the computer she was downloading the rest of her music...CLASSY.
SATURDAY
Saturday only involved her texting me and asking for money, telling me that she missed me and wanted her old life back. It has been a year and she is living with her fourth boyfriend since I asked her to leave. That makes it ; her four "relationships" since then and me zero. Yeah she misses me a lot and I told her about how awesome she was via text.
SUNDAY
I played the church and it was actually fun. I love playing and I get to be around other adults who like to play so it is really kind of fun.
After I finished the second service I called to tell the I was on my way to get the boy and was told "we have a real problem." I ,of course, inquired and was told that she was having a nervous breakdown. My first thought was my son having to see some foolishness going down and apparently I am the only who had thought of that. I got there as soon as I could and when I arrived I was told again that we had a problem. I responded that I didn't have a problem and that they were responsible for her and I was not. I was responsible for him and we were leaving because he didn't need to be around that kind of crazy.
So there's the past few days of my journey. Sorry for the length but, needed all of this to be out there for my sanity.
HAVE A GOOD WEEK! If this one is like last week I am going to be a basket case myself!!!
It started like any other week. Monday wen't off without a hitch. It was smooth sailing. Tuesday began what I shall refer in this post as "the journey."
On Tuesday there was no school and we had an inservice day that was organized the Niswonger foundation. The Niswonger Foundation is philanthropy effort from a rich business man to try and "fix" education. It was awful and as informative as reading the directions on the back of a shampoo bottle. After the in-service myself and some friends decided to go to a restaurant to complain about the day and catch up on our insulting each other. It was really nice to be around adults and not at work.
Then I received the call. .
My boy's teacher called to tell me that he was inconsolable, wouldn't follow any directions, and completely out of control. I told her I would be there in five minutes and immediately said my goodbyes and headed that way.
I arrived at the school expecting pandemonium laced with a little violence and a wee bit off sorrow. I walked through the door and......NOTHING!! Miles was playing on the floor with another little boy and they were laughing and having a wonderful time. Outrage would be a mild understatement as to my reaction. I picked him up, put him in the 3 yr old class and then took the teacher to task in the hallway.
Wednesday went okay. My parents came to visit and we had a good time.
Thursday it all went back to "the journey." My little guy and I toured the local Catholic school and it was really exceptional. I knew all of the teachers already because of the band, they were a million times further along than his class, and it is cheaper than where he is because we are Catholic.
I took my boy back to his school and had a conference with his teacher. I tried my best to get her to understand that I am completely interested, supportive of his teachers and their approach to behavior however, I can not work on standing in line at home because there are no lines at our home. Working on circle time at home is not realistic because I have him sit on my lap and read him a story. Also I wouldn't tell him to be quiet because I think it is important to answer his questions. I would, however, like to know about his behaviors issues so I can talk to him about it but, I would rather have more pertinent information. Such as, he is having trouble with his shapes, doesn't know his lower case letter. etc...
This fell on deaf ears. So we are changing schools.
Later on in the evening I was practicing with a church band that I had agreed to play with to make some extra money for Christmas. Grandma was watching big man and she was supposed to come and visit him. I left the band practice at 7:50. I know that was the time because I was late and I wanted to call and check on everyone. I was told that she had never shown up. I arrived at home at 8 pm to find her in the dining with my son's piggy bank emptied. She stated she was trying to put money in the bank and I called her bluff and told her to put the money back.. WELCOME HOME! Then she dug in her car for a pill she had dropped and in her car for about twenty minutes. Then she came in and asked if she could download music to her phone and I told her she had five minutes then he was going to bed and she would need to leave.
FRIDAY
Friday was okay until about 1 p.m. when she called. She said that when she was downloading music the computer removed her contacts and she needed them to because the doctor told her she had cancer and she needed to call someone. I told her that I would meet here at the house and when I arrived I tried to go to the back up of her phone. When I looked at her contacts they were all there so I asked and she said there wasn't all of them. So I let try and began to pick up some things around the house. When I looked over towards the computer she was downloading the rest of her music...CLASSY.
SATURDAY
Saturday only involved her texting me and asking for money, telling me that she missed me and wanted her old life back. It has been a year and she is living with her fourth boyfriend since I asked her to leave. That makes it ; her four "relationships" since then and me zero. Yeah she misses me a lot and I told her about how awesome she was via text.
SUNDAY
I played the church and it was actually fun. I love playing and I get to be around other adults who like to play so it is really kind of fun.
After I finished the second service I called to tell the I was on my way to get the boy and was told "we have a real problem." I ,of course, inquired and was told that she was having a nervous breakdown. My first thought was my son having to see some foolishness going down and apparently I am the only who had thought of that. I got there as soon as I could and when I arrived I was told again that we had a problem. I responded that I didn't have a problem and that they were responsible for her and I was not. I was responsible for him and we were leaving because he didn't need to be around that kind of crazy.
So there's the past few days of my journey. Sorry for the length but, needed all of this to be out there for my sanity.
HAVE A GOOD WEEK! If this one is like last week I am going to be a basket case myself!!!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sunday November 4, 2012
This was the last week of competitive marching band for the year. This week is always filled with contradicting emotions for me. I am sad that it is over, happy that I will have more time after school, proud of the work, and a little depressed because it never gets as good as it can be.
It has been a wild crazy ride but, we really did some amazing things for a bunch of kids from East Tennessee.
It was also Halloween this week and Iron Man had a pretty good one I hope. It was cold so the EX, myself. and Iron Man went trick or treating in at the mall with everyone else in town with kids under the age of five. It was okay. It was full of whining and negativity from an unnamed source but, Iron Man had a good time and saved the world from too much candy being in circulation.
On the big day we dressed up again, went to the neighbors, and carved a couple of pumpkins. Also her mother and grandmother came to visit. It was really kind of uneventful and not too bad. The adults have to have as much attention as the boy but, at least I know that now so I can effectively keep all of the kids managed.
It was a crazy busy week and I am tired but, that is part of life. I am starting to take control of some things one piece at a time and it is working to make things easier and better. I just wished I could get this paperwork finished and be able to move on with my life. Also I would like a reprieve from being treated like I am indebted because I am surviving, that there are rights involved so I should mind my P's and Q's, and that I am inherently not as smart so I can be told anything and I will buy it.
Those interactions are really the only thing that still have trouble dealing with on a regular basis. I am tired of being nice. I want to be done; I mean I am done but, I just want to be officially done. Also when it is done you might want to find away to be with me that day. It will be one to remember and the most fun days you will remember.
It has been a wild crazy ride but, we really did some amazing things for a bunch of kids from East Tennessee.
It was also Halloween this week and Iron Man had a pretty good one I hope. It was cold so the EX, myself. and Iron Man went trick or treating in at the mall with everyone else in town with kids under the age of five. It was okay. It was full of whining and negativity from an unnamed source but, Iron Man had a good time and saved the world from too much candy being in circulation.
On the big day we dressed up again, went to the neighbors, and carved a couple of pumpkins. Also her mother and grandmother came to visit. It was really kind of uneventful and not too bad. The adults have to have as much attention as the boy but, at least I know that now so I can effectively keep all of the kids managed.
It was a crazy busy week and I am tired but, that is part of life. I am starting to take control of some things one piece at a time and it is working to make things easier and better. I just wished I could get this paperwork finished and be able to move on with my life. Also I would like a reprieve from being treated like I am indebted because I am surviving, that there are rights involved so I should mind my P's and Q's, and that I am inherently not as smart so I can be told anything and I will buy it.
Those interactions are really the only thing that still have trouble dealing with on a regular basis. I am tired of being nice. I want to be done; I mean I am done but, I just want to be officially done. Also when it is done you might want to find away to be with me that day. It will be one to remember and the most fun days you will remember.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday October 28, 2012
I woke up this morning at 3:30 a.m. picked up my phone and looked up the definition to the word petulant. Which is:
Childishly sulky or bad-tempered.
This is a characteristic of mine, my son, and most people I know's behavior at one time or another.
This has been a challenge for me this week in dealing with others in my life. I find myself working around adults, especially some. I end up feeling like I am constantly raising other adults in my life.
This makes me feel more alone and crazy!
I am writing this post from a bus seat on my way back from a marching band contest. It went really well and made me realize something about myself.
When I am immersed in the throws of preparing the kids to perform and the actual performance, I am pure. My mind is blank and driven with one singular purpose. Everything is about the present moment.
I wish life were more like that.
There have been songs about it, thousands hours of research and meditations about it but, until there are less things to take care of in life we are all doomed to be a million places at once mentally.
It seems this is just the way it is going to be for all of us.
I will just have to keep holding onto the bits of clarity that I can catch in the wind of a stadium, concert hall, or playing with a four year old.
That will be enough for me.
Childishly sulky or bad-tempered.
This is a characteristic of mine, my son, and most people I know's behavior at one time or another.
This has been a challenge for me this week in dealing with others in my life. I find myself working around adults, especially some. I end up feeling like I am constantly raising other adults in my life.
This makes me feel more alone and crazy!
I am writing this post from a bus seat on my way back from a marching band contest. It went really well and made me realize something about myself.
When I am immersed in the throws of preparing the kids to perform and the actual performance, I am pure. My mind is blank and driven with one singular purpose. Everything is about the present moment.
I wish life were more like that.
There have been songs about it, thousands hours of research and meditations about it but, until there are less things to take care of in life we are all doomed to be a million places at once mentally.
It seems this is just the way it is going to be for all of us.
I will just have to keep holding onto the bits of clarity that I can catch in the wind of a stadium, concert hall, or playing with a four year old.
That will be enough for me.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
October 21, 2012
It has been very interesting in crazy town this week. It was fall break and I am more tired than if I would have been at work! I decided to paint as many rooms in the house as I could in three days. That was two. I didn't realize how incredibly long it take to paint a room correctly and I wanted to do this correctly.
So after I finished the bathroom, my ex-wife comes to visit. This means she will notice Miles is in the room, ask me a bunch of questions, tell me all of the injustices in her life, gather up a car load of her stuff, and then leave. The state calls this visitation. Anyway, sunshine walks in the house apparently smells paint. She walks directly into the bathroom then comes out and says, "I hope you have some of that paint left over so I can fix all those spots." She could tell with my response that I didn't appreciate her remarks and tried to back peddle as fast as she could but, too late.
Also this week we had a band contest which went really well. The thought of band as competitions makes me my mind wander and in turn me to giggle. The term makes me picture students and directors actually doing things to deter or sabotage the other bands to enhance their chances. I picture kids from other bands running on the field and keeping people from getting to their spots, rigging equipment to fail, trip wires, or all manner of things to enhance your own chances. The movie in my mind is hilarious but, real life is simply not as exhilarating as our fantasies. Weird right?!
The kids did really as well as they could and I was very proud of them. We came in third.
My man is still having some trouble at school. He doesn't want to take a nap and calls for his daddy at nap time. Side note: Why do they have to tell me this? I picture my son just distraught and sobbing and begging for me. This makes me feel awesome - Thanks guys! Also he is not focused, won't follow instructions, and is being rough. I know my kid and see is none of these things so like being concerned I started visiting during my planning period and guess what? He was actually doing some of the things. which floored me, but nothing to the level they have you believe. When I say he was doing these things I mean he was going from center to center and playing with his friends, they had to repeat themselves a couple of times, and he ran with the other boys. I saw what they are saying but I refuse to be a part of the current educational model which emasculates little boys as soon as possible or, tries to medicate them. I guess I will have to be that guy.
Well that was my week. No grandiose philosophical rants or life changing moments. Just two guys dealing with my crazy in-laws and ex wife. Trying to keep sane and have a little fun in the process. I hope this week was good for you.
So after I finished the bathroom, my ex-wife comes to visit. This means she will notice Miles is in the room, ask me a bunch of questions, tell me all of the injustices in her life, gather up a car load of her stuff, and then leave. The state calls this visitation. Anyway, sunshine walks in the house apparently smells paint. She walks directly into the bathroom then comes out and says, "I hope you have some of that paint left over so I can fix all those spots." She could tell with my response that I didn't appreciate her remarks and tried to back peddle as fast as she could but, too late.
Also this week we had a band contest which went really well. The thought of band as competitions makes me my mind wander and in turn me to giggle. The term makes me picture students and directors actually doing things to deter or sabotage the other bands to enhance their chances. I picture kids from other bands running on the field and keeping people from getting to their spots, rigging equipment to fail, trip wires, or all manner of things to enhance your own chances. The movie in my mind is hilarious but, real life is simply not as exhilarating as our fantasies. Weird right?!
The kids did really as well as they could and I was very proud of them. We came in third.
My man is still having some trouble at school. He doesn't want to take a nap and calls for his daddy at nap time. Side note: Why do they have to tell me this? I picture my son just distraught and sobbing and begging for me. This makes me feel awesome - Thanks guys! Also he is not focused, won't follow instructions, and is being rough. I know my kid and see is none of these things so like being concerned I started visiting during my planning period and guess what? He was actually doing some of the things. which floored me, but nothing to the level they have you believe. When I say he was doing these things I mean he was going from center to center and playing with his friends, they had to repeat themselves a couple of times, and he ran with the other boys. I saw what they are saying but I refuse to be a part of the current educational model which emasculates little boys as soon as possible or, tries to medicate them. I guess I will have to be that guy.
Well that was my week. No grandiose philosophical rants or life changing moments. Just two guys dealing with my crazy in-laws and ex wife. Trying to keep sane and have a little fun in the process. I hope this week was good for you.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Questions and Answers
I have been trying to think about what I was going to write about for this week. It has caused my thoughts to run around in my head so fast that i am afraid they are going trip.
This week has been not too anything. There was no more turmoil than usual, schedules were not interrupted, and we navigated crazy river pretty well as well.
I have also been thinking about the relationships in my life both past and present. People have more than supportive this past year and always ask me how things are going. It has also caused several old friends to reach out. All of this reminiscing has made me think about how the many different decisions, we make in split seconds based off of nothing but feelings, can alter our life in drastic ways. It really is funny how things turn out.
This all causes me to question things that are better left alone. I grew up with some truths. There is a God, he has a plan for us, everything is in his ultimate plan and will work out in the end.
I still hold some of those truths close to my beliefs close to my heart but, now I have some serious questions.
I know there is a god. I have seen him in everything around me and in my son's eyes. However I am wavering on his plan for everything and it all works out in the end. I have seen recently that sometimes things don't work out for the better, and, to be frank, if God had the past year planned for me he is kind of a jerk. I don't know if things will work out for the better but, I know that I will make sure that things will work and we will be fine.
Also I have heard many times about having a personal relationship with God. Well I have never been a part of any relationship where at some point there wasn't some sort of tension. I feel it is ok to shake your fist at the sky, grieve parts of your relationship being lost, and overjoyed at new parts gained. This makes it more authentic for me.
So I have figured out this week that I have incredible people involved in my life, my ex-wife is still riding the crazy train, I don't really know much of anything, and I will work as hard as my ignorant self can to make sure that my son and I have the best life we can.
Being unsure about everything is the only thing I can be sure of.
This week has been not too anything. There was no more turmoil than usual, schedules were not interrupted, and we navigated crazy river pretty well as well.
I have also been thinking about the relationships in my life both past and present. People have more than supportive this past year and always ask me how things are going. It has also caused several old friends to reach out. All of this reminiscing has made me think about how the many different decisions, we make in split seconds based off of nothing but feelings, can alter our life in drastic ways. It really is funny how things turn out.
This all causes me to question things that are better left alone. I grew up with some truths. There is a God, he has a plan for us, everything is in his ultimate plan and will work out in the end.
I still hold some of those truths close to my beliefs close to my heart but, now I have some serious questions.
I know there is a god. I have seen him in everything around me and in my son's eyes. However I am wavering on his plan for everything and it all works out in the end. I have seen recently that sometimes things don't work out for the better, and, to be frank, if God had the past year planned for me he is kind of a jerk. I don't know if things will work out for the better but, I know that I will make sure that things will work and we will be fine.
Also I have heard many times about having a personal relationship with God. Well I have never been a part of any relationship where at some point there wasn't some sort of tension. I feel it is ok to shake your fist at the sky, grieve parts of your relationship being lost, and overjoyed at new parts gained. This makes it more authentic for me.
So I have figured out this week that I have incredible people involved in my life, my ex-wife is still riding the crazy train, I don't really know much of anything, and I will work as hard as my ignorant self can to make sure that my son and I have the best life we can.
Being unsure about everything is the only thing I can be sure of.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
October is here!
I promised that this week I would try and refrain from whining about things and have a positive attitude about things. I will try.
This week has been good except for a couple of bumps in the road. It was the busiest week in awhile and the football game on Friday was out of control in a number of different ways. We had the middle school kids play with the band, it was homecoming, and little man came to the game. I was ready for most of it but, as one would guess adversity is the friend of 300 middle school students in one place. My little man did get to stand on the field and scream touchdown for the first score and do a touchdown dance in the end zone. It was awesome and incredibly cute.
Saturday was our first contest day and went pretty well. There are some problems with the show, and to be frank, they are writing errors by the drill guy and the music people not paying attention to each other. They will be easy to fix in the long run but, we didn't really have time to get them yesterday.
On the home front, it was just another week of navigation down crazy river avoiding crazy boulders. I am convinced that if you touch one of these boulders it immediately boils your brain so I am extra careful when it comes to both of us and our boating.
The next day I found his first piggy bank that was supposed to have been broken when she was getting some of her stuff from the house. It had not a scratch on it, and was completely empty. It had a note, from the person she used to stay with, saying there was more things of ours at her house. SHOCKING!
We made it through another week! Our brains haven't been boiled, we are still smiling, we decorated the house for halloween, carved some pumpkins, learned to write a K, almost mastered writing our name, and ate some french fries. A pretty good week.
Oh, and if someone has some really controversial investment opportunities I have ten dollars to invest.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
September 30, 2012
I was sitting here trying to think about what I want to share with this privately/public journal for this week and I didn't want it to be the same old story about me and my boy are gonna make it and my ex spouse being awful. Instead I want to spend some time thinking about what is going well and what is not going so great and see if writing them down can help me think of some solutions.
The good things - I am starting to do a little better financially. I received a home loan modification which is helping me a great deal but, there are still a lot of bills I simply can't pay. I am trying to figure it out the best I can as I think most people are these days. I do think about how she isn't helping at all financially. To think about it just makes me crazy.
I digress.
Another good thing is that my little boy is starting to be a lot better adjusted to our life. I am a firm believer that we all need out ruts. People lament their lives being in a rut all the time and wish and hope for excitement and variety. Well my life was devoid of a routine for the better part of a year and let me tell you that ruts are healthy and awesome and I am so glad to be digging my own new daily rut with just my son and myself.
Also he is starting to catch up with both his verbal communication and his preschool counterparts. He is still behind to be sure but, since we are establishing our routine and now have time to work on all of our schoolwork instead of going here and there.
Biggest thing - I have remembered how to laugh again, really laugh. Laugh from the bottom of my gut and so long and hard that my eyes water. I have found me again.
The bad things-
My boy is behind his preschool counterparts. How did I let this happen?
I have too many bills I can't pay.
I let myself be affected by ignorance at work and be manipulated into doing things that I know are going to end up either disappointing me or frustrating me because I know other people won't get them done.
I am lonely.
Well there's where I am at these days. As you can see my mind is conflicted about everything except, me and the boy are better and my ex is awful. Oh well I will try and find some thing else to talk about next week!
The good things - I am starting to do a little better financially. I received a home loan modification which is helping me a great deal but, there are still a lot of bills I simply can't pay. I am trying to figure it out the best I can as I think most people are these days. I do think about how she isn't helping at all financially. To think about it just makes me crazy.
I digress.
Another good thing is that my little boy is starting to be a lot better adjusted to our life. I am a firm believer that we all need out ruts. People lament their lives being in a rut all the time and wish and hope for excitement and variety. Well my life was devoid of a routine for the better part of a year and let me tell you that ruts are healthy and awesome and I am so glad to be digging my own new daily rut with just my son and myself.
Also he is starting to catch up with both his verbal communication and his preschool counterparts. He is still behind to be sure but, since we are establishing our routine and now have time to work on all of our schoolwork instead of going here and there.
Biggest thing - I have remembered how to laugh again, really laugh. Laugh from the bottom of my gut and so long and hard that my eyes water. I have found me again.
The bad things-
My boy is behind his preschool counterparts. How did I let this happen?
I have too many bills I can't pay.
I let myself be affected by ignorance at work and be manipulated into doing things that I know are going to end up either disappointing me or frustrating me because I know other people won't get them done.
I am lonely.
Well there's where I am at these days. As you can see my mind is conflicted about everything except, me and the boy are better and my ex is awful. Oh well I will try and find some thing else to talk about next week!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Monday September 24
Wow! That's really all I can say about this past week. It has been a challenge and at the same time normal, busy, and awesome.
Things are so much calmer since I decided to make things be the way I want them to be instead of making people happy while they present no effort in their own happiness.
I have been thinking about things and I find myself rationalizing everything. " I feel this way but, I guess everyone does," or " This is really hard but, things are hard for lots of people." I have decided that I am not going to do that anymore. What is,is, and what I feel is what I feel and I will be damned if I apologize for it.
Also I am not going to pretend I am going through things a lot of people go through. Sure there are a lot of people who are worse off than me and a lot of people who are going through basically the same thing as me but, frankly I don't care. I am an individual ad I am allowed to feel that this is hard.
I also refuse for this to make me hard or harden my heart towards people. Other people's lives are what they are and mine is what it is. That's it. Nothing more or less and I won't begrudge people.
I still love people and I love being around people and I love being. I am not perfect, my life is a mess, and I wouldn't trade it with anyone else's because I would have to pack. Does anyone know how I acquired so much crap?
Smile- not because God loves you , but, because I love you. If you are reading this you are someone important to me.
Bring it life! Let's see what else you got!
Things are so much calmer since I decided to make things be the way I want them to be instead of making people happy while they present no effort in their own happiness.
I have been thinking about things and I find myself rationalizing everything. " I feel this way but, I guess everyone does," or " This is really hard but, things are hard for lots of people." I have decided that I am not going to do that anymore. What is,is, and what I feel is what I feel and I will be damned if I apologize for it.
Also I am not going to pretend I am going through things a lot of people go through. Sure there are a lot of people who are worse off than me and a lot of people who are going through basically the same thing as me but, frankly I don't care. I am an individual ad I am allowed to feel that this is hard.
I also refuse for this to make me hard or harden my heart towards people. Other people's lives are what they are and mine is what it is. That's it. Nothing more or less and I won't begrudge people.
I still love people and I love being around people and I love being. I am not perfect, my life is a mess, and I wouldn't trade it with anyone else's because I would have to pack. Does anyone know how I acquired so much crap?
Smile- not because God loves you , but, because I love you. If you are reading this you are someone important to me.
Bring it life! Let's see what else you got!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Week of September 17
It has been a good week. My new approach to our life is already starting to pay dividends. Little man is sleeping in his bed by himself for the first time in months. He is doing way better in speech. So well that his teacher says we are going to give it another month and if he is still doing this well he will be caught up and not need to come anymore.
He is learning to count and write his alphabet better than ever and his focus level is way higher.
I am now learning how to manage my thoughts and not feel guilty about everything I think. I am also learning how to not be a part of the crazy or let the crazy affect my state of mind.
Things aren't perfect, but they are getting better.
I am afraid though that this schedule is simply not doable for many more years not because I am too tired or things are slipping but, I want my guy to be able to play soccer, do cub scouts, take karate, or whatever and actually be able to do it without our whole life revolving around my crazy schedule.
I love the kids I teach and I really like
My job, but I both like and love my son more.
He is learning to count and write his alphabet better than ever and his focus level is way higher.
I am now learning how to manage my thoughts and not feel guilty about everything I think. I am also learning how to not be a part of the crazy or let the crazy affect my state of mind.
Things aren't perfect, but they are getting better.
I am afraid though that this schedule is simply not doable for many more years not because I am too tired or things are slipping but, I want my guy to be able to play soccer, do cub scouts, take karate, or whatever and actually be able to do it without our whole life revolving around my crazy schedule.
I love the kids I teach and I really like
My job, but I both like and love my son more.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
September 8, 2012
It has been an interesting week to say the least. I have made some decisions relating to the care of my little guy that I am really thinking are going to be for the best. I have spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to keep people happy. Running here there and everywhere to try and keep the drama to a minimum. Afraid that people won't help me if I make them upset.
I am officially done with that. My son and I will be staying home and living a normal life. We are going to establish our rut and run with it. If people have a problem with that then they will just have to have a problem with it. If she has a problem with how I raise him without her support let her take me to court and prove that she is fit to have any input in his raising.
I went to my counselor this week and he is going to help me figure out how to not calm my mind.
I think about every decision over and over, my feelings over and over, my parenting over and over, and basically trapping myel with my own mind.
I need to come to grips with something. What is, is. That means how I feel is how I feel, the decisions I make at work eithe work or they don't, I try as hard as I can in my parenting and what I get done is what I get done.
I am not going to second guess my feelings. Also I am not going to feel guilty about my feelings.
Last but not least - I am not responsible for the world. I am not going to feel obligated to everyone but, just one and he is going to be ok no matter what.
Some people aren't going to like this new way of being. Some people won't know how to take me anymore.
I am ok with that.
I am officially done with that. My son and I will be staying home and living a normal life. We are going to establish our rut and run with it. If people have a problem with that then they will just have to have a problem with it. If she has a problem with how I raise him without her support let her take me to court and prove that she is fit to have any input in his raising.
I went to my counselor this week and he is going to help me figure out how to not calm my mind.
I think about every decision over and over, my feelings over and over, my parenting over and over, and basically trapping myel with my own mind.
I need to come to grips with something. What is, is. That means how I feel is how I feel, the decisions I make at work eithe work or they don't, I try as hard as I can in my parenting and what I get done is what I get done.
I am not going to second guess my feelings. Also I am not going to feel guilty about my feelings.
Last but not least - I am not responsible for the world. I am not going to feel obligated to everyone but, just one and he is going to be ok no matter what.
Some people aren't going to like this new way of being. Some people won't know how to take me anymore.
I am ok with that.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Labor day weekend
It has been a good week. We went to my parent's house for a visit and everything went fine. Little man went to his first football game with my folks and I went to my first away game of the year.
My only two frustrations of the week have to do with two situations that are taking advantage of the same strategy against me. People consistently either treat me like I don't know how to figure out that they are lying or, that I don't have the courage to call them on it.
I think the second is more like the truth of the situation. I convince myself that it is not worth fighting over or that it won't solve the problems but, it actually teaches people that they can get away with treating me poorly or having control over my life.
I am determined to not let this happen anymore. It may make me unpopular at work and cause me grief in my dealings with her but, it is time for a new me to draw some lines on acceptable behaviors towards me.
If people don't like it I guess they will have to mutter angrily to themselves because I am done with that.
My only two frustrations of the week have to do with two situations that are taking advantage of the same strategy against me. People consistently either treat me like I don't know how to figure out that they are lying or, that I don't have the courage to call them on it.
I think the second is more like the truth of the situation. I convince myself that it is not worth fighting over or that it won't solve the problems but, it actually teaches people that they can get away with treating me poorly or having control over my life.
I am determined to not let this happen anymore. It may make me unpopular at work and cause me grief in my dealings with her but, it is time for a new me to draw some lines on acceptable behaviors towards me.
If people don't like it I guess they will have to mutter angrily to themselves because I am done with that.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Sunday August 26 2012
This week was interesting to say the least. Little man and I went to grandma's like we were supposed to this week and she wasn't there to see him. This is infuriating beyond belief because she couldn't let me know that she wasn't going to be there and it had the potential of upsetting my man.
Luckily he is easily diverted and it doesn't affect him now but, soon it will and that will be it for her and her ability to see him and be a part of deciding when. While we were there I found out that my ex-wife's uncle suddenly passed away. That somehow became the reason she couldn't come and see him. She had left her grandma's house hours earlier and didn't know that he passed until I called and told her once we were already at her grandma's. She just couldn't be there because she was so broke up in advance I guess.
She asked if she could come and see Miles the next day once she could get herself under control, to which I said ok. So the next day we went to the library and to see the fountain after school and got home about six thirty or so. I called her and let her know we were home and she said she would be right over but, she also wanted to know if I would take her to her paternal grandmother's house. I said I would.
She finally showed up her to "see her son" at about 8:45. I took her to her grandmother's and she managed to visit her grandmother for about 4 minutes. The rest of the time she walked around the house doing god knows what.
This craziness that she exhibits is becoming more erratic and not as easily taken by me. I am really tired of having to deal with her and try and keep some sort of a normal life. She is obviously only concerned with herself and uses her son for emotional manipulation and I refuse for it to happen. He doesn't deserve it and won't be a part of it. He is not a prop!
I am a little more tired than usual this week but, c'est la vie.
Another thing that happened this week was my mom being put in the hospital for chest pains. They let her go home the next day after some tests and we are supposed to go visit this upcoming weekend.
I can't imagine if something were to happen to either one of my parents right now. I hate to make it about me but, that might be the thing that finally breaks me and sends me into crazy land with the rest of the people up here. Probably more likely I would completely shut the emotion factory down inside and just be productive and not human. Sometimes I feel like that is what I am doing most of the time anyway but, I think most people feel like that more than would like to or admit to.
Luckily he is easily diverted and it doesn't affect him now but, soon it will and that will be it for her and her ability to see him and be a part of deciding when. While we were there I found out that my ex-wife's uncle suddenly passed away. That somehow became the reason she couldn't come and see him. She had left her grandma's house hours earlier and didn't know that he passed until I called and told her once we were already at her grandma's. She just couldn't be there because she was so broke up in advance I guess.
She asked if she could come and see Miles the next day once she could get herself under control, to which I said ok. So the next day we went to the library and to see the fountain after school and got home about six thirty or so. I called her and let her know we were home and she said she would be right over but, she also wanted to know if I would take her to her paternal grandmother's house. I said I would.
She finally showed up her to "see her son" at about 8:45. I took her to her grandmother's and she managed to visit her grandmother for about 4 minutes. The rest of the time she walked around the house doing god knows what.
This craziness that she exhibits is becoming more erratic and not as easily taken by me. I am really tired of having to deal with her and try and keep some sort of a normal life. She is obviously only concerned with herself and uses her son for emotional manipulation and I refuse for it to happen. He doesn't deserve it and won't be a part of it. He is not a prop!
I am a little more tired than usual this week but, c'est la vie.
Another thing that happened this week was my mom being put in the hospital for chest pains. They let her go home the next day after some tests and we are supposed to go visit this upcoming weekend.
I can't imagine if something were to happen to either one of my parents right now. I hate to make it about me but, that might be the thing that finally breaks me and sends me into crazy land with the rest of the people up here. Probably more likely I would completely shut the emotion factory down inside and just be productive and not human. Sometimes I feel like that is what I am doing most of the time anyway but, I think most people feel like that more than would like to or admit to.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
It has been a couple of weeks since my last post and sorry and ecstatic to say that everything has been pretty much normal. Band camp was more challenge than I expected it to be both professionally and personally. Little man was supposed to stay with my parents the first week and then my parents were supposed to come up here and help with my house and stay here for the second week. Well my mom threw out her back and they had to bring my boy back and I was alone for the second week. I was terrified because of the long crazy hours and trying to find what to do with him during the evening hours, etc.... However, we did it without a hitch! It worked fine because I have some awesome friends and some really great band parents who really were there for me.
This made me realize more than ever that I can do this. I may get a little crazy and my patience gets tested because the little guy is a stubborn as his father and when he gets something in his head it won't leave until he is satisfied but, we are doing ok.
On the professional side; everything that I feared about not writing the show has come to pass. The parts are lame, he didn't get us one note during band camp,and I don't really care. I know that I should be up in arms and I should be angry and I tried to be but, I was reminded very quickly of my ranking in opinion and process. Now I don't care if the drums learn the whole show before Christmas. I will teach it to them when it gets here, I will make it as good as I can, and I won't complain about it. I will not however retry and fix the problem when it comes up again, rewrite a single note, put one single once of my own creativity into it, or make chicken salad out of it at all. Also, frankly, I don't think I should be expected to either.
My personal life has taken a positive turn. WE have signed the prerequisite papers and it is now on its way to being officially done. Also I found out I have been approved for my loan modification. Two big steps on my way to a normal existence!! I have also started to try and become a semi vegetarian and quit drinking sodas. Another two big steps added on to my having not had a cigarette in two months. I am really proud of myself for all of these accomplishments both professionally and personally. They show a level of persistence I had lost and now I am starting to like have ing control again. So people better watch out. Passive is gone.
This made me realize more than ever that I can do this. I may get a little crazy and my patience gets tested because the little guy is a stubborn as his father and when he gets something in his head it won't leave until he is satisfied but, we are doing ok.
On the professional side; everything that I feared about not writing the show has come to pass. The parts are lame, he didn't get us one note during band camp,and I don't really care. I know that I should be up in arms and I should be angry and I tried to be but, I was reminded very quickly of my ranking in opinion and process. Now I don't care if the drums learn the whole show before Christmas. I will teach it to them when it gets here, I will make it as good as I can, and I won't complain about it. I will not however retry and fix the problem when it comes up again, rewrite a single note, put one single once of my own creativity into it, or make chicken salad out of it at all. Also, frankly, I don't think I should be expected to either.
My personal life has taken a positive turn. WE have signed the prerequisite papers and it is now on its way to being officially done. Also I found out I have been approved for my loan modification. Two big steps on my way to a normal existence!! I have also started to try and become a semi vegetarian and quit drinking sodas. Another two big steps added on to my having not had a cigarette in two months. I am really proud of myself for all of these accomplishments both professionally and personally. They show a level of persistence I had lost and now I am starting to like have ing control again. So people better watch out. Passive is gone.
Friday, July 20, 2012
I guess it is time for my weekly post. This week has been productive but, a little weird without my little man. I hate it when he is not around and I hate myself for how easy it is and how I think about how hard it is going to be when he gets home.
I really hope this doesn't make me a bad dad and just a human being who is recognizing that his life is more or less complicated according to the situation. I also have reached a place where if people do think that it makes them feel like a bad person then whatever. My little brother has cemented that word as my least favorite in the entire english language. Its indifference just drives me crazy and infuriates me and he can use at the perfect time and the perfect way to completely make me crazy. Now I feel that way about a whole section of people and ideas.
I have come to a place in both my job and dealing some specific people where I just have a limit on what I will tolerate in both speech and actions. After that threshold is reached I am done both with the person and the situation. I still don't have the capacity to fight like others think I should or like I feel like I want to sometimes but I feel it coming and fast. When it does I hope I can control it. I guess that is the real fear. The fear that if I let it out, if I say how I feel, that I won't be able to hold the tiger by the tail and it will get out of hand.
It scares the hell out of me. Way more than being by myself for the rest of my life with a little boy and mountains of debt. That is easy. Just love him with my whole heart, try harder than I think I can, and keep going, just keep going. So that is the plan right now.
Keep the mouth at bay and just keep going.
See you soon! Stay in front if you want to talk to me cause I'm not looking back any more!
I really hope this doesn't make me a bad dad and just a human being who is recognizing that his life is more or less complicated according to the situation. I also have reached a place where if people do think that it makes them feel like a bad person then whatever. My little brother has cemented that word as my least favorite in the entire english language. Its indifference just drives me crazy and infuriates me and he can use at the perfect time and the perfect way to completely make me crazy. Now I feel that way about a whole section of people and ideas.
I have come to a place in both my job and dealing some specific people where I just have a limit on what I will tolerate in both speech and actions. After that threshold is reached I am done both with the person and the situation. I still don't have the capacity to fight like others think I should or like I feel like I want to sometimes but I feel it coming and fast. When it does I hope I can control it. I guess that is the real fear. The fear that if I let it out, if I say how I feel, that I won't be able to hold the tiger by the tail and it will get out of hand.
It scares the hell out of me. Way more than being by myself for the rest of my life with a little boy and mountains of debt. That is easy. Just love him with my whole heart, try harder than I think I can, and keep going, just keep going. So that is the plan right now.
Keep the mouth at bay and just keep going.
See you soon! Stay in front if you want to talk to me cause I'm not looking back any more!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
July 14
This week has been ok. My little fellow got sick this week and subsequently got made me sick.
Band camp starts next week and I am ready to get started. It will present its challenges in logistics relating to my little fellow but nothing I don't think I won't be able to handle. I mean I have done it by myself to this point.
I am trying to set limits on what I am willing to communicate and do in regards to my ex instead of being less nice. People say I am top nice all the time and I have trouble with that. What I do feel is appropriate to set limits on mine and his exposure to her, communication with her, and what is acceptable behavior.
We both need a release from the drama and I will try to find a way to get it.
Band camp starts next week and I am ready to get started. It will present its challenges in logistics relating to my little fellow but nothing I don't think I won't be able to handle. I mean I have done it by myself to this point.
I am trying to set limits on what I am willing to communicate and do in regards to my ex instead of being less nice. People say I am top nice all the time and I have trouble with that. What I do feel is appropriate to set limits on mine and his exposure to her, communication with her, and what is acceptable behavior.
We both need a release from the drama and I will try to find a way to get it.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
July 3, 2012
We have been back from vacation for awhile and last week was my first week of camp. Things went really well and I am very excited about the upcoming year. My buddy went to stay with my mom and dad the week of camp and it is amazing how much I missed him. It made me realize that I really don't have a lot of contact with other adults.
When we got back his mother came to see him and of course there was a big scene. She did ok paying attention to him and even tried to help out a little. Then she broke down about her life which is not going so well.
I do feel bad for her. She has no home to speak of, no car, her shop was shut down, and things aren't going very well. I do feel awful for her and I hope she can herself figured out.
It makes me fell awful because my life hasn't necessarily changed that much. It also makes me sad that it hasn't.
When we were together I got him up, took him to school, came home, made dinner, played with him, gave him a bath, put him to bed, and then went to bed alone while she sat up and read or played on her phone, or watched whatever, and then I got up and did it again. We really didn't have much contact with each other even though we lived in the same house. So now that I am by myself the only thing that is different is that I don't wake up next to anyone. Which is sad when I think about how I lived but also sad when I think about how different her life must be.
I am lonely but, not at the same time. It is weird; I am around people all the time but I don't really have anyone to talk to other than his blog.
I think that some people are so used to not to making themselves thing it steps that they when things go so invariably wrong they can't think in terms of creating a list of getting put of it.
I am convinced that everything in life good and bad come from lists and steps, whether they are in our mind or written down, everything that is successful happens in some order. Even in trying to start my new life I am having to create lists and orders to try and get out of this hole I am drowning financially.
I will follow the steps and finally get on the right side of things.
When we got back his mother came to see him and of course there was a big scene. She did ok paying attention to him and even tried to help out a little. Then she broke down about her life which is not going so well.
I do feel bad for her. She has no home to speak of, no car, her shop was shut down, and things aren't going very well. I do feel awful for her and I hope she can herself figured out.
It makes me fell awful because my life hasn't necessarily changed that much. It also makes me sad that it hasn't.
When we were together I got him up, took him to school, came home, made dinner, played with him, gave him a bath, put him to bed, and then went to bed alone while she sat up and read or played on her phone, or watched whatever, and then I got up and did it again. We really didn't have much contact with each other even though we lived in the same house. So now that I am by myself the only thing that is different is that I don't wake up next to anyone. Which is sad when I think about how I lived but also sad when I think about how different her life must be.
I am lonely but, not at the same time. It is weird; I am around people all the time but I don't really have anyone to talk to other than his blog.
I think that some people are so used to not to making themselves thing it steps that they when things go so invariably wrong they can't think in terms of creating a list of getting put of it.
I am convinced that everything in life good and bad come from lists and steps, whether they are in our mind or written down, everything that is successful happens in some order. Even in trying to start my new life I am having to create lists and orders to try and get out of this hole I am drowning financially.
I will follow the steps and finally get on the right side of things.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Vacation
Well we on our way home from vacation. I went with my parent and my little boy to Orlando. It was interesting and a good time.
It has been along time since I have been a part of the whole riding in the car with my folks for a long time and while I am used to driving here there and yonder with my little guy. I am also used to riding on a bus for hours and hours with my job. This is completely different than both of those.
I am completely grateful for my parents to give me an opportunity to go with my little man to places I can't at this point afford to take him. I appreciate all the meals, gas , and accommodations.
These things are currently out of my reach financially but hopefully not for long.
We are on our way back now and I sincerely hope we all make it back in one piece.
It has been along time since I have been a part of the whole riding in the car with my folks for a long time and while I am used to driving here there and yonder with my little guy. I am also used to riding on a bus for hours and hours with my job. This is completely different than both of those.
I am completely grateful for my parents to give me an opportunity to go with my little man to places I can't at this point afford to take him. I appreciate all the meals, gas , and accommodations.
These things are currently out of my reach financially but hopefully not for long.
We are on our way back now and I sincerely hope we all make it back in one piece.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Ideas about family
I was talking to my mom today about family things and I realized that we have two completely different ideas about family and it makes me wonder about my perception of family and what the little guy's will be.
Both my parents grew up very close to their extended families and saw them regularly. They both had significantly different experiences which is really neat but, the same in they saw them regularly.
My brother and myself did not. Because of my parent's work situations we moved a lot when I was younger. I wouldn't change that for the world. I got to see so many places, learn to adapt to new situations, and learn to be close to my immediate family more than most people I know.
I still care about my extended family but, we don't really share any experiences but a few and when we do get together it always seems to get back to them. People who want to share something common that don't really have anything in common. So we end up talking about one trip to the beach when we were fourteen and we got scared because we thought we were stuck on boogie boards. This is the only common life experience we have and I think that is alright. It just makes us different.
So we end up being more family acquaintances and I think that is alright. My mom thinks this is the craziest thing ever because she has such an attachment to the people and the places that this is her family. She can look at the town and have memories, she can look at the house and have memories, she can think of the people and have memories, I can't. She can also feel a deep sense of connection with her siblings children and why wouldn't she. I feel an instant love for my niece and nephew and we don't live close to each other but they are my little brother's kids and he is my family. We have history and experiences that no other two people have on this earth that bind us and to me that is family.
I grew knowing that family is important and I still think it is. I would do anything in my power for any member of family even the distant ones I don't have any connection with other than name or blood relation.
I also grew up knowing that my family consisted of myself, my brother, my mother and my father and we were our family. We depended on each other and we went through most things both good and bad together.
This makes me wonder how my little boy will feel about family. Whatever it is I hope he knows it is important. I also he has a strong relationship with his grandparents and his uncle, aunt, and their kids but, I will understand if he sometimes doesn't relate or feels a little out of place because I have definitely been there.
Both my parents grew up very close to their extended families and saw them regularly. They both had significantly different experiences which is really neat but, the same in they saw them regularly.
My brother and myself did not. Because of my parent's work situations we moved a lot when I was younger. I wouldn't change that for the world. I got to see so many places, learn to adapt to new situations, and learn to be close to my immediate family more than most people I know.
I still care about my extended family but, we don't really share any experiences but a few and when we do get together it always seems to get back to them. People who want to share something common that don't really have anything in common. So we end up talking about one trip to the beach when we were fourteen and we got scared because we thought we were stuck on boogie boards. This is the only common life experience we have and I think that is alright. It just makes us different.
So we end up being more family acquaintances and I think that is alright. My mom thinks this is the craziest thing ever because she has such an attachment to the people and the places that this is her family. She can look at the town and have memories, she can look at the house and have memories, she can think of the people and have memories, I can't. She can also feel a deep sense of connection with her siblings children and why wouldn't she. I feel an instant love for my niece and nephew and we don't live close to each other but they are my little brother's kids and he is my family. We have history and experiences that no other two people have on this earth that bind us and to me that is family.
I grew knowing that family is important and I still think it is. I would do anything in my power for any member of family even the distant ones I don't have any connection with other than name or blood relation.
I also grew up knowing that my family consisted of myself, my brother, my mother and my father and we were our family. We depended on each other and we went through most things both good and bad together.
This makes me wonder how my little boy will feel about family. Whatever it is I hope he knows it is important. I also he has a strong relationship with his grandparents and his uncle, aunt, and their kids but, I will understand if he sometimes doesn't relate or feels a little out of place because I have definitely been there.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
May 29 2012
Today I went to Laura's funeral. She was my girlfriend in college. I haven't spoken to her in years but, I still feel so sad that she is gone. I am sad for her family, for her daughter, and me. I don't know if I am allowed to feel sad but, I don't care. I loved her at one time and that is enough for me. I sat there in a pew and thought of all of our times good and bad. There were both to be sure but, that's life.
I have been told a number of times in the past few months that I am "too nice" or that I take things at work "too personally" and that I shouldn't feel so obligated all of the time. To me that sounds crazy so I will take them one at a time and explain my position.
1) I take things too personally at work. Well I am a teacher that is my job and in that job I teach persons. People with feelings that I have convinced to trust me and to follow me in an endeavor that needs a great amount of attention to make excellent. Also to care too much sounds silly about something anything that I do that represents myself, my family, my son, and my good name in general. To me that's like saying that steak was too good. Just ridiculous.
2) People say if you are too nice then you will be taken advantage of by others. Maybe; but to operate with sincerity in my belief that people are basically good it is imperative. In my eyes boundaries are lines created by imaginary fear of losing something.
3) Being too obligated to others is curse at times. I rethink every situation too much and spread myself too thin but, as long as it is done with sincerity I guess it just means I care.
I hope at the end of my days someone tells me that I cared too much and I was too nice.
It is an amazing thing to love another person. I have had the privilege three times. All were good and then lost in time. Life happens and I hope when the time is right I will have the courage to love as naively and innocently as I did then.
I have been told a number of times in the past few months that I am "too nice" or that I take things at work "too personally" and that I shouldn't feel so obligated all of the time. To me that sounds crazy so I will take them one at a time and explain my position.
1) I take things too personally at work. Well I am a teacher that is my job and in that job I teach persons. People with feelings that I have convinced to trust me and to follow me in an endeavor that needs a great amount of attention to make excellent. Also to care too much sounds silly about something anything that I do that represents myself, my family, my son, and my good name in general. To me that's like saying that steak was too good. Just ridiculous.
2) People say if you are too nice then you will be taken advantage of by others. Maybe; but to operate with sincerity in my belief that people are basically good it is imperative. In my eyes boundaries are lines created by imaginary fear of losing something.
3) Being too obligated to others is curse at times. I rethink every situation too much and spread myself too thin but, as long as it is done with sincerity I guess it just means I care.
I hope at the end of my days someone tells me that I cared too much and I was too nice.
It is an amazing thing to love another person. I have had the privilege three times. All were good and then lost in time. Life happens and I hope when the time is right I will have the courage to love as naively and innocently as I did then.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Birthday joys and sorrows
Well it was little man's birthday this week. I worked for a couple of weeks to put it together without any help from my illustrious parental counterpart.
The party was good. None of his little friends from school showed but, that is probably good considering the tension of the adults involved.
She decided to make an appearance after everything was packed up, ask where all the food was, and try an start am argument about getting my guy bunk beds for his birthday. Classy.
Then she followed that up by asking to go watch him try and his new bike but actually laying on a table and texting on her phone the whole time.
I am so tired of dealing with trying to keep civil and having to listen to her sob stories. All while there is no effort placed in anything but her own life. I am trying so hard to keep going and I really need to find a way to finally let go completely and start a new life.
The party was good. None of his little friends from school showed but, that is probably good considering the tension of the adults involved.
She decided to make an appearance after everything was packed up, ask where all the food was, and try an start am argument about getting my guy bunk beds for his birthday. Classy.
Then she followed that up by asking to go watch him try and his new bike but actually laying on a table and texting on her phone the whole time.
I am so tired of dealing with trying to keep civil and having to listen to her sob stories. All while there is no effort placed in anything but her own life. I am trying so hard to keep going and I really need to find a way to finally let go completely and start a new life.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
It's officially started
Well I finally filed the appropriate paperwork to begin the process. This came with no shortage of its own problems and frustrations.
I am now learning how the things go from amicable to bitter in a hurry. Dividing up a life and time on paper is challenging and no one feels like they are going allow themselves to be taken advantage of which makes things more confrontational.
Also it makes the process even more difficult when people aren't truthful
I have lost my patience with lies and attempts at manipulation. I am fighting more and more regularly and fiercer and fiercer and the worst part is that it don't like doing it. It must be done however or this life will become unmanageable.
I am now learning how the things go from amicable to bitter in a hurry. Dividing up a life and time on paper is challenging and no one feels like they are going allow themselves to be taken advantage of which makes things more confrontational.
Also it makes the process even more difficult when people aren't truthful
I have lost my patience with lies and attempts at manipulation. I am fighting more and more regularly and fiercer and fiercer and the worst part is that it don't like doing it. It must be done however or this life will become unmanageable.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Been a week or two
It has been a week or two since my last post and not much has happened since them. I had two concerts at school, hosted a winter guard show, hosted a guest artist, got sick, ruptured an ear drum, started big man in speech therapy, been disappointed , and been pleasantly surprised.
It amazing to me how people can completely disavow their own short comings and still try and make you feel guilty about their situation.
I try not to be judgmental but when someone tells you they are going to do something in sequential weeks and then in those weeks completely drop the ball. I find myself not believing them when they say that this time they are going to do it.
It must be a character flaw. Oh well I have a lot of flaws. I am overweight, smoke, have unreasonable standards for my students, love too much, get my feelings hurt too easily, and don't sleep enough.
But I try to be dependable, I mean I'd I wasn't dependable we would be in trouble. Like of I forget to do things it affects a whole other life and that isn't going to happen!
It amazing to me how people can completely disavow their own short comings and still try and make you feel guilty about their situation.
I try not to be judgmental but when someone tells you they are going to do something in sequential weeks and then in those weeks completely drop the ball. I find myself not believing them when they say that this time they are going to do it.
It must be a character flaw. Oh well I have a lot of flaws. I am overweight, smoke, have unreasonable standards for my students, love too much, get my feelings hurt too easily, and don't sleep enough.
But I try to be dependable, I mean I'd I wasn't dependable we would be in trouble. Like of I forget to do things it affects a whole other life and that isn't going to happen!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Friday march 2nd
Well it has been an interesting week to say the least. Boy got sick, estranged wife sold the tv my parents gave her for Xmas and took it from the house, had to pick up lots of slack, and ran out of pepper jack cheese. If this week lasted two more days I would run for the hills.
I had a new occurrence this week. Some people like to share ideas about the way things should be done. That is fine if you have any intention of helping getting them done. Toe these people's ideas are like when my generation saw Swiss family Robinson. After that movie all my friends and I wanted treehouses with all the bells and whistles. We had plans and ideas big time. I NEVER KNEW ANYONE WITH A TREE HOUSE!!
Either put up or shut up!
I had a new occurrence this week. Some people like to share ideas about the way things should be done. That is fine if you have any intention of helping getting them done. Toe these people's ideas are like when my generation saw Swiss family Robinson. After that movie all my friends and I wanted treehouses with all the bells and whistles. We had plans and ideas big time. I NEVER KNEW ANYONE WITH A TREE HOUSE!!
Either put up or shut up!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Birthday
Well I have made it another year. The facebook onslaught ensued with the eight million happy birthdays. The kids at school all told me happy birthday and I did have a pretty good day. It is good to know that even in some way you have connected with people.
The past couple of days have been busy and have worked out pretty well. I am frustrated with my inability to just say what I think when a certain someone tells me all of these things that they want. I am tired of being passive but can't make myself just fight. Then after when I am alone I go over the conversations and say what I would liked to say in my mind until my head spins. I am sure I am the only person who has had the argument they wish that they had in their mind after the real argument is over. If I am the only one don't tell me because I don't want to feel like a weirdo.
Well happy birthday to me and here's to 37 more wild and crazy years.
The past couple of days have been busy and have worked out pretty well. I am frustrated with my inability to just say what I think when a certain someone tells me all of these things that they want. I am tired of being passive but can't make myself just fight. Then after when I am alone I go over the conversations and say what I would liked to say in my mind until my head spins. I am sure I am the only person who has had the argument they wish that they had in their mind after the real argument is over. If I am the only one don't tell me because I don't want to feel like a weirdo.
Well happy birthday to me and here's to 37 more wild and crazy years.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Crazy days
Today was one of the most futile and crazy endeavors of my adult life. (besides trying to potty train)
I am not going to go into details but, I learned a little more about human evolution and cultural differences between myself and others than before.
I am not being judgmental or, at least not trying to be, unfair to people. It just seems that what some people can convince themselves is normal, tolerable behavior would make me unmanageable.
Tolerance for crazy is something I don't possess the skill set to deal with at all. Chaos breeds chaos, Violence breeds violence, and stupid is as stupid does.
Like Forrest says, "life is like a box of chocolates. You never what you're going to get." However, what he doesn't tell you is that you might not know what you're going to get; but nearly everyone throws some of those chocolates out because they are awful.
I am not going to go into details but, I learned a little more about human evolution and cultural differences between myself and others than before.
I am not being judgmental or, at least not trying to be, unfair to people. It just seems that what some people can convince themselves is normal, tolerable behavior would make me unmanageable.
Tolerance for crazy is something I don't possess the skill set to deal with at all. Chaos breeds chaos, Violence breeds violence, and stupid is as stupid does.
Like Forrest says, "life is like a box of chocolates. You never what you're going to get." However, what he doesn't tell you is that you might not know what you're going to get; but nearly everyone throws some of those chocolates out because they are awful.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sunday
I miss my old life. My heart is broken and I am so full of hurt and I need to find a way to forgive and move on but, I can't seem to find the strength. I pray and pray. I put on a happy face for my strong little man. I take care of things, lots of things, everything by myself.
I tried to be a good husband and father and I was met with coldness and unconcern.
I am happy ,truly happy, when I am with my little boy. He is the kindest most caring child I have ever seen.
He keeps the pieces of my heart glued together in the midst of all of this logistical foolishness and adult brokenness.
I want to forgive her but damn I am going to need a minute!
I tried to be a good husband and father and I was met with coldness and unconcern.
I am happy ,truly happy, when I am with my little boy. He is the kindest most caring child I have ever seen.
He keeps the pieces of my heart glued together in the midst of all of this logistical foolishness and adult brokenness.
I want to forgive her but damn I am going to need a minute!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
February 11
Life is hard. I wonder often if I am doing enough, if I am doing the right thing, if I am doing the right thing cause I want to or if I am afraid not to, and just a million different things all at once.
The truth is sometimes I just want to run away but, my responsibilities keep here. I love my son, like my job most of the time, and generally have a pretty good life. I don't have enough money to stay afloat but, who does these days?
I wonder if if everyone feels like the walls are closing in sometimes or am I just thinking too hard. It seems to me that the only thing that makes sense to me anymore is being a dad.
I worry about my little boy and what this is doing to him but, I know that this is the right thing for both of us. Jesus it hurts though.
The truth is sometimes I just want to run away but, my responsibilities keep here. I love my son, like my job most of the time, and generally have a pretty good life. I don't have enough money to stay afloat but, who does these days?
I wonder if if everyone feels like the walls are closing in sometimes or am I just thinking too hard. It seems to me that the only thing that makes sense to me anymore is being a dad.
I worry about my little boy and what this is doing to him but, I know that this is the right thing for both of us. Jesus it hurts though.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Spoiled For a couple days
This weekend the little man and I spent a couple days with my mom and dad. We both were spoiled. The little fellow by getting whatever his little heart desired. It is hard to not give in because his little smile could create world peace.
I was also spoiled by having help. I forgot or rather have never known what it feels like to have that much help. It makes things so much easier that It made me realize what I was missing in doing this by myself.
I could be bitter about it or just move on with my life but I choose to do neither.
I plan on continuing down this path but I don't think I will ever have a day to day again and I am not sure I want one.
I was also spoiled by having help. I forgot or rather have never known what it feels like to have that much help. It makes things so much easier that It made me realize what I was missing in doing this by myself.
I could be bitter about it or just move on with my life but I choose to do neither.
I plan on continuing down this path but I don't think I will ever have a day to day again and I am not sure I want one.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Aarrrgghh!!!!
It strikes me as weird and irritating that people can know what their flaws are, apologize for them, and then do they same thing while looking you directly in the face.
If you don't have the willingness to change don't say your sorry the first time.
If you don't have the willingness to change don't say your sorry the first time.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
January 31
With my current state of affairs being somewhat in flux day to day I find that dependability is more important in the people around me than ever before. Things I used to shrug off as "you know so and so" are almost intolerable now.
Schedule has become as important to me as substance.
Creating a stable environment free of chaos and dramatic flair has become one of the major focuses of my life. It is what I am striving for emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
We are starting to have a routine in daily life and it has become soothing during this time for both of us. I only hope that these routines continue because they really help make our lives more enjoyable.
Schedule has become as important to me as substance.
Creating a stable environment free of chaos and dramatic flair has become one of the major focuses of my life. It is what I am striving for emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
We are starting to have a routine in daily life and it has become soothing during this time for both of us. I only hope that these routines continue because they really help make our lives more enjoyable.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Saturday January 28
It seems to me the only thing more futile than cleaning a house with a toddler living there would be to convince the American public that teachers work hard.
I do clean. Probably worse than some and better than others and I find its ritual soothing somehow. I create a list of activities, get the materials together, turn on some music, and then clean.
I am alone in my thoughts and they wonder here and there with no real responsibility to them. I spray, scrub wipe, repeat. I also get the pride of sitting down after it is done and admiring my work but, somehow that never seems to happen. As soon I as I stop I see that one thing I forgot or didn't get quite clean.
This also seems to happen in daily life for me. I try hard to go through my daddy checklist. Feeding, bathing, playing, more playing, reading, potty training, etc., but at the end of the night I lay there and think of thing I didn't quite get to or didn't want to do. Instead of New Year resolutions I find myself making daily resolutions to do whatever more or a little better everyday. I am afraid I make the list so long everyday that I doom myself to never feeling like I am never doing enough.
I think this is probably pretty natural but who knows? Oh well, I am pretty sure the when the list is done I will look around and admire the life that past me by while I was living it.
I do clean. Probably worse than some and better than others and I find its ritual soothing somehow. I create a list of activities, get the materials together, turn on some music, and then clean.
I am alone in my thoughts and they wonder here and there with no real responsibility to them. I spray, scrub wipe, repeat. I also get the pride of sitting down after it is done and admiring my work but, somehow that never seems to happen. As soon I as I stop I see that one thing I forgot or didn't get quite clean.
This also seems to happen in daily life for me. I try hard to go through my daddy checklist. Feeding, bathing, playing, more playing, reading, potty training, etc., but at the end of the night I lay there and think of thing I didn't quite get to or didn't want to do. Instead of New Year resolutions I find myself making daily resolutions to do whatever more or a little better everyday. I am afraid I make the list so long everyday that I doom myself to never feeling like I am never doing enough.
I think this is probably pretty natural but who knows? Oh well, I am pretty sure the when the list is done I will look around and admire the life that past me by while I was living it.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Funny story
It seems that my little boy is about as sarcastic as his dad at the age of three.
Yesterday he and I were making dinner together ,as we always do, and everything seemed fine. He put the water and the butter in the pot. We lit the cube steak in a zip lock bag and he shook it up and then daddy cooked everything.
After it was all done we sat down to eat and little man took one bite of his cube steak, spit it out, looked at me and said "poopy." I explained that he had made it to which he responded "poopy."
It is a good thing that there is always chicken noodle soup around. It always saves us from, "poopy."
Yesterday he and I were making dinner together ,as we always do, and everything seemed fine. He put the water and the butter in the pot. We lit the cube steak in a zip lock bag and he shook it up and then daddy cooked everything.
After it was all done we sat down to eat and little man took one bite of his cube steak, spit it out, looked at me and said "poopy." I explained that he had made it to which he responded "poopy."
It is a good thing that there is always chicken noodle soup around. It always saves us from, "poopy."
A new day
One thing that I struggle with now and it may because I am hyper sensitive to it is constant reprimanding of my son. It seems like I say don't grab that, let's pick that up, out of your mouth all the time.
I know that I need to keep him from doing things dangerous and that he needs to learn how to operate in society but I don't want to unfun him or make him a weirdo or something.
I guess there has to be a balance somewhere an hopefully we can find it once he stops putting things on his mouth and grabbing things he shouldn't.
I know that I need to keep him from doing things dangerous and that he needs to learn how to operate in society but I don't want to unfun him or make him a weirdo or something.
I guess there has to be a balance somewhere an hopefully we can find it once he stops putting things on his mouth and grabbing things he shouldn't.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
January 25
I can't help but wonder today. If things are going to get significantly better or are they pretty much going to stay the same. Staying the same is ok as I am sure things could be worse.
I think everyone has a desire to have things that they don't have no matter their circumstance.
Complacency is the enemy of happiness to most people's perception but, where is the fine line between complacent and content?
Just my thoughts this morning.
I think everyone has a desire to have things that they don't have no matter their circumstance.
Complacency is the enemy of happiness to most people's perception but, where is the fine line between complacent and content?
Just my thoughts this morning.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
January 2012
This is my therapy. I once heard someone say ,or I made it up, that putting it in print makes it real and therefore able to be processed. I hope that's true because I definitely have much processing to do.
Any way here goes!
First some back story. I have been married for six years and I am now separated. That's all the back story anyone needs. The sorted details are just that ; details. The reality is the situation I am in now. A single dad who works a lot and has a three year old little boy.
I am trying my best in a rugged situation and I am constantly conflicted in whether what and how I am doing things are right and/or the best way to deal with any of life's situations. I have developed some routines in trying to keep a house liveable and trying to spend as much time as I can with the little man. I am often conflicted about my logical reasoning and my conscious conscience and the way it makes me feel. I hate telling my son to go play and I will be there in a minute while I load the dishwasher while remembering the fact that he hasn't seen me for the last nine hours.
; I feel horribly guilty that I crave the break I get on Friday nights when he stays with his grandparents.
I hope this is normal.
The one thing that I do take solace in is that I think he is ok. We are both relatively happy in our lives and I hope that we can stay that way. Every parent screws up their kid in some way but, I hope and pray mine is something inane like he doesn't eat green beans or, he doesn't like to wear flannel shirts or something.
It is weird that my only conversations after work are with a three year old in broken English and usually consist of some sort of quiz about where's the circle, what does a cow say, or what color is the puppy in the book.
It could definitely be worse. I could be talking to adults about politics!
This does make me feel better
Any way here goes!
First some back story. I have been married for six years and I am now separated. That's all the back story anyone needs. The sorted details are just that ; details. The reality is the situation I am in now. A single dad who works a lot and has a three year old little boy.
I am trying my best in a rugged situation and I am constantly conflicted in whether what and how I am doing things are right and/or the best way to deal with any of life's situations. I have developed some routines in trying to keep a house liveable and trying to spend as much time as I can with the little man. I am often conflicted about my logical reasoning and my conscious conscience and the way it makes me feel. I hate telling my son to go play and I will be there in a minute while I load the dishwasher while remembering the fact that he hasn't seen me for the last nine hours.
; I feel horribly guilty that I crave the break I get on Friday nights when he stays with his grandparents.
I hope this is normal.
The one thing that I do take solace in is that I think he is ok. We are both relatively happy in our lives and I hope that we can stay that way. Every parent screws up their kid in some way but, I hope and pray mine is something inane like he doesn't eat green beans or, he doesn't like to wear flannel shirts or something.
It is weird that my only conversations after work are with a three year old in broken English and usually consist of some sort of quiz about where's the circle, what does a cow say, or what color is the puppy in the book.
It could definitely be worse. I could be talking to adults about politics!
This does make me feel better
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